Comedic "things you would ban": minor things that irritate you

[Calthrop]

People on nerdy or niche websites or fora who seem to have what I call "most sensible monkey in the circus" syndrome... namely that they make a big show of how much they frown upon people being enthusiastic about the more superficial aspects of the subject. Just let people have their fun (within reason), nobody is going to give you a medal for being a stick-in-the-mud!

But on such scenes, there's got to be somebody like that -- having one such there and regularly doing their stuff, is part of the fun !

 

[Bishopstone]

Employers who provide you with Notebook/Tablet computers with detachable keyboards.

I have never, ever, wanted to detach my keyboard from my work computer, and I can’t think of any circumstances in which it would be useful to have this functionality.

Give me a robust laptop with enough memory to run core functions quickly, not a slim notebook where I can ‘write meeting notes with a stylus, on screen, interactively’ (nobody actually does this, do they?)

When I’m head of IT, the choice will be ‘proper’ laptop, or iPads for the weird stylus-writing mob. That’s it.

 

[Ianno87]

Jeremy Vine

 

[nlogax]

Jeremy Vine

And people who call into Jeremy Vine.

 

[Meerkat]

Employers who provide you with Notebook/Tablet computers with detachable keyboards.

I have never, ever, wanted to detach my keyboard from my work computer, and I can’t think of any circumstances in which it would be useful to have this functionality.

Does the keyboard still work when detached? If so that would be very useful for creating a decent sitting position.

 

[Bishopstone]

Does the keyboard still work when detached? If so that would be very useful for creating a decent sitting position.

Good thought. I haven’t been further than my living room for the last 18 months, and my solution for posture has been external full size keyboard and external monitor.

I suppose if you had somewhere to prop the detached screen, this could be advantageous, though to my mind still not worth the performance and lifespan pitfalls of these strange hybrid computers.

I may be woefully behind the times, but last time I looked, Apple only sold proper laptops or iPads (or desktops). Sensible people.

 

[greatvoyager]

People who abbreviate words like “totally amazing” to “totes amaze”.

 

[westv]

People who abbreviate words like “totally amazing” to “totes amaze”.

defo.

 

[yorksrob]

I would reset the routing guide to around 1996 and ban train companies from tinkering with it.

 

[43021HST]

English language dubbing, instead of subtitles for foreign films and TV series.

A case in point; I watched Wallander when it was first on the TV with subtitles and fully enjoyed it, revisited the Netflix English dubbed version and it was unwatchable, the dialogue just felt stilted. Ruining a perfectly good series for the benefit of dumb dumbs who don't want to read.

 

[Techniquest]

People who abbreviate words like “totally amazing” to “totes amaze”.

Absolutely!

I must add the strange obsession the world seems to have with the expression "I can't believe". One of my colleagues is great at using it, and it was part of a 'summer of sport' thing on the company TV broadcast in the canteen. Some summer of sport, it only focused on the football. No fuss made over the tennis really, and absolutely none for the Olympics...Anyway, on one of these TV bits it was going on about colleagues' memories of football moments in the past, one of them apparently still can't believe England lost to Iceland in 2010. Or whenever it was, I have a dislike of football. The Olympics (and the paralympics when that starts) is my level of sport, far as I'm concerned it's the elite of the elite. Let's not go there! This colleague though, how many years has he had to believe it?!

I occasionally find myself using the words 'I can't believe' and I tell myself off for it. Yes I CAN believe it, it's happening right there and then in front of me usually! Now if the expression was 'I don't want to believe it' that would be different...

Before I head off, I think you can all guess my next choice for this thread:

Football

 

[BanburyBlue]

Jeremy Vine

Definitely with you there.

TV newsreaders and presenters who feel the need to continually finish every sentence with a pun.

 

[duncanp]

Could we ban those bottles of tomato ketchup, brown sauce, mayonnaise where the label is put on upside down?

I know it is supposed to be so that you stand the bottle with the lid at the bottom, so that the sauce/mayonnaise etc. supposedly comes out more easily, but to a grumpy old so and so like me it is just plain stupid.

 

[jfollows]

I would reset the routing guide to around 1996 and ban train companies from tinkering with it.

I'd ban the routing guide and revert to using "reasonable routes" instead.

Probably not possible now that the routing guide has been incorporated into booking systems, often badly.

But sometimes it's just silly how "obviously sensible" routes are allowed, then disallowed, then allowed again. We all saw the recent mess over Oxford - Marylebone I'm sure. London-Wilmslow via Stoke and Stockport is my case in point, it's generally allowed thanks to an easement but it was always sensible before the routing guide, and it's just annoying when it reverts to a stopping service Macclesfield-Cheadle Hulme-Wilmslow.

 

[yorksrob]

I'd ban the routing guide and revert to using "reasonable routes" instead.

Probably not possible now that the routing guide has been incorporated into booking systems, often badly.

