Forum Jokes

[Heinz57]

Every forum should have one of these!

Share your jokes, make us laugh but keep 'em clean!

I'll kick us off...

This old chap was sitting in the park one way. When he noticed these two blonde girls doing a bit of work.
One would dig a hole, move along and then dig another. The second girl would follow imediatly filling the holes back in.
The guy sat there wating them, as one hole was dug, then filled in. One after the other. Confused, he decided to say something;

'Excuse me' He asked 'I don't mean to be rude but why are you digging holes only for you to fill them back in again?'

One of the girls replied 'Oh, well the girl that puts the plants in is on holiday'

 

[Yew]

Oh dear here it comes...


This one day, I was at work. We had been taking photos of loads of minor parts for the turbines, unfortunately I left the camera on a desk, but it was not there the next day. We searched everywhere for it, all our draws, the production line, the training room. But we just couldnt find it. In the end we decided the plant must have eaten it. Photosyntheses you know..

I got eight legs of venison for £50, do you think thats too deer?

I went scuba diving, there where these big flat fish all over the plaice.

I have a friend with a mexican fetish, shes a pedrofile

What do you call a raindeers facial hair.. A Mouse-tache.

I usually take steps to avoid elevators

I went to a zoo the other day, but the only thing in it was a single dog. no lions, no giraffes, no tigers. It was a ****zu

At any moment, bursting in to 'the lion sleeps tonight' is only a whim away

The navy used to use onions to ward off scurvy. They bought them alongside the ships on these long low boats. They caled them Onion Barji's

Why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field..


More if you can take it...

 

[deltic1989]

Ok, here we go.

Paddy sat on a hill, outside Dublin all night wondering where the Sun had gone........ All of a sudden it dawned on him.

How do you spot the Blonde in a car wash? ....She's sitting on a Motorbike.

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub..... The Landlord says 'Is this some kind of joke?'

What's the difference between a blind marksman and a constipated Owl? ......
One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't s**t.

What's the difference between a Giraffe and a JCB?......
One has Hydraulics the other has High b*****ks.

^^ if the above two are pushing it feel free to remove.^^

What's 6 inches long, 3 inches wide and drives women wild?.....
A £50 note.

A graduate with a Physics degree asks why it works....A graduate with an Engineering degree asks how it works......A graduate with a Psychology degree asks....
'Would you like fries with that?'.

A Canadian couple are on Holiday in Wales and they come to llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. For the life of them they can't work out how to pronounce the name of the town they were in.
As it was getting close to lunchtime they called into a restaurant and asked the lady serving if she could tell them where they were, but say it slowly.
The lady replied ' Buuuuurrrrrrrggggggeeeeerrrrrr Kiiiiinnnngggg'.

Have you ever wondered how copper wire was invented?
It was two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a bridge......'Really? What's come over you?'.......'2 cars and a bus.

Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a Mountain....... 'Yes, you do look a bit peaky.'

That's all for now folks.

 

[Johnuk123]

James gets home from school one day and tells his dad..

"Dad, dad i got a part in the school play"
Dad replies, "Who are you playing?"
James tells his dad, "I got a part playing a man who has been married for 25 years!"
Dad replies, "Never mind son, maybe next time you will get a speaking part!"





Two guys are walking down the street when a couple of muggers approaches them one holding a loaded syringe and the other holding a piece of wood and demands their money.
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash.

Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a £20 note........

........."Here’s that £20 I owe you," he says.






I was walking down the road this morning and some bloke threw a lump of cheese at me. I said to him that's not very mature.






Split up with my wife last night.
She said I think more about football than I do about her!
I said, “That’s unfair!”
I reasoned with her, but she stll $#@!ed off to her mother’s.

I was devastated! I’ve been with her for 12 seasons.

