Forum Jokes

[Nella52]

Great thread this, thanks for everyone's contribution

Here's one from me

Nicola Sturgeon was touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car. They go round a sharp bend and hit a cow that had wondered onto the road.

Nicola says to the chauffeur "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, so go and tell the farmer", says Nicola ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies "Well when I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. "I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

 

[cjp]

WHY ETHEL CHANGED MOTELS

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 50th Birthday she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a penny off his well-oiled body...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now ... Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!

Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line madam.”

 

[Nella52]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto."

 

[E_Reeves]

Somebody drove their expensive car into a tree, then they saw how the Mercedes-Bends...

 

[Techniquest]

Oh my there were some brilliant jokes in there! Creased up laughing reading them this morning, thanks gentlemen for those

 

[deltic1989]

The Wife and I were discussing reincarnation last night. I explained that when you die you come back as another creature. "I want to come back as a Cow" She says.
"you're not listening to me are you love?" Was my response.

 

[CarlSilva]

So they want to make a United States of Europe to save the Euro, with Germany in charge.
What a brilliant plan! Why did nobody think of that before ?

 

[cjp]

I think I should begin with an apology but here it goes anyway :-

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!?”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers, “Here. Iron this.”

Sorry
I'll get my coat....
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
At a wedding ceremony, the vicar got to the bit when he asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started slowlt walking toward the vicar..

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The family started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The vicar asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

The woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

 

[Alex 2901]

My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock...Badminton!

Yeah...even by my standards that's bad...

 

[AndrewE]

BBC News: The Trumpettes
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-37380573
Unfortunately this turned out not to be a novelty stage act... (so I didn't bother watching it)

Unlike this man:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Pétomane
who would have been worth seeing!

A

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Shame the only footage is silent, rather defeats the object somewhat...

Which brings me to:

Q. Why do farts smell?

A. So that deaf people can enjoy them too.

 

[CarlSilva]

Wasn't sure where else to put this, so here you go. Looks like it from a film or something maybe ?

Is from here >

http://twentytwowords.com/things-you-can-do-to-make-sure-people-hate-you/21/

 

[abn444]

Q: What is the default ringtone for the Samsung Galaxy Note 7?
A: "Firestarter" by The Prodigy

 

[Jonny]

I came across this on the internet. It's been doing the rounds for a long time:

Who should you vote for in the next election? What about Nobody? After all, Nobody is clearly the best candidate. Nobody cares. Nobody keeps his election promises. Nobody listens to your concerns. Nobody tells the truth. Nobody will lower your taxes. Nobody will defend your rights. Nobody has all the answers. Nobody should have that much power. Nobody makes apple pie better than Mom. And Nobody will love you when you're down and out.
source: http://hoaxes.org/archive/permalink/nobody_for_president

 

[Jetlagged]

Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable without You It's like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer I Drink.


And the Number One Country & Western song is...


1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.

 

[zuriblue]

A train station is where a train stops.
A bus station is where a bus stops.

On my desk I have a work station.

 

[cjp]

Adults only

NUDE SANTA

Scroll down to see the nude Santa

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For crying out loud. Act your age. There is noSanta!

Sometimes I worry about you!!! Now go and get some work done!!!

The urine sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.

Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted ... I just smiled.

DON’T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!

 

[341o2]

An old lady lived alone with her cat.

She finds an old lamp, rubs it, and the genie offers her three wishes
"I want to be eighteen years old with a fantastic body"
A puff of magic light and it was so

"I want the most expensive dress money can buy to show off my figure"
A puff of magic light and it was so

"I want Puss to be my handsome prince"
A puff of magic light and it was so

He took her in his arms and whispered softly in her ear
"I bet you are now sorry you took me to the vet for that operation"

 

[cjp]

A Dark and Stormy Night
This will Make Your Day

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe ... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.

Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes and a small, hunched old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. But my master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist ... However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.” With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely ... Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both passed away.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He Bursts in and Shouts to his Master, “Master, Master”

“The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music!” I am Soooooo Sorry ... But You Really Should’ve Seen That Coming!!

Happy Haloween

 

[Welshman]

I always take more care when having my breakfast now, having read of a man who was drowned in his muesli.
Apparently he was pulled in by a strong currant.

 

[Phil.]

When Will I. Am dies will his headstone read Will I. Was?

