Forum Jokes

[Phil.]

A man is driving home one wet and windy November night when his car breaks down. It's eleven o'clock at night and the country road is deserted. He sees a light in the distance and starts walking to-wards it. Half a mile later he is at the door of a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and the farmer answers and opens the door. The man explains his predicament. The farmer listens sympathetically and tell him that he's welcome to spend the night there.
"The only thing is" explains the farmer, "you'll have to share the bed with my nineteen year old nubile daughter".
"I'm sorry" replies the man as he starts to turn away, "I appear to be in the wrong joke".

 

[61653 HTAFC]

At a farm in the middle of nowhere, the farmer's daughter is out the front of the house, milking a cow. The farmer looks out and sees a soldier walking down the road so shouts to his daughter to come inside because "you know what soldiers are like". When the soldier has passed, the daughter returns to milking the cow. A few minutes later the farmer sees an airman walking down the road, so again orders his daughter inside because "you know what airmen are like". A little while later the farmer sees a train driver* coming down the road. Rushing out, he once more shouts "Alice! Get inside, you know what train drivers are like... and bring the cow with you too!"

(*=obviously you can substitute the occupation/group/football team supporter of your choice here!)

 

[cjp]

A puppy was running across the fields when he to the railway line. At the time there was a train going by at a medium speed. The puppy wanted to get to the other side so he sat there and watched as the cars went by trying to gauge when would be the best time to cross under the train. He finally decided to try it and went over the first rail to the middle of the tracks.
Then he did the same thing over again, trying to gauge when to go. He decided to try it and almost made it but about 3 inches of his tail got chopped off by the train wheels. He didn’t want to lose that part of his tail so he stuck his head back to try to pick it up but the train wheels caught him again and it was all over for the little puppy.

Moral of this story: Don’t lose your head over a little piece of tail.

 

[pemma]

A foreign tourist was reading a newspaper headline which says "IDS gives his view on Brexit." He asks a local man what does IDS mean. The main replies "It's a condition where you need to dispose of a big load of **** without much warning." The tourist replies "I'm confused. The headline implies IDS is a man." The local man responds "Oh sorry I thought you said IBS. IDS is very similar though as it's where one man suddenly dumps his **** on the whole country."

 

[341o2]

A lawyer is driving past a field and sees a man eating grass, so he strops and asks why

"Well, I'm so poor, this is all I can afford"
"Come to my house and I'll see you are fed"
"That's generous, I have a wife"
"Bring her as well"
"And four children"
"Bring them as well"
" I can't begin to thank you enough"
"That's fine" says the lawyer "You will really like it at my house, the lawn hasn't been mowed for weeks"

 

[zuriblue]

After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain. Nice one, 2016.

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.

 

[CarlSilva]

Well, that's my Christmas ruined.
I've just seen on Wikileaks what my parents have got me.

 

[backontrack]

Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to see Santa at the North Pole?

He couldn't get past Iceland.

 

[Johnuk123]

 

[Jetlagged]

Fred was a window cleaner and one day whilst on the job, he couldn't believe his eyes when a very attractive and shapely woman got out of her shower and started to dry herself off, right in front of him.

Then she suddenly spotted Fred and being a feminist and strong-willed, she didn't scream, but merely stared at Fred in an attempt to shame him into looking away.

They locked eyes in confrontation, for what seemed like minutes. Suddenly, Fred cracked.

"What are ya staring at? Haven't ya ever seen a window cleaner before?

 

[pemma]

After getting home from his work on Christmas Eve Santa didn't feel too good. He called his doctor who examined him and concluded the problem was a mince pie was lodged up his anus. The doctor told him not to worry because he could recommend a type of cream for it.

 

[pemma]

Fred was a window cleaner and one day whilst on the job, he couldn't believe his eyes when a very attractive and shapely woman got out of her shower and started to dry herself off, right in front of him.

Then she suddenly spotted Fred and being a feminist and strong-willed, she didn't scream, but merely stared at Fred in an attempt to shame him into looking away.

They locked eyes in confrontation, for what seemed like minutes. Suddenly, Fred cracked.

"What are ya staring at? Haven't ya ever seen a window cleaner before?

There's a similar one where a woman showering hears a knock on the door and a voice says "It's the blind man. Can I come in?" She thinks that's OK as he's blind so calls him in. The man walks in and says "So I'm fitting a blue blind in this room. Is that correct?"

 

[Cowley]

After getting home from his work on Christmas Eve Santa didn't feel too good. He called his doctor who examined him and concluded the problem was a mince pie was lodged up his anus. The doctor told him not to worry because he could recommend a type of cream for it.

That reminds me of this one (although it may have been said before).

A man walks into the doctors and says "doctor, I've got a lettuce leaf sticking out of my bum",
The doctor says "to be honest sir I think that's just the tip of the iceberg",
"I'll put a dressing on it"...

 

[341o2]

Doctor, doctor, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my rectum

- Howzat!

DONT YOU START!