 

[Welshman]

A man wanted to go fishing, so checked if his partner could look after their 3 year-old daughter for the afternoon.
"Unfortunately I've got to go to work" she replied. "You'll have to take her with you. You never know, she might like it"
He was not happy, but did so want to go, so he reluctantly took her along.
He got home that evening, feeling very depressed. "Never again" he said.
"Why" replied his partner, "did she keep disturbing the fish?"
"No, not that" he replied.
"Well, did she keep disturbing you?"
"No"
"Well, what then?"
"She kept eating the bait" he replied.

*****

The local vicar was retiring, and at his leaving supper, people were paying tribute to him.
During the event, a little old woman sidled up to him and said
"I'm sorry to see you go. The next one won't be as good as you"
"You don't know that" he said, modestly. "He might be even better"
"Oh no, he won't" she replied.
"You don't know who it will be - how can you be so sure?"
"I've seen 8 vicars come and go in my time" she replied, "and each one's been worse than the last"

 

[90019]

I've just come back from the doctors. I've been told that I'm colour blind! I'm so shocked... this has come right out of the green.

 

[Peter Mugridge]

Homer Simpson fell into a vat at the bakery. "Dough!" he exclaimed.


Twenty dolls were lined up waiting for sausages. It was a Barbie queue.


The police have recovered a huge quantity of stolen DVDs, computers, radios, TVs and a whole host of other electronic gadgets. However, they say that at the moment they have not got any leads.


A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt; archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.


A crow was in a huge panic at not being able to find food. Another crow told it “Keep calm and carrion”.


A quick guide to the Conclave:

• White smoke – decision made.
• Black smoke – no decision made; more voting to follow.
• Red smoke – Cardinal has accidentally dropped his skullcap into the furnace.


There was this bloke who had a light bulb that just would not work. There was nothing wrong with it – it just wouldn’t light up. Then he had a brainwave and asked a German man to hold it for him. It still didn’t work, so he asked more Germans to link up with the one holding the bulb. Then the bulb lit up. Many Hans make light work.


Once, a cannibal crossed the Atlantic on the QE2. At dinner he asked the waiter to take the menu away and bring him the passenger list.


A man was telling his neighbour:
"I just bought a new hearing aid; it cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really?" answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."


Richard III made his famous appeal prior to the Battle of Bosworth Field. Ten minutes later a servant brought him a ready made lasagne.


Major panic in the supermarket until the manager very gently explained to the new recruit shelf stacker what horseradish was...

 

[hairyhandedfool]

Officer Paddy is on his patrol through town when he sees a regular drunk walking around and he has a Penguin with him. The officer goes over to him and asks "Paddy, where did you get that Penguin?". "I found him" Paddy replies. "Well take him to the Zoo would you" says Murphy. "That's a brilliant idea Murphy" says Paddy, "I'll do that, that's brilliant" and heads off towards the Zoo. The next day Officer Murphy is on his patrol and he sees Paddy again, and he still has the Penguin with him. "Paddy" he calls "didn't you take that Penguin to the Zoo?". "Yes I did" says Paddy, "and he loved it, and today we 're going to the cinema".

Two men go duck shooting by a lake and they take some alcohol with them to pass the quiet hours. As the day passes they don't see a single duck in the sky, so they have a drink, and another, and another, and another, and another, and to hell with the ducks, and then suddenly this one big fat duck flaps it's way across the sky and one of the men picks up his rifle and blast two shots into the sky. He hits the duck and it falls like a rock into the lake. "That there is good shooting" cries out his friend. The shooter replies "Well, I had to hit one out of a whole flock!"

The shooter turns to his dog and says "doggy! go get the ducky doggy!". The dog leaps up and heads at full speed to the lake, but instead of diving in, it just trots over the top of the water, picks up the duck with his mouth and trots back. "D'you notice anything funny about that dog?" the shooter says. "Yeah" his friend replies, "He don't swim".

 

[Johnuk123]

My daughter got an iPhone for her birthday.
My son chose an iPod for his.
An iPad was mine on my birthday.
I thought I'd carry on the trend, so I got my wife an iRon.

Then the fight started...