 

[Welshman]

To boost funds, a church choir decided to go carol-singing.
They sang one verse of "O Come all ye Faithful" and the man opening the door began to sniffle.
They then sang one verse of "Silent Night" and the man began to weep.
They sang one verse of "O Little Town of Bethlehem" and the man started to blubber.
At which the vicar intervened and said "I sense Christmas is a difficult time for you"
"No" he replied, "it's just I'm a professional musician"

 

[northwichcat]

On a visit to Canada Theresa May walks in to the hotel restaurant at 7am. The waiter says"Good morning Mrs May what can I get you?" She responses "Breakfast." The waiter asks if she'd like to be more specific but Theresa May responds by saying "Breakfast means Breakfast." The waiter returns with pancakes, maple syrup and orange juice, to which Theresa May responds "This isn't what I wanted. It's far too sweet for my liking." The waiter responds by saying "Would you prefer Eggs Benedict, toast and coffee?" To which Mrs May says "Of course I would and everyone else should have the same whether they want it or not."

 

[Strat-tastic]

A recent survey found that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

What would you say to comfort a grammar pedant?
There, their, they're.

 

[Calthrop]

Further on the subject of grammar pedantry: that famous historical episode, the Pedants' Revolt. It was led by Which Tyler. And when the king rode out to meet the rebels and try to negotiate with them; he got to the place where they were assembled, and remarked in surprise, "Goodness me ! You're numerous, for sure -- I'd thought that there'd be less of you." At which the rebels yelled, as with one voice, "FEWER !"

 

[Nella52]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. Whilst he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in
the Holy Land for just $100".

The diplomats have a discussion for a few minutes and then tell the undertaker that they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100?".

The Americans reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. Whilst he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies.

The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in
the Holy Land for just $100".

The diplomats have a discussion for a few minutes and then tell the undertaker that they want Donald Trump shipped home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you
would spend only $100?".

The Americans reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk".

I love it

 

[Calthrop]

Prompted by 61653 HTAFC’s “leprechauns” tale a couple of pages back.

A farmer in the far west of Ireland was going through difficult times: bad weather thus poor crops, low prices for what he produced, assorted government / bureaucratic-type annoyances, wrangles with family and neighbours. One day he was walking in the hills at the back of his farm, brooding over his problems; when he saw sitting under a hedge, a tiny man dressed all in green. “Heavens !” thought the farmer. “Must be a leprechaun – though I was sure they were mythical”. He did the prescribed thing – raised his hat and said politely, “Top of the morning to you”. The leprechaun replied, “And to you, mortal”; and the farmer went on his way. From then on, things began to improve for the farmer. He took to regularly going on the same walk; at the same point, more often than not, he encountered the leprechaun; they exchanged respective greetings as per formula; and his fortunes continued getting progressively better.

This carried on for several years, and the farmer and his farm were prospering nicely; then a time came when encounters with the leprechaun, ceased. He was no longer to be seen at his customary spot under the hedge, or anywhere else. To match, the farmer’s fortunes sank over time to a new low, worse than anything he’d known before – absolutely everything went totally wrong for him. After a couple of years of this, he was close to despair. One day he took his usual walk in the hills; as he walked, he was seriously contemplating suicide. But, lo and behold – he came to what had been the leprechaun’s spot; and the leprechaun was sitting there once again, just as if nothing had ever been any different.

The farmer greeted him in the usual way, and the leprechaun reciprocated accordingly. The farmer made so bold as to continue: “Seems I haven’t seen you for an awful long time. I’ve got to say, things have been really bad here.”

“Yes, sorry about that,” said the leprechaun. “I was away for a spell – I had to do my National Service.”

The farmer found this ridiculous. “You’re having a laugh,” he said. “National Service for leprechauns? I’ve never heard anything so crazy in all my life.”

“It’s true, I tell you,” replied the leprechaun. “Have you never heard of the National Elf Service?”

 

[Stew998]

Scrawled on the wall of toilet cubicle:

Things I hate:

1. Graffiti
2. Irony
3. Lists

 

[90019]

Scrawled on the wall of toilet cubicle:

Things I hate:

1. Graffiti
2. Irony
3. Lists

Things I hate:

1. Graffiti
2. Lists
3. Irony
4. Lists
5. Repetition
F. Inconsistency