Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
deep underground while digging for coal, a man came across a creature with a human head on a bull's body.
It was a minertaur.
It was a minertaur.
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krus_aragon
Established Member
The creature had one of its offspring with it too: a Minor-taur.
Jetlagged
Member
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A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
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zuriblue
Member
For the last couple of months I've been on the Katie Hopkins diet.
I got on the scales this morning and I found that I'd lost 24,000 pounds.
I got on the scales this morning and I found that I'd lost 24,000 pounds.
341o2
Established Member
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- 1,906
A plane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board but only four parachutes.
The first passenger Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger John McCain said, "I'm a senator and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit in the United States of America." He grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country and I will make America great again." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag."
The first passenger Holly Madison said, "I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans don't want me to die." She took the first parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger John McCain said, "I'm a senator and a decorated war hero from an elite navy unit in the United States of America." He grabbed the second pack and jumped.
The third passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in our country and I will make America great again." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out.
The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr Graham. There's a parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag."
341o2
Established Member
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nappies and politicians should be changed frequently.....for the same reason
Seat in a mk4 coach threatens the seat in front of it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/5z4yr6/one_move_and_ill_blow_your_damn_head_off/
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/5z4yr6/one_move_and_ill_blow_your_damn_head_off/
I thought they did at 7 River Court, Brighouse Business Village Brighouse Road, Middlesbrough. One person sat in an office collecting post for numerous companies (HMV, Denby, Oceans Imports, Hilco etc.) and then forwarding it on to the offices where the businesses actually operate from.
I think this one might have appeared earlier, but in case it hasn't...
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, that's a hardware fault.
(Alternatively: None. They just say it's a single user issue.)
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be silly, that's a hardware fault.
(Alternatively: None. They just say it's a single user issue.)
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Jetlagged
Member
- Joined
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- 197
A woman walked into the village pharmacy and said, "I´d like to buy some arsenic."
"I can't sell you arsenic," answered the pharmacist. "What do you want it for?"
"To kill my husband," she replied.
"That's awful," he said. "No way can I sell it to you."
The women opened her purse and took out a photograph of her husband in bed with the wife of the pharmacist.
"Ah! You didn't say you had a prescription."
"I can't sell you arsenic," answered the pharmacist. "What do you want it for?"
"To kill my husband," she replied.
"That's awful," he said. "No way can I sell it to you."
The women opened her purse and took out a photograph of her husband in bed with the wife of the pharmacist.
"Ah! You didn't say you had a prescription."
cjp
Member
Sven and the Russian wrestler.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Sven and said. Now, dont forget all the research weve done on this Russian. Hes never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, youre finished. Sven nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, Sven and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Sven and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldnt watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air ... His back hit the mat with a thud and Sven collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy!! The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before?
Sven answered, Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face-- I had nuttin to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.
So the trainer exclaimed, Thats what finished him off?
Vel not really. Youd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own balls!!
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Sven and said. Now, dont forget all the research weve done on this Russian. Hes never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, youre finished. Sven nodded in acknowledgement.
As the match started, Sven and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Sven and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldnt watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air ... His back hit the mat with a thud and Sven collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy!! The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone he asked, How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before?
Sven answered, Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face-- I had nuttin to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could.
So the trainer exclaimed, Thats what finished him off?
Vel not really. Youd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own balls!!
zuriblue
Member
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!
Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Not a joke, but a humorous poem.
"Hark to the tale of Frederick Worms,
Whose parents weren't on speaking terms.
So when he wrote to Santa Claus,
he wrote in duplicate because...
One went to Dad and one to Mum,
Each asking for plutonium.
Frederick's father and his mother,
(without consulting one another)
each sent a lump of largish size,
intending it to be a big surprise.
Each piece by itself was safe to pass,
but together were more than critical mass.
So they met in Fred's socking and
laid waste to ten square miles of land.
Please learn from this tale of nuclear fission,
not to mix science and superstition."
"Hark to the tale of Frederick Worms,
Whose parents weren't on speaking terms.
So when he wrote to Santa Claus,
he wrote in duplicate because...
One went to Dad and one to Mum,
Each asking for plutonium.
Frederick's father and his mother,
(without consulting one another)
each sent a lump of largish size,
intending it to be a big surprise.
Each piece by itself was safe to pass,
but together were more than critical mass.
So they met in Fred's socking and
laid waste to ten square miles of land.
Please learn from this tale of nuclear fission,
not to mix science and superstition."
