ollyrogers
Member
Welcome to a humorous, sometimes satirical but always tedious take on current news and affairs of the world... Three per update due to staff shortages but feel free to chip in your own articles of snooze if you're particularly creative!
Chuckle Brothers knocked off top spot in Uzbekistan
When Paul and Barry Chuckle woke up this morning, their lives were shattered by the news that they had been ousted as Uzbekistan's most plagiarised characters, with top spot now being taken by loveable TV dinosaur Pat Butcher of EastEnders fame.
Speaking from their home in Rotherham, Paul Chuckle was heard to remark "No no no Barry, this won't do at all" before announcing plans of a £7 million movie to return to Uzbekistan's coveted top spot.
The new movie will consist of the brothers moving to Uzbekistan to make a spoof documentary (styled mockumentary) about the way of life, with many humourous situations including a trip to the Amu Darya Regatta, driving to Tashkent to meet the woman of Barry's dreams Natasha Zlobina and attending a traditional Uzbek dinner of high societists.
Paul added afterwards "Barry and I find it important to not recycle old ideas of successful films. Originality and creativity are essential, without over-relying on the use of slapstick, or clichéd endings."
He then turned to return inside but tripped over the step.
Death survey inconclusive
Scientists have been baffled by the inconclusive findings of a survey of the deceased in the Essex area.
The survey, targeted to deceased residents of Basildon, was aiming to find out how council funding could be better used to cater for the dead members of society. Scientists devised the questionnaire of all listed as deceased on the 2001 census to determine where they felt public money could be better spent, however when they came to collate the data they found that not a single one had been completed and returned.
"None of us are quite sure what has happened" said one scientist "our best guess would be an administrative error"
Colon voted "Best Punctuation"
The colon has surprised almost the entirety of the UK by winning "Best Punctuation" at the National Grammar Awards held in London last night.
A panel of 30 judges sat through short presentations but were wooed by the aesthetic qualities of the colon, although the ampersand gave it a fine run for its money, with a full list of all its qualities - but the judges were unanimous in agreement that the colon was the one true victor, adding that the ampersand's presentation was almost completely reliant on the colon... How else could it begin the list?
Mr J Sullivan, an English teacher from Bristol welcomed the bold decision:
"I think it's absolutely a step in the right direction for punctuation not only in the UK but worldwide. The colon signifies change but also enables us to keep and list what we believe and hold to be true." adding afterwards "safe bruv."
That's all from the snoozeroom this time, be sure to keep checking for the next edition!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Man coughs in quiet carriage - commuters outraged
Commuters on the 08:55 Paddington to Bristol First Great Western service were outraged today when a male appeared to cough in the quiet carriage, and was promptly wrestled to the ground by fellow passengers, branding him a sonic terrorist and a modern-day antagonist.
The episode began when Keith Taylor, 26, boarded the train at London Paddington and proceeded to the quiet carriage. Ten minutes passed without incident, as the passengers settled in for the trip - but then, inexplicably, said passengers heard what has been described as "a definite and clear attempt to breach carriage regulations" by onlookers. Mr Taylor put up little in the way of a fight as he was wrestled to the ground, and the train's emergency brake deployed. A SWAT team of armed police boarded the train after a tense stand-off between Taylor and the passengers, in which Taylor threatened FGW with ripping up his ticket. He was then arrested and taken to Feltham Prison where he will be held while evidence is collected.
Police were quick to praise the passengers for their handling of the event:
"Everyone at Thames Valley Police would like to congratulate members of he public on the 08:55 Paddington to Bristol train for their swift and rational action and would like to stress this is not a regular occurrence."
Generousity and goodwill
"We would like to apologise to all passengers on the 08:55 train who had to go through such torture on their trip, rest assured the male in question has been detained and will be placed on the 'no-commute list'" said a First Great Western spokesman.
"As a token of our generousity and goodwill to all passengers involved, we are issuing a free one-way ticket from Luxulyan to Par and hope this clears up the matter."
Shipping forecast to be renamed
BBC Radio 4's Shipping Forecast is to be rebranded as the Shipping Downcast after sailors complained that the delivery of the broadcast was reaching 'intolerably cheery levels'. It comes amidst running controversy from the show as BBC online listeners complained in their droves that coverage of the Ashes took over the airwaves, forcing them to miss vital wind forecasts for the morning ahead.