But sometimes it's just silly how "obviously sensible" routes are allowed, then disallowed, then allowed again. We all saw the recent mess over Oxford - Marylebone I'm sure. London-Wilmslow via Stockport is my case in point, it's generally allowed thanks to an easement but it was always sensible before the routing guide, and it's just annoying when it reverts to a stopping service Macclesfield-Cheadle Hulme-Wilmslow.

Yes, that's a far better suggestion. The railway network is a means of transport, not a brain teazer.

 

[py_megapixel]

Could we ban those bottles of tomato ketchup, brown sauce, mayonnaise where the label is put on upside down?

I know it is supposed to be so that you stand the bottle with the lid at the bottom, so that the sauce/mayonnaise etc. supposedly comes out more easily, but to a grumpy old so and so like me it is just plain stupid.

Conversely, I would like to ban people from standing those bottles on the bottom rather than the lid.

 

[52290]

Jeremy Vine

Replace him with his brother Tim

 

[Cowley]

Replace him with his brother Tim

I’d listen to that!

 

[SteveM70]

Messages on telephone queuing systems that keep reiterating (after you've been listening to music on hold for 40 minutes) "that your call is important to us".

It should be a legal requirement for the hold message to include the caller’s position in the queue and the number of people that are answering calls, so we can make an informed decision about whether to wait or not, or see how quickly we’re progressing up the queue

And one other thing - people who insist on putting pointless “zany” pictures and GIFs in work Teams chats. This idiocy has just been dropped into a serious chat about a business continuity issue:

 

[nlogax]

And one other thing - people who insist on putting pointless “zany” pictures and GIFs in work Teams chats. This idiocy has just been dropped into a serious chat about a business continuity issue:

Ugh.

We have a team Slack channel for everything, an acceptable mix of business and lightheartedness. If this sort of thing appeared in a tech-specific channel I'd yell bloody murder.

 

[birchesgreen]

The Teams thing is annoying, especially when you are trying to concentrate and you end up with a series of pop-up notifications which turn out to be "busy" colleagues putting up inane GIFs.

 

[AlterEgo]

People who post massive images on forums.

 

[SteveM70]

People who post massive images on forums.

Not sure if that’s aimed at me? If so, apologies, but I’m using my phone and it looks normal size to me

 

[AlterEgo]

Not sure if that’s aimed at me? If so, apologies, but I’m using my phone and it looks normal size to me

It was but it was light hearted!

 

[Spamcan81]

Halloumi. The most boring cheese I’ve ever sampled. It’s like eating a salty pencil rubber.

 

[Grumpus63]

Supermarket staff who virtually drag you to the self-service tills when they see you waiting for a staffed till to become available. If I had wanted to use one of those fangled things I would have gone to one in the first place. However, I remain polite when I decline...the staff are merely doing what they are encouraged to do.

 

[Gloster]

Supermarket staff who virtually drag you to the self-service tills when they see you waiting for a staffed till to become available. If I had wanted to use one of those fangled things I would have gone to one in the first place. However, I remain polite when I decline...the staff are merely doing what they are encouraged to do.

I fear that they know that the companies want to maximise automation and get rid of more staff, so they are hoping that by appearing so eager to help they will be among the few retained. It is the same with the staff in the bank branches who enthusiastically recommend on-line banking.

 

[Ianno87]

Supermarket staff who virtually drag you to the self-service tills when they see you waiting for a staffed till to become available. If I had wanted to use one of those fangled things I would have gone to one in the first place. However, I remain polite when I decline...the staff are merely doing what they are encouraged to do.

Also, people queuing for self-service tills who stand waiting at the front of the line when there are 5 machine being unused, because they think you have to be invited forward by a staff member.

(In my ultra-authoritarian alternate universe, use of self-service tills would only be permissible after passing a comprehensive series of tests)

 

[duncanp]

Supermarket staff who virtually drag you to the self-service tills when they see you waiting for a staffed till to become available. If I had wanted to use one of those fangled things I would have gone to one in the first place. However, I remain polite when I decline...the staff are merely doing what they are encouraged to do.

Supermarket self service tills that nag you half a dozen times to "....Please take your items...." when you are trying to pack your shopping away in your bag.

Just shut the **** up will you, I know you regard me as a nuisance now that you have taken my money off me, but I am not an octopus and I've only got one pair of hands. I don't want to spend any more time in your shop than is absolutely necessary.

Also supermarket self service tills where there is never anyone around to help when you get the dreaded "...unexpected item in bagging area..." or "..please seek assistance...." messages.

Mind you, the tills where there is an assistant aren't always much better.

Aldi in particular seem to train their assistants to scan all the shopping through the till in about two seconds, and then say "..that will be £xx.xx please..." and sit there harrumphing whilst you are trying to pack your shopping away and pay for it at the same time

Come to think of it, we could have a whole thread or even forum subsection about "What annoys me about supermarkets"

Rant over for the moment.

 

[nlogax]

People who only eat plain food and who find things like chicken korma 'too spicy'. Gahh.