CarlSilva
Member
- Joined
- 3 Jul 2016
- Messages
- 144
A Chinese man walks into a pub in West Belfast. He orders a pint of stout, drinks half of it and then goes to the toilet. He's no sooner gone than a bloke gets up out of his seat and goes up to the bar and farts in the Chinese man's Guinness. The Chinese man returns but the barman stops him from drinking telling him what had just happened. The Chinese man goes over to the guy responsible and shouts 'Ah you fart in ma Guinness?' And the guy says 'No, I'm Gerry Adams'
credit where is due - http://www.sickipedia.net/joke/ua7oarq7ucxla
credit where is due - http://www.sickipedia.net/joke/ua7oarq7ucxla
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
I posted a similar joke a few months back, albeit the beer was Whitbread, which dates it somewhat...
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,906
Groan #1
an Eskimo was out fishing when he felt cold.
So he lit a fire, which burned a hole in his canoe and it sank.
the moral of this tale....you can't have your kayack and heat it
Groan #2
The body of a Viking was discovered frozen. It was defrosted and taken to Prof. Wather who managed to revive it, but the brain did not respond.
the moral of this tale.
You may take a Norse to Walther, but you can't make him think
an Eskimo was out fishing when he felt cold.
So he lit a fire, which burned a hole in his canoe and it sank.
the moral of this tale....you can't have your kayack and heat it
Groan #2
The body of a Viking was discovered frozen. It was defrosted and taken to Prof. Wather who managed to revive it, but the brain did not respond.
the moral of this tale.
You may take a Norse to Walther, but you can't make him think
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PHILIPE
Veteran Member
I didn't know that President Mugabee came from Yorkshire until I read his name backwards.
cjp
Member
A very sad day today.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
A man had an accident on the golf-links when his buggy overturned. He crawled out from under the wreckage just as the secretary's wife, who was a stunning-looker, was passing by.
Seeing him, she rushed to him and helped him to her house nearby. Here she pampered him and plied him with drink until he felt a bit stronger. When he said he'd better go to his wife, she persuaded him to stay and cooked him a delicious dinner. After eating, he said he really must go, but she put her arms round him and whispered in his ear that he could stay the night if he wished, as she was alone that night.
He again protested that he should go to his wife, and she reluctantly agreed.
"Where is she, by the way?" she enquired.
"Still under the buggy, I suppose" he answered.
Seeing him, she rushed to him and helped him to her house nearby. Here she pampered him and plied him with drink until he felt a bit stronger. When he said he'd better go to his wife, she persuaded him to stay and cooked him a delicious dinner. After eating, he said he really must go, but she put her arms round him and whispered in his ear that he could stay the night if he wished, as she was alone that night.
He again protested that he should go to his wife, and she reluctantly agreed.
"Where is she, by the way?" she enquired.
"Still under the buggy, I suppose" he answered.
cjp
Member
My sex life is like a Ferrari. I dont have a Ferrari.
DaveHarries
Established Member
Before I commence this joke please could I state that I PM'd a moderator of this forum to check if the altered form, as given here, was OK to post. The reply I got was that "the altered version is probably OK, yes, but my disclaimer is that if another moderator disagrees, I had nothing to do with it, and I know nothing."
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are *****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."
Dave
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are *****d off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."
Dave
krus_aragon
Established Member
Did you hear about the two monocles who fell madly in love with each other, and planned a huge, lavish wedding? They decided no to, in case they made a spectacle of themselves.
Or; if a red and a white blood corpuscle fell in love, would it be in vain (vein)? Admittedly this works better spoken, than written.
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,906
A burglar broke into a house. As he started to move around, a voice called out
"Jesus is watching you"
So he doused his light, waited, when nothing happened, he resumed, only to hear
"Jesus is watching you"
This time, he used his light to view the surroundings and saw a parrot on a perch which said
"Jesus is watching you"
Relieved, the burglar asked "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence"
With a smile, the burglar asked " Now who would call a parrot Clarence?"
"The same one who calls his Rottweiiler Jesus"
"Jesus is watching you"
So he doused his light, waited, when nothing happened, he resumed, only to hear
"Jesus is watching you"
This time, he used his light to view the surroundings and saw a parrot on a perch which said
"Jesus is watching you"
Relieved, the burglar asked "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence"
With a smile, the burglar asked " Now who would call a parrot Clarence?"
"The same one who calls his Rottweiiler Jesus"
backontrack
Established Member
I can't say I really care for poetry, especially all that dire imagery stuff. In my humble opinion, metaphors are crap, and similes are like crap.
The board at Denby Dale Pies is meeting for crisis talks as a result of the House of Commons cancelling a contract. It turns out the 100 pies they supplied every week were all eaten by Eric Pickles who has announced he is standing down as MP.
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