Forum Jokes

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Heinz57, 22 Jun 2013.

  1. Dom395

    Dom395 Member

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    We are now arriving at Broadstairs, note this station does not have a lift but it does have broad stairs.

    You don't need to say how corny that joke was.
     
  2. zuriblue

    zuriblue Member

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    Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
    .
    He wants to make America grate again.



    What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

    An orange has a thick skin.



    My friend said to me, “I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump.”

    “What, a suicide bomber? ” I asked.

    “No, a surface to hair missile.”


    How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

    Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
     
    Last edited: 14 Feb 2017
  3. zuriblue

    zuriblue Member

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    I know I don't need to but I will anyway. :D
     
  4. Peter Mugridge

    Peter Mugridge Established Member

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    President Trump heard his National Security Adviser had resigned.

    He needed a drink to steady his nerves; the barman recommended a Mickey Flynn.
     
  5. 61653 HTAFC

    61653 HTAFC Veteran Member

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    Change it "bigly" presumably?
     
  6. mirodo

    mirodo Member

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    A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign on the bar:
    Cheese Sandwiches £3
    Ham Sandwiches £4
    "Manual Relief" £5

    He beckons over the barmaid, a shapely blonde, and asks her "Are you the one who provides the "manual relief?"
    "Why, yes I am", she replies with a cheeky smile.
    "Fine. Go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich".
     
  7. Cowley

    Cowley Established Member Associate Staff General Discussion

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    Some stranger just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!!
    Luckily my injuries are just super fish oil.
     
  8. ainsworth74

    ainsworth74 Forum Staff Staff Member Global Moderator

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    You see this is clever because the actual joke is the suggestion that Middlesbrough even has a central business district!
     
  9. EbbwJunction1

    EbbwJunction1 Member

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    I went to my dentist this morning.

    Noticing that she wasn't very happy, I asked her why she was so down in the mouth.
     
  10. aformeruser

    aformeruser Veteran Member

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    After losing his seat in the last election Ed Balls founded a financial management company with his friends Richard Smith and Peter Alcock. The business is called Dick, Ed Balls & Alcock.
     
  11. 341o2

    341o2 Established Member

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    Actual headlines.

    Prostitutes appeal to the Pope

    Juvenile court to try shooting defendants

    Two Russian ships collide. One dies


    Lady goes into chemists and asks "Do you sell Viagra?"
    "Yes, we do"
    "Can you get it over the counter?"
    "I can if I take two"
     
  12. deltic1989

    deltic1989 Established Member

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    Building on this, more real headlines:

    "Federal Agents raid gun shop........Find weapons."

    "Midget sues Grocer....Cites belittleing remarks."

    "City unsure why sewers smell."

    "County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds."

    "China may be using the sea to hide it's submarines."

    Exerpt from a report about an air crash at an undisclosed location in the United States:
    "So far NTSB Invetigators are working on the theory that the rash occured when the airplane hit the ground."
     
  13. backontrack

    backontrack Established Member

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    I saw a cannibal devour a prioress in the Trent Valley.

    Nuneaton.
     
  14. 341o2

    341o2 Established Member

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    Then there was a cannibal who stewed some missionaries and complained that they tasted awful

    He was asked what denomination the missionaries were

    "Franciscans"

    "Well, you should never stew Fraciscans - they're Friars"

    ----------

    Then there was the cannibal who got married and toasted his mother in law at the reception

    And this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBtsi3CkfBE
     
    Last edited: 18 Feb 2017
  15. aformeruser

    aformeruser Veteran Member

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    Add to the list

    Cork man drowns.
     
  16. Busaholic

    Busaholic Established Member

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    My father spent the last fifty years of his life as a teetotaller, but I feel sure he'd have taken up drink again if he'd lived to see the teetotaller Trump as President.
     
  17. 61653 HTAFC

    61653 HTAFC Veteran Member

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    Disclaimer: stolen from DATM forum.

    I went out drinking in Leeds last night, missed the last train so decided to get a taxi. Driver said it'd be £40, I said it was only £20 last month. Driver replied that it's because Huddersfield is getting further from Leeds every week!
     
  18. DaveHarries

    DaveHarries Established Member

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    Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password on the internet.