One sailor claimed the program was 'far too upbeat' and the delivery of presenters had got to 'unbearable, losing it's identity' amongst the shipping world. He went on to say "The worst example of recent times was a Nicholas Parsons hosted edition. He [Parsons] kept giving Dogger bonus points because he valued it's contribution so much", going on to call for an end to the cheerful forecast and reinstate the droning 1980's version of the show, calling for an end to the nonsense.
The BBC have since agrees to rename the program from Shipping Forecast to Shipping Downcast, hoping that this will regenerate the program and attract the dourness of Middle England to the show. In an attempt to restore the sullen, morose delivery of the show Jack Dee has been enlisted to present the new Downcast. The new presenter quipped before his first show "I'm glad to hav finally got the call to such a prestigious show. I just hope now I can reach more to my target audience, the club 18-30 circuit."
QI "will run out of facts by 2018"
Fans of the comedy television quiz QI have been rocked by the news that the show will descend into nothing by 2018 - unless the number of facts in its shows decreases by 50% in the next few years.
The news has come as the governments new Department for Trivia, Facts and Quizzes (DfTFaQ) finalise work on a report highlighting the overuse of knowledge in quiz shows. Programs such as Mastermind, QI, The Weakest Link and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire are in grave danger of 'over-saturating' the public with facts, says the damning report, claiming that fact supplies may run dry by as early as 2018, forcing researchers to make up factoids in order to continue with the shows in question.
However, not all TV shows will fall foul of the cuts. Satirical programs such as Have I Got News For You and Mock The Week may benefit from increased viewership, as the BBC predicts a swing away from traditional fact-based quizzes, and more into the realm of fantasy. As Teresa Beckett, head of entertainment at the BBC tells us, "people are beginning to see the effects of over-knowledge on our day to day lives and as such will want less quality programming in the future in order to benefit from the limited knowledge available. Websites like Wikipedia are overcomplicating simple theorems and ideas and as such people are becoming too smart for their own good. This must be stopped." - and indeed the BBC has created a taskforce to bring down Wikipedia, removing content from Wiki's more difficult pages and replacing them with images of brass monkeys.
The head of DfTFaQ, Mark Hunter MP has said there must be 'tougher regulations' on what facts TV shows present and when, campaigning for tighter control and greater dumbing down of TV shows, adding ITV's phone-in quizzed were pitched 'about right' for the modern day audience.
Chuckle Brothers knocked off top spot in Uzbekistan
When Paul and Barry Chuckle woke up this morning, their lives were shattered by the news that they had been ousted as Uzbekistan's most plagiarised characters, with top spot now being taken by loveable TV dinosaur Pat Butcher of EastEnders fame.
Speaking from their home in Rotherham, Paul Chuckle was heard to remark "No no no Barry, this won't do at all" before announcing plans of a £7 million movie to return to Uzbekistan's coveted top spot.
The new movie will consist of the brothers moving to Uzbekistan to make a spoof documentary (styled mockumentary) about the way of life, with many humourous situations including a trip to the Amu Darya Regatta, driving to Tashkent to meet the woman of Barry's dreams Natasha Zlobina and attending a traditional Uzbek dinner of high societists.
Paul added afterwards "Barry and I find it important to not recycle old ideas of successful films. Originality and creativity are essential, without over-relying on the use of slapstick, or clichéd endings."
He then turned to return inside but tripped over the step.
Death survey inconclusive
Scientists have been baffled by the inconclusive findings of a survey of the deceased in the Essex area.
The survey, targeted to deceased residents of Basildon, was aiming to find out how council funding could be better used to cater for the dead members of society. Scientists devised the questionnaire of all listed as deceased on the 2001 census to determine where they felt public money could be better spent, however when they came to collate the data they found that not a single one had been completed and returned.
"None of us are quite sure what has happened" said one scientist "our best guess would be an administrative error"
Colon voted "Best Punctuation"
The colon has surprised almost the entirety of the UK by winning "Best Punctuation" at the National Grammar Awards held in London last night.
A panel of 30 judges sat through short presentations but were wooed by the aesthetic qualities of the colon, although the ampersand gave it a fine run for its money, with a full list of all its qualities - but the judges were unanimous in agreement that the colon was the one true victor, adding that the ampersand's presentation was almost completely reliant on the colon... How else could it begin the list?
Mr J Sullivan, an English teacher from Bristol welcomed the bold decision:
"I think it's absolutely a step in the right direction for punctuation not only in the UK but worldwide. The colon signifies change but also enables us to keep and list what we believe and hold to be true." adding afterwards "safe bruv."
