Forum Jokes

[Techniquest]

Techniquest, why not check out Milton Jones? He's got some great one-liners and he delivers them really well. They're also all SFW.

I know of his work, I must have a proper look one day!

 

[backontrack]

Here's one joke of his:

You know when you do that thing when you're on the phone...

"...you put it down!"

"No, you put it down!"

"No, you put it down!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha, you put it down!"

"Listen, it's an old dog and you're a qualified vet!"

 

[Condor7]

If you listen to the song 'Hosanna in Excelsis' replace the words with 'Jose is now ex Chelsea' it sounds almost the same and would make a great football chant.

 

[northwichcat]

Here's one joke of his:

Some others:

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbours’. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.

If your name's Andre, don't end your texts with an x.

 

[backontrack]

Some others:

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately, I was out when it was delivered.

If your name's Andre, don't end your texts with an x.

Here are some others:

My grandfather, he broke the enigma code!



...machine.

[YOUTUBE]hyZD1tKNSyg[/YOUTUBE]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyZD1tKNSyg

My auntie, Jean, has a sister called Jean. Her daughter, Jean, just had a baby, called it...Jean.

They all went to a nightclub to celebrate, they got to the door and the bouncer said, "Sorry...

...you're all wearing trainers".

I come from a family of police marksmen - I think that was a reaction against my great-grandfather, who was a bank robber. He died quite recently, surrounded by his family.

A best of compilation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXfvbO-Doqw

[YOUTUBE]TXfvbO-Doqw[/YOUTUBE]

 

[zuriblue]

Mother Theresa has been made a saint by the Pope today.

Liverpool have responded by tabling a £25m bid.

 

[me123]

"I know it's Cheesy, but I feel Grate"

Reminds me of, by far, the best kitchen utensil currently on the market.

(And yes, you can actually buy it if you want a last-minute stocking filler!).

 

[backontrack]

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL JOKEY FORUM CHRISTMAS SONGS 2015

'It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christ's Hospital'

'I'll Be In Hove For Christmas'

'Fairytale of New Malden'

'In Dulce Jubilee Line'

'Leytonstone! Leytonstone! Leytonstone!' by Deansgate Martin

'White City' by Blundellsands & Crosby

'Stop the Camelon' by Jona Lewisham

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Says it all really

 

[backontrack]

Yes, it really does say it all.

 

[Domh245]

I feel this is more Accurate!



Jk - we love you really!

 

[backontrack]

And we hate resent despise love our southern friends!

Jk - we love most of you really! Just not the ones in the House of Commons!

 

[swj99]

I'm not saying my girlfriend is fat, but she's the only person in London who's allowed to walk in the bus lane to avoid any casualties on the pavement.

 

[Jetlagged]

I wouldn't say my mother-in-law was fat but they used her to kick start the jumbo jets at Heathrow.

Courtesy of Les Dawson. Just loved that man and his one liners.

 

[northwichcat]

People who weren't brought up as Christians probably won't get this one.

Darth Vader walks in to an assembly in a Catholic school and says "May the force be with you", the children respond by saying "And also with you."

 

[backontrack]

I saw a clairvoyant laughing the other day, so I hit her. I always like to strike a happy medium.

 

[krus_aragon]

I saw a clairvoyant laughing the other day, so I hit her. I always like to strike a happy medium.

I bet she didn't see that coming... :P

 

[backontrack]

I hadn't thought of that...

 

[Techniquest]

I saw a clairvoyant laughing the other day, so I hit her. I always like to strike a happy medium.

I'm nicking that one for today!

 

[cjp]

A bit long but...
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore short skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

 

[northwichcat]

It made a change to have Venison for Christmas Day dinner. I'm not sure how Santa got home though.

 

[FQ]

Terrible one that I heard yesterday.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrr!

 

[bb21]

A bit long but...
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore short skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

I am not sure whether laughing at the aged is rude but that certainly made me chuckle.

 

[zuriblue]

I was walking in the park when I spotted a dog with a football. I ran at him and did a sliding tackle. I won the ball but I caught the dog's legs too. I got fined £1000. I didn't see the "No Dog Fouling" sign.

 

[swj99]

Post deleted
Inappropriate content

Which is almost as funny as the original joke.

 

[341o2]

I bet she didn't see that coming... :P

were her plans for the rest of the day canceled due to unforseen circumstances...
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

People who weren't brought up as Christians probably won't get this one.

Darth Vader walks in to an assembly in a Catholic school and says "May the force be with you", the children respond by saying "And also with you."

Reminds me of Carry on up the Khyber....and up yours

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Terrible one that I heard yesterday.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrr!

Two pirates are standing on a dock, one with an eyepatch and a hook for a hand, the other with a wooden leg. Inevitably they get on to discussing their various injuries, the first pirate tells of how he lost his hand in a fight with the biggest great white shark he'd ever seen, so his mate the backstreet doctor fitted him with the hook. The second pirate then tells the tale of the ferocious storm that caused a mast to fall on his leg, and how his brave crewmates had to chop his leg off to save him from drowning. He then says "so what happened to yer peeper there, matey?"
"arrrrr, it's too embarrassing" says the first pirate...
The second pirate hands him a flask of rum and says " come on, we're both men o' the ocean, I'll not tell a soul"
So the first pirate takes a swig of the rum, and sighs... " well, it was a seagull. It shat in my eye"
The second pirate stifles a giggle and says "arrrrr, that don't sound pleasant but surely it wouldn't cause you to lose the eye?"
" it didn't, really..." says the first pirate "but it was me first day with the hook!"

 

[backontrack]

I know of his work, I must have a proper look one day!

Well, now's your chance!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06sgygq

 

[krus_aragon]

Two consecutive news articles on the BBC website (presumably unrelated):

Has N Korea really tested an H bomb?

Moment of cash machine explosion

 

[backontrack]

EDIT: There's another!

Milton Jones: Financial Advisor http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06sgygq
Milton Jones: Winemaker http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06ts1kz