 

[swj99]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was upset that his mum never got him any Easter eggs.
She said, "I thought that you didn't like Easter anymore!"
Arnie replied, "I still love Easter baby!"

 

[Johnuk123]

I went to a tattoo shop today, the tattooist said, "What are you after mate?".

I said, "I want a picture of the most beautiful girl in the world".

He said, "Ok, where do you want it?"

I replied, "On my wifes face".

 

[David]

Warning :: Contains language that may offend some people.


ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

 

[Mojo]

The local amateur dramatic society have announced that their next performance will be about puns. I'm expecting it to be a play on words.

 

[Johnuk123]

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!




A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".




Little lad went into the Chemist and asked for a box of Tampons. The Pharmacist asked the little boy if he knew what they were for . The boy replied ' well the advert says that you can ride a bike and swim with these, and at the moment I can't do neither '

 

[Howardh]

I'm balding, but I went to the hairdresser anyway and he said he'd cut my hair for a fiver. And if I went back tomorrow he'd cut the other one.

I didn't have a happy childhood, When me and my mates played "doctors and nurses" with the girls, I was always the nurse.

I went to the doctor with an injury I got playing cricket. "Hows that, then" he asked.

I once met a bloke who had no arms. I asked him for his autograph.

Thought I'd met my perfect date over the internet, she said she's only had 16 birthdays. Turns out she was born on February 29.

 

[swj99]

A bloke was getting off with his girlfriend in the back of a car one evening. Just as things were getting really passionate, she said, "Kiss me where it smells !"
He replied, "Get lost, I'm not driving to Portsmouth at this time of night !"

 

[High Dyke]

Two cannibals are sat eating a clown. One asks the other "Do you think this tastes funny?"

 

[Johnuk123]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.




Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.




Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.




Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."




A pilot has engine trouble and lands in a field. As he walks around the plane to check out the problem, he hears a voice behind him say, "You have a clogged fuel line." Looking around, he sees no one, except a cow. Startled out of his wits, he runs across the field to the farmer's house and pounds on the door. When the farmer appears at the door, the out-of-breath pilot stammers that his cow has just talked--and even tried to explain what was wrong with the airplane.

The farmer drawled, "Was it a brown cow?" "Yes." "Did it have a white patch on its forehead?" "Yes, yes, that's the one." "OK, that's Flossie. Don't pay no attention to her. She doesn't know nothin' about aeroplanes."

 

[David]

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

 

[MidnightFlyer]

^ I'm sure you've used that one before

Anyway, one of my friends said I didn't understand irony yesterday, which was ironic as we were waiting for a bus at the time.

 

[ATW Alex 101]

May be offensive to some
I was having a **** in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"

"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a ****!"

He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

 

[Peter Mugridge]

The Army General was furious. “No you idiot!” he yelled to his Adjutant. “I said re-tweet this message!”

 

[90019]

Got pulled over on the way to work. Police says to me "Papers!". I shouted "scissors!". Clearly I won, so I drove off.

 

[swj99]

I think my wife has learning difficulties.

No matter how many times I hit her, she never learns.

 

[David]

Bit iffy that 1 .... Anyway ....

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

 

[Heinz57]

Deffenition of irony; Sharon Osbourne judging talent

 

[90019]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

 

[swj99]

Bit iffy that 1 .... Anyway ....

What you talkin' about Willis ?


When the UK invaded Afghanistan the Chinese thought it was a really stupid thing to do.

If we invade another Middle Eastern country they think it would be even Syria.

 

[Clip]

Called the Dolphin Helpline today.
Got a recorded message saying "This call may be recorded for training porpoises..."

------

Some really tragic news from the Nestle factory in Fawdon, a man was crushed to death , by hundreds of boxes of chocolate bars , he tried crying for help, but every time he shouted the Milky Bars are on me , everyone cheered

------



A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around atshop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy stickshis head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where hegoes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"

 

[SkinnyDave]

Why did God give you 4 cheeks?

Coz he made an arse of 2 of them