That's all from the snoozeroom this time, be sure to keep checking for the next edition!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Man coughs in quiet carriage - commuters outraged
Commuters on the 08:55 Paddington to Bristol First Great Western service were outraged today when a male appeared to cough in the quiet carriage, and was promptly wrestled to the ground by fellow passengers, branding him a sonic terrorist and a modern-day antagonist.
The episode began when Keith Taylor, 26, boarded the train at London Paddington and proceeded to the quiet carriage. Ten minutes passed without incident, as the passengers settled in for the trip - but then, inexplicably, said passengers heard what has been described as "a definite and clear attempt to breach carriage regulations" by onlookers. Mr Taylor put up little in the way of a fight as he was wrestled to the ground, and the train's emergency brake deployed. A SWAT team of armed police boarded the train after a tense stand-off between Taylor and the passengers, in which Taylor threatened FGW with ripping up his ticket. He was then arrested and taken to Feltham Prison where he will be held while evidence is collected.
Police were quick to praise the passengers for their handling of the event:
"Everyone at Thames Valley Police would like to congratulate members of he public on the 08:55 Paddington to Bristol train for their swift and rational action and would like to stress this is not a regular occurrence."
Generousity and goodwill
"We would like to apologise to all passengers on the 08:55 train who had to go through such torture on their trip, rest assured the male in question has been detained and will be placed on the 'no-commute list'" said a First Great Western spokesman.
"As a token of our generousity and goodwill to all passengers involved, we are issuing a free one-way ticket from Luxulyan to Par and hope this clears up the matter."
Shipping forecast to be renamed
BBC Radio 4's Shipping Forecast is to be rebranded as the Shipping Downcast after sailors complained that the delivery of the broadcast was reaching 'intolerably cheery levels'. It comes amidst running controversy from the show as BBC online listeners complained in their droves that coverage of the Ashes took over the airwaves, forcing them to miss vital wind forecasts for the morning ahead.
One sailor claimed the program was 'far too upbeat' and the delivery of presenters had got to 'unbearable, losing it's identity' amongst the shipping world. He went on to say "The worst example of recent times was a Nicholas Parsons hosted edition. He [Parsons] kept giving Dogger bonus points because he valued it's contribution so much", going on to call for an end to the cheerful forecast and reinstate the droning 1980's version of the show, calling for an end to the nonsense.
The BBC have since agrees to rename the program from Shipping Forecast to Shipping Downcast, hoping that this will regenerate the program and attract the dourness of Middle England to the show. In an attempt to restore the sullen, morose delivery of the show Jack Dee has been enlisted to present the new Downcast. The new presenter quipped before his first show "I'm glad to hav finally got the call to such a prestigious show. I just hope now I can reach more to my target audience, the club 18-30 circuit."
QI "will run out of facts by 2018"
Fans of the comedy television quiz QI have been rocked by the news that the show will descend into nothing by 2018 - unless the number of facts in its shows decreases by 50% in the next few years.
The news has come as the governments new Department for Trivia, Facts and Quizzes (DfTFaQ) finalise work on a report highlighting the overuse of knowledge in quiz shows. Programs such as Mastermind, QI, The Weakest Link and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire are in grave danger of 'over-saturating' the public with facts, says the damning report, claiming that fact supplies may run dry by as early as 2018, forcing researchers to make up factoids in order to continue with the shows in question.
However, not all TV shows will fall foul of the cuts. Satirical programs such as Have I Got News For You and Mock The Week may benefit from increased viewership, as the BBC predicts a swing away from traditional fact-based quizzes, and more into the realm of fantasy. As Teresa Beckett, head of entertainment at the BBC tells us, "people are beginning to see the effects of over-knowledge on our day to day lives and as such will want less quality programming in the future in order to benefit from the limited knowledge available. Websites like Wikipedia are overcomplicating simple theorems and ideas and as such people are becoming too smart for their own good. This must be stopped." - and indeed the BBC has created a taskforce to bring down Wikipedia, removing content from Wiki's more difficult pages and replacing them with images of brass monkeys.
The head of DfTFaQ, Mark Hunter MP has said there must be 'tougher regulations' on what facts TV shows present and when, campaigning for tighter control and greater dumbing down of TV shows, adding ITV's phone-in quizzed were pitched 'about right' for the modern day audience.
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