Top Tips (Enter at Your Own Risk)

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4SRKT

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I think what this forum is lacking is a Viz-style 'Top Tips' section, so here's my first go:

Permanent way engineers, to prevent railway lines from being washed away every time it rains, why not lay them on something other than a mixture of sawdust and sand?
 
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LE Greys

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In the spirit of certain other members. When travelling, never, never, NEVER throw your ticket away until you have left railway property.
 

317666

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Make sure you understand the terms of an advance ticket BEFORE buying one.
 

4SRKT

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More in the spirit of Viz:

Signalmen, when a class 1 passenger train is running late, why not let a lumbering freight or an all stations passenger out in front of it? This way you could have a competition with your colleagues along the line to see who can have it in his section for the longest. Extra points could be awarded to whichever signalman is in possession of the train at the time at which Delay Repay becomes payable.


No prizes for guessing what happened to the 12:23 Plymouth > Glasgow HST several times today most of the way from Birmingham to Leeds. Grrrr.
 

12CSVT

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More in the spirit of Viz:

Signalmen, when a class 1 passenger train is running late, why not let a lumbering freight or an all stations passenger out in front of it? This way you could have a competition with your colleagues along the line to see who can have it in his section for the longest. Extra points could be awarded to whichever signalman is in possession of the train at the time at which Delay Repay becomes payable.

Hasn't this already been the case since privatisation ?

There days it seems to be a case of whichever TOC or FOC has paid more for their path getting priority.
 

gnolife

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Something along the lines of
'Passengers are reminded not to buy tickets before boarding FCC's services, because our company wants your money'?
 

4SRKT

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Hasn't this already been the case since privatisation ?

There days it seems to be a case of whichever TOC or FOC has paid more for their path getting priority.

Very possibly, although hopefully not my suggestion about signalmen turning it into some sort of informal competition to relieve the tedium!



Next up: Virgin catering management, buying a stock of plates about the size of a beermat will help to make the portion sizes of your on train catering seem reasonable.
 
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starrymarkb

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I think what this forum is lacking is a Viz-style 'Top Tips' section, so here's my first go:

Permanent way engineers, to prevent railway lines from being washed away every time it rains, why not lay them on something other than a mixture of sawdust and sand?

In all seriousness I was wondering if slab track would have fared any better?
 

4SRKT

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In all seriousness I was wondering if slab track would have fared any better?

It is meant to be facetious....

Northern Rail, if you were to introduce ticket barriers at Bradford Interchange that rejected anything with the slightest crease or dirt mark, or any routing not starting or ending at Bradford, and which therefore had to be left open at most busy times to avoid gridlock, not only would this provide a nice ornament across the entrance to the platforms, but would also help safeguard the jobs of otherwise redundant ticket collectors.
 

50041

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Use the ring-pull key from a tin of corned beef as a £1 coin substitute for supermarket trolly deposits.
 

4SRKT

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Use the ring-pull key from a tin of corned beef as a £1 coin substitute for supermarket trolly deposits.

Does this work?



And how about this?: West Coast Railways, an extra revenue stream would be yours for the taking if you were to charge a 'booking fee' on top of your already very expensive fares for The Jacobite. You could tell people who asked about whether this is in fact just a more expensive fare that it is possible to avoid it by paying on the day, secure in the knowledge that nobody in his right mind would traipse all the way to Fort William on the very remote offchance that the train won't be fully booked.
 
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ChristopherJ

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A top tip for station staff.

When making announcements to the general public, take the microphone out of your mouth - we can understand you that way.

This top tip is directed to a certain lady CSA on the Central Line who was on duty tonight, who's announcements were so crackly and gravelly it sounded like she was eating the bloomin' thing!

"Tziz iz az Cezntrzal Lzine trzainz tzo Hazinauzltz viza Nzewbzuryz Parzk, plezasez staznd clzear zof thze dzoozrs" Nom Nom Nom. :roll:
 

David

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No need to buy lots of notebooks and pens for spotting trips, you just need to buy a stock book with all the numbers listed already. This means you don't need to make those spotting trips now.

:P
 

Butts

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Never sit in your allocated "crappo" Advanced 1st Seat - hog a "4" in a totally different carriage :p
 

Ivo

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Revised in light of the thread:

Fancy life as a sheep? Buy with The Trainline. You'll be baaing in no time.
 
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4SRKT

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Spitfire Railtours, why not reintroduce the thrills and excitement of the mystery tour format by advertising itineraries that are nothing like what they actually turn out to be?
 

Dennis

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Running late for your train? Not going to make it?

Simply call the BTP and report trespassers on the line just before the station you are going to board at.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
If you keep pet frogs, let them have a tasty treat when you get home by simply scraping all the dead flies off from the front of the train and taking them back with you.
 

12CSVT

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If you want to sit down on the train but somebody won't move their bag off the seat next to them, sit on the bag. :lol:
 

Oswyntail

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If you collect old tickets, always carry a shoebox full with samples of your cllection with you. Then, when the RPIs come through the train and ask for "Tickets please", show them your entire collection dating back 15 years. They will enjoy sharing your harmless pastime with you, and it will lighten their day
 

Dennis

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Not sure if the ticket you intend to purchase is valid for the journey you are making? Buy an all line rover.
 

LE Greys

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Stuck at a signal just outside a station? Why not just pull the 'open the door' lever and walk the last few yards?
 

Dennis

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Under fives travel free so don't bother buying a ticket just travel in a pushchair.
 

DaveNewcastle

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Would you like to play music but don't have the skills?
Don't worry, the Railways will be your friend.

Every large station has an amateur whistle orchestra, which practices throughout the day on its many platforms.
You don't need any musical qualification, just bring your own whistle and blow when a train has stopped in front of you. Others will join in with their own music.
 

tony_mac

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Northern rail - save your passengers the misery of looking at grim northern towns and cities by not cleaning the train windows.
 

4SRKT

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Northern rail - save your passengers the misery of looking at grim northern towns and cities by not cleaning the train windows.

Hehehe! This thread is really starting to take off now!

Cross Country, if you had trains that were far too short for the jobs they were being asked to do, you would be claim that demand for your services was very high, and that this must mean people think they are wonderful and therefore will be able to justify very high prices. This way you will be able to pull off the apparently magic trick of providing the worst travelling conditions of any mainline TOC at the highest rate, something Paul Daniels would be proud of.
 

Clip

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Want to make sure you get to work on time without getting up earlier? Just jump on the tube when the doors are closing with half your body hanging out so the doors dont close properly until your nicely settled under the armpit of someone you have just made late for work.
 

4SRKT

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Northern Rail, putting ex-Merseyrail 142s on the Calder Valley run from time to time will make regular passengers much happier about riding in the spartan interiors of your drafty, rattly and sometimes leaky 150s.
 

CC 72100

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CrossCountry - having a coach F on your Voyagers will make the passengers think it is a longer train. :roll:

First Great Western - on the LM 153s, I actually don't want information about next station stops, destination or other info, I'd much rather have the dot matrix screen as it is, telling me that I'm on a 'Class 153' :lol:
 

Oswyntail

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At request stops in the north of England, the correct procedure for stopping the train is to jump down on the track, remove your underpants and wave them at the driver (see attached helpful video). It helps the driver if your knickers are red.
 

4SRKT

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East Midlands Trains, having anytime fares that are massively more expensive than off-peak ones will fool passengers travelling after 09:30 into thinking they are getting a good deal.
 
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