 

[pemma]

A Serco manager recently travelled to Spain to check on the progress of the new sleeper stock which CAF are building. The supervisor assured him almost everything was going well but there was one problem which he would point out when they got to it. The Serco manager was impressed with the first four carriages but almost had a heart attack on seeing the fifth. The CAF supervisor said "Yes this is the part we are having problems with. The problem is getting the disco ball to work properly when the train is moving", to which the Serco manager replied "Why are installing a disco ball?", to which the CAF supervisor replied "Well that was going to be our surprise. We were told the carriages needed to be properly boogied as people would be spending the night on them so what better way than by installing a disco ball?" The Serco manager said "We never asked for boogied stock", to which the CAF supervisor said "Oh. We did employ a English speaking administrator with a 99% accuracy rate and she typed 200 words so that must have been one of her errors but don't worry we'll sort it but not before you hear the talking engines we've developed for Northern complain about the EU regulations."

 

[cjp]

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

 

[CarlSilva]

My mate reckons that he's the best pot dealer in the North West. I just think he's got delusions of ganja.

 

[zuriblue]

I really am a lousy cook. Put me in a kitchen with a tin of Corned Beef and a bag of spuds and I'd make a real hash of it.

 

[Calthrop]

W.S. Gilbert, of Gilbert and Sullivan, was a bit of a slob, with no interest in being smartly turned-out: at times, he looked a bit like a tramp. One evening he was -- in "unkempt" mode -- in the lobby of the theatre where one of his comic operas was playing. A pompous, immaculately-dressed gentleman, taking him for a prole, barked at him: "Here, fellow ! Call me a cab !"

Gilbert responded: "Very well, then, sir -- you're a cab. I wish I could call you a hansom [handsome] cab."

 

[341o2]

And then there was Sir Thomas Beecham, conductor, who spent the family fortune on such epics as Richard Strauss' Salome, based on a play by Oscar Wilde

Of one singer he said she reminded him of a runaway cart with a dragging brake

To a lady cellist "Between your legs lies God's greatest gift to mankind, all you do is sit and scratch it"

Looking for singers to cast, one of his talent scouts was sent to hear a singer named Maria Fuchs. He replied by telegram which read "Maria Fuchs wonderful" with a typo. Beecham replied "I dare say she does, now stop enjoying yourself and find out whether she can sing"

Beecham was once travelling by train when a lady in the compartment asked "Do you mind if I smoke?" to which Beecham replied "Do you mind if I am sick?"
To which she haughtily replied " I hope you know that I happen to be one of the director's wives."
"Madam, I do not care if you are the director's only wife, I shall still be sick!"

And just remembered another G&S story, where the pair were annoyed that their works were being staged in the USA with no payment of royalties, Gilbert decided to Americanise HMS Pinafore with the following

"He is American
Though he himself has said it
'Tis little to his credit
That he is American
For he might have been a Dutchman
An Irish, Scot, or such man
Or even an Englishman

But in spite of hanky panky
He remains a true born Yankee
A cute American

 

[Calthrop]

Looking for singers to cast, one of his talent scouts was sent to hear a singer named Maria Fuchs. He replied by telegram which read "Maria Fuchs wonderful" with a typo. Beecham replied "I dare say she does, now stop enjoying yourself and find out whether she can sing"

In similar vein: Churchill's remark, when made aware of a new MP -- likely, of the opposing party -- with the surname Bossom. "Neither one thing not the other."

 

[341o2]

And he also detested one privy councellor, on hearing he was coming, Churchill remarked "Tell him I'm seated on my own privy and can only deal with one s---t at a time

 

[Calthrop]

Talking of privies: one of our government's weird anachronistic features is the sinecure office of Lord Privy Seal. The post was held for a time by Churchill's "frenemy" Ernest Bevin, who remarked that it was an odd title for him because he was "neither a lord, a privy, or a seal".

 

[AndrewE]

My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.

That reminds me that my wife moans during sex...


last night she complained that the shelf I put up wasn't quite level...

 

[pemma]

Richard and Gareth were coming out of a pub one evening when Richard spotted a Sheep with its head stuck in the railings.

"Look at that Gareth, we cant miss a chance like that" says Richard

So Richard walks up behind the sheep, drops his trousers and does this business.

Richard then says "Okay Gareth its your turn next"

So Gareth drops his trousers and stuck his head in the railings......

 

[backontrack]

My uncle changed his name to 'Deed Poll'...

...he filled the form in wrongly.

 

[EbbwJunction1]

Allegedly, Lord Rothschild, upon leaving his club, was offered a hat by the doorman.

"Is that mine, my man?" asked his Lordship. "I wouldn't know, my Lord", came the reply "but it's the one that you brought with you!"

 

[zuriblue]

I really am a lousy cook. Put me in a kitchen with a tin of Corned Beef and a bag of spuds and I'd make a real hash of it.

 

[IanD]

I really am a lousy cook. Put me in a kitchen with a tin of Corned Beef and a bag of spuds and I'd make a real hash of it.

We heard you the first time.

 

[backontrack]

We heard you the first time.

I really am a lousy cook. Put me in a kitchen with a tin of Corned Beef and a bag of spuds and I'd make a real hash of it.