Top Tips (Enter at Your Own Risk)

[lewisf]

Passengers waiting for services, it perfectly normal, ok and safe to sit and wait on the platform, with your legs over the edge of the platform (seen this afternoon on the Metrolink!)

Someone was injured at Goring by Sea last year doing exactly that.

Coastway passengers. The door to the rear cab does not lead to the toilet...

 

[OuterDistant]

Force people to look at your eBay listings as a reflex action by putting "L@@K" in the title.

 

[Yew]

Passengers waiting for services, it perfectly normal, ok and safe to sit and wait on the platform, with your legs over the edge of the platform (seen this afternoon on the Metrolink!)

It's especially useful if on a trip to Nottingham, and you need your toe nails trimming.

 

[D841 Roebuck]

Anglophile American geneaology buffs - when publishing your descent from William the Conqueror's half-brother Nigel, remember that he was born in Falaise, Normandy, NOT Falaise, Tennessee. And even in medieval times people did not:
a) live to the age of 230
B) have parents who were born after they themselves were
C) have any relatives called Elmer, Cletus or Johnboy.

 

[LE Greys]

Anglophile American geneaology buffs - when publishing your descent from William the Conqueror's half-brother Nigel, remember that he was born in Falaise, Normandy, NOT Falaise, Tennessee. And even in medieval times people did not:
a) live to the age of 230
B) have parents who were born after they themselves were
C) have any relatives called Elmer, Cletus or Johnboy.

But we all know that Abraham Lincoln was born in the cabin he built with his own hands!

 

[D841 Roebuck]

But we all know that Abraham Lincoln was born in the cabin he built with his own hands!

Ante-natal carpentry is also barred!

 

[Drogba11CFC]

Remember...trains only stop at Winchester for around 10 seconds, unless you crowd the doors whilst others are trying to disembark.

If there's a subway beneath the tracks, always make sure you take up the entire staircase. It's not as though other people have a train to catch.

 

[Nym]

Members of the DWP, remember you will face disciplinary action if you do your job properly.

Therefore, allow people 'thinking of applying for one job' to continue claiming JSA without any questioning at all...

 

[507 001]

Pedestrians in Manchester city centre - those tram tracks you keep walking over are just there for decoration. And if you come across a big yellow thing (or big white thing) franticly hooting at you, don't worry, it's only a figment of your imagination.

Last time I travelled on the metrolink it was as if the whistle on the tram was the cue for everybody to suddenly jump off the pavement onto the track. :roll:

 

[SS4]

Members of the DWP, remember you will face disciplinary action if you do your job properly.

Therefore, allow people 'thinking of applying for one job' to continue claiming JSA without any questioning at all...

On a similar vein:

ATOS Healthcare, to save time on ESA assessments just invest in a stamp with 0 or FAIL on it.

 

[Nym]

On a similar vein:

ATOS Healthcare, to save time on ESA assessments just invest in a stamp with 0 or FAIL on it.

And they just won the contract for PIP assessments, yay, that's everyone's DLA payments stopping...

Also:

ATOS, when providing computer systems for the TicketMaster Olympic systems, always provide two too fewer consoles for wherever the installation is taking place, and ensure your printers break every time there's a y in the day...

 

[Drogba11CFC]

FGW drivers, always remember that the timetable is simply for decoration.

 

[Nym]

Passengers, the door open button only ever operated when not illuminated, and always works better when the brakes have come off and the unit is accelerating, if the doors do not open, you're operating the switch incorrectly, try shouting, flailing and hitting it harder as you run along the platform, if it still doesn't work, you're not doing it hard enough.

 

[gnolife]

Passengers, the door open button only ever operated when not illuminated, and always works better when the brakes have come off and the unit is accelerating, if the doors do not open, you're operating the switch incorrectly, try shouting, flailing and hitting it harder as you run along the platform, if it still doesn't work, you're not doing it hard enough.

Or alternatively, about a minute after leaving Leuchars, try pressing the open button, and if it doesn't open, hit the big red button to scream at the driver and force him to stop the. Please note that this will NOT make you miss your connection at Dundee for a service back to Leuchars.

 

[Dennis]

Juan Sheet - that's all you need to contain the man juice while taking your own pleasure. Mansize three ply is history.

 

[Temple Meads]

XC: if you want to increase passenger figures on the lesser used stretches of your HST diagrams, announce that they will shortly be removed from service, and enthusiasts will clamour to have a trip.