    It's not stroganoff. :lol:

    Dave
     
  19. Cowley

    Cowley Established Member Associate Staff General Discussion

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    Brilliant :lol:
     
  20. 341o2

    341o2 Established Member

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    And

    Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

    Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

    Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

    Farmer Bill Dies in House

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

    Stud Tires Out

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

    British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at the same Checkout Counter

    Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

    British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

    Man found dead in graveyard
     
    Last edited: 19 Feb 2017
  21. DaveHarries

    DaveHarries Established Member

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    I would start a discussion about coffee but I can't help thinking that one or two people might make a mochary of the idea... :lol:

    Dave
     
  22. GusB

    GusB Established Member

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    It's far too latte in the day for coffee jokes.
     
  23. backontrack

    backontrack Established Member

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    Now you're milking it.
     
  24. Cowley

    Cowley Established Member Associate Staff General Discussion

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    The Labour Party
     
  25. 341o2

    341o2 Established Member

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    Well, there is the one about steward assaulted on train.

    Goes to a first class carriage, there is a Chinaman seated there.

    Steward asks "You for coffee?"

    Chinaman hits him
     
  26. aformeruser

    aformeruser Veteran Member

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    How do you get rid of a large political party? Use a core bin.
     
  27. cjp

    cjp Member

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    The Hunter

    One day, while a hunter was sitting too close to a river, his rifle fell into the river and disappeared right before his eyes. When he cried out, suddenly an angel appeared and asked, “My dear child, why are you crying?” The hunter replied that his rifle had fallen into the water and that he needed it to help supply food and necessities for his family.

    The angel dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a $17,000 Linux-powered .300 Winchester Magnum with a 22-inch barrel.

    “Is this your rifle?” the angel asked.

    “No,” the hunter reluctantly replied.

    The angel again dipped into the river. This time he held out a highly engraved Winchester 1886 in .50-110 Winchester.

    “Is this your rifle?”

    Again, the hunter shook his head and reluctantly replied, “No.”

    The angel reached down again and came up with a beat-up, no-thrills Savage Axis.

    “Is this your rifle?” the angel asked.

    “Yes,” the hunter replied softly and rather ashamedly. The angel was pleased with the man’s honesty and ended up giving him all three rifles to keep, and the hunter went home happy.

    A week later, the hunter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, showing her where the miracle occurred, when his wife fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When he cried out for help, the angel again appeared and asked him, “What is wrong?”

    “Oh kind angel, my wife has fallen into the river!”

    The angel went down into the water and, to the hunter’s amazement, came up with Marilyn Monroe.

    “Is this your wife?” the angel asked.

    “Yes!” cried the hunter.

    The angel was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

    “Oh, forgive me,” the hunter pleaded, “it is only a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Marilyn Monroe then you would have gone back into the river and come up with another gorgeous beauty. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have gone back in and come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes, ‘ you would have given me all three. Please, I beg of you, I’m not in the best of health, nor the richest man, and would not be able to take care of all three women; so, that’s why I said ‘yes’ to Marilyn Monroe.”

    And so the angel let him keep her.

    The moral of this story:
    Whenever a man lies, it’s for a good and honorable reason; and, in the end, in the best interest of everyone involved.
     
  28. 43106

    43106 Member

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    My wife asked me "What's on the telly?"
    I said "Dust", and that's when the fight started...
    _________________________________________

    I was in a pub, next to a group of the fattest, ugliest women you have ever seen. They were talking to each other in an accent I couldn't work out, so I asked them "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?" One of the angrily replied "No, it's Wales.....WALES YOU MORON!"
    "Oh, sorry" I replied. "Are you whales from Scotland?" and that's the last thing I remember....
    ______________________________________________________________

    A man received the following text from his neighbour:-
    “I’m sorry, Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess that I’ve been tapping your wife – day and night, whenever you’re not around – probably more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies, with my promise that it will never happen again.”
    The man, anguished and betrayed, went to his garden shed, grabbed a hammer, went to the bedroom and bludgeoned his wife to death.
    A few moments later, a second text came in from the same neighbour, saying…
    “Damned Auto-Correct. I meant to say ‘wifi’, not ‘wife’”!
     
  29. Jetlagged

    Jetlagged Member

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    "Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

    The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

    The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

    "Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
     
  30. pne

    pne Member

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    In an effort to reduce our reliance on fossil fuels, scientists have long since begun looking into producing locomotives that burn other organic products that come from renewable resources, to be used on tracks that have not yet been electrified.

    In the UK, this has never progressed beyond some experimental prototypes in laboratories, but it's well known that Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.
     

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