Forum Jokes

[bb21]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know." The second logician says "I don't know." The third logician says "Yes!"

Like it. That was quite witty.

 

[Johnuk123]

My mate lost his job on the dodgem cars. He's suing for funfair dismissal

What do you call an alligator in a string vest?
An Investigator.

 

[swj99]

My girlfriend is going to the hairdresser today.
For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction.

 

[Whistler40145]

Following a dispute with the Domestic Services staff at Buckingham Palace today, the Queen in silk robes swept down the staircase, dusted the hallway & hoovered the lounge. Another Two Ronnies classic.

 

[table38]

I was walking past the bookies, and there was a sign on the door that said "Open Sundays 11-4"

Well, I think I'm having £10 on that, because they were open last Sunday...

 

[Whistler40145]

What's the definition of impossibility?

Ask someone to sit in the corner of a round room!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Welshman]

I went to San Francisco.
I found this heart.
Now what?

 

[table38]

You could wear some flowers in your hair?
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
While I was at Kings Cross yesterday, a foreign woman holding a map came up to me and said "You're a Star". Really made my day

 

[ert47]

I must be doing good financially, just got a letter from my bank saying my Balance is outstanding!

 

[Welshman]

Mrs Welshman was amused to hear on a recent TV comedy show that the "glass ceiling" is to be replaced with something much easier for women to clean!

 

[table38]

I was thinking of having a Tattoo for my birthday.

But I decided not to, as I have quite a small garden, and I'm not really that fond of bagpipe music anyway.

 

[Johnuk123]

I've just bought the wife a Pug dog. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes, rolls of fat & being ugly as hell the dog seems to like her…

 

[table38]

I was stopped by the Police the other day, so I pulled over and the woman Police Officer walked over to my car.

I wound the window down and said "what's wrong?" and she said "Nothing..."

 

[Whistler40145]

Name three fish beginning and ending in K....

Killer Shark
Kwik Save Haddock
Kilmarnock...it's a place (obviously Plaice)

 

[table38]

I got invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham, and my friend said the theme was "spice".

So I went dressed as a chilli pepper, but when I got there, everyone else was dressed as astronauts.

 

[MidnightFlyer]

I got invited to a fancy dress party in Birmingham, and my friend said the theme was "spice".

So I went dressed as a chilli pepper, but when I got there, everyone else was dressed as astronauts.

That is brilliant

 

[Welshman]

I remember some time ago reading the story of a passenger guard who was rostered to work a Factory Day excursion from Nottingham to Portsmouth.

All went well on the outward journey, and, as he had about 5 hours before returning, decided he'd go over to the Isle of Wight, as he'd never been before.

On the way back, his ferry broke-down, and, much to his anxiety, he eventually arrived back in Portsmouth just as "his" train was pulling-out with a "spare" guard [those were the days]. So he jumped on the next service to Guildford to catch it there, but the same thing happened - as he pulled in, "his" train was being taken on by another "spare" guard. And he chased his own train all the way back to Nottingham.

When he got back, the depot was closed, so he quietly slipped off home in disgrace. The next day he went in, expecting "Please explain" demands waiting for him, but no-one said anything. He kept a low profile, and was glad to get home again after his shift. He was still feeling very guilty about what had happened. The following day, and the day after that, was the same. No comment. No mention of it at all. 'Have I got away with it?' he dared to wonder.

Weeks turned into months - nothing - all was normal. He'd forgotten all about it until he found he'd been rostered for exactly the same excursion, for the same factory, on the equivalent day one year on.

He turned-up bright and early that morning, to find a note from his manager saying, "See me"

Nervously he knocked on the door of that august character, to be met with a sly grin as the manager simply said:-

"Do try to bring it back this time"

 

[Whistler40145]

I bet he didn't try going to the Isle of Wight again!

 

[Don2912]

What's the difference between the Wednesday of Royal Ascot and the Queen's knickers?

One covers the Royal Hunt Cup, while the other covers... Something else completely.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

To The Tower with you!

 

[swj99]

I'll never forget the first time I met my wife.
If two bottles of whisky doesn't do it, then nothing will.


Why does Facebook keep showing me adverts for UK Christian Dating?
If there's one thing I don't need help with, it's finding girls who won't sleep with me.

 

[43106]

I’ve just been on holiday to Blackpool, and while I was there, I saw a man with a dog. The dog wouldn’t stop barking so the man hit it with a stick and killed it.
His wife had a right go at him and he hit her with the stick and killed her as well.
Someone called the police and when the policeman tried to arrest him, he killed him by hitting him with the stick.
To top it all, the crocodile ran away with the sausages.

 

[Johnuk123]

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Err... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a ****", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!






I was walking with my Husky this morning when we were approached by a strange looking bloke.
"That dog would make me a lovely coat!" He laughed whilst rubbing his hands together.
"I doubt it mate" I replied, "he's never even used a sewing machine."

 

[table38]

I've been watching events unfold in Ukraine on the news, and decided I wanted to go out there and see it for myself, and maybe see if there was anything I could do to help.

Unfortunately on the way there, our train broke down just north of the capital.

I looked out at the desolation and thought it was bad enough that we could be stuck here for a few hours, when people must have to live their whole lives here.

But then I remembered that Finsbury Park us on the Piccadilly line, so I ran downstairs and jumped on the tube to Heathrow for our flight.

 

[43106]

Looking at life from Adam's side:

God was strolling through the Garden of Eden when he came across Adam sitting under a tree.
"How's it going?" asked God.
"Oh……so-so," said Adam.
"You sound a bit hacked off," said God. "Is there a problem?"
"Well, it's just that I'm bored," said Adam. "The weather's good, the scenery's great and you pop by every now and again for a game of chess, but other than that……..I could really do with some company.
"I may have just the thing," said God, "Fresh in". She's beautiful, will keep your house spotless, keep the kids quiet and out of your way, terrific in bed and cordon bleu in the kitchen."
"Sounds great," said Adam. "Can I have one?"
"Certainly," said God, "It will cost you an arm and a leg though."
"Oh," said Adam, thinking rapidly, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history!!!!

 

[fishquinn]

I've been watching events unfold in Ukraine on the news, and decided I wanted to go out there and see it for myself, and maybe see if there was anything I could do to help.

Unfortunately on the way there, our train broke down just north of the capital.

I looked out at the desolation and thought it was bad enough that we could be stuck here for a few hours, when people must have to live their whole lives here.

But then I remembered that Finsbury Park us on the Piccadilly line, so I ran downstairs and jumped on the tube to Heathrow for our flight.

Brilliant!

 

[43106]

Mick and Paddy are standing on top of a cliff. Mick has a budgie on his shoulder and Paddy has a parrot on his. Mick jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the budgie flies off and Mick continues to fall until he hits the ground in a crumpled heap. Paddy then jumps off the cliff. Halfway down the parrot flies off but Paddy quickly pulls out a gun and shoots it dead. He then lands in a similar heap beside his friend. Mick looks up and says, "Bejaysus, that budgie jumping isn't any fun".
Paddy replies, "I can't recommend the free-fall parrot-shooting either".

 

[Minilad]

BREAKING NEWS: Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic's as he has heard you can lose both legs and still win

 

[Johnuk123]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this advice religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 8 children, 18 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

Which reminds me:
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and an Aberdeenshire farmer?
Mick Jagger is always having to say "Hey you, get off of my cloud" and the farmer is always having to say "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"