Forum Jokes

[backontrack]

Strange that they didn't cover their heads at the mosque, but that they did with the Pope. Did Trump mix them up or something?

 

[AndrewE]

Didn't the male athlete have one in the first place? :-?

He might have, but Jeremy's original joke about a female athlete was fine...

 

[cjp]

Why men shouldn’t write advice columns

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down almost a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help.

I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We’ve been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and said that they were having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I’m a wreck and need advice urgently can you help please?
Sincerely, sheila.

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clean, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake and also check all grounding wires if none of these approaches solves the problem. It could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressures in the injectors.

I hope this helps,
John

 

[341o2]

A drunk goes into church and enters the confessional box. The priest waits, then tries coughing to attract the man's attention to no avail, and eventually tries knocking.

To which the drunk replies "It's no use mate, there's no paper in this one either!"

 

[Cowley]

A drunk goes into church and enters the confessional box. The priest waits, then tries coughing to attract the man's attention to no avail, and eventually tries knocking.

To which the drunk replies "It's no use mate, there's no paper in this one either!"

Made me laugh.

 

[12CSVT]

Passenger : "How much does a return ticket cost ?"

Ticket clerk : "Where to ?"

Passenger : " Back here"

 

[mat64nl]

Hoping this hasn't already been said but...

A little boy of 6 years old asked his mum if he can go to a farm to see his tractors.
His mum replies "but you have so many indoors you can play with, why do you want to go and see a big one?"
The boy insists he must go, so a week later, he's taken to it.
The mother tells the farmer how the boy has a tractor obsession, and that he has lots of tractor models and posters inside his bedroom.
The farmer lets the boy sit on his lap and have a ride in the tractor.
Minutes later, the tractor gets stuck in some mud and the farmer can't get it out.
"I hate tractors now!" the boy says.
When he gets home he tears down his posters and puts all of his models in the bin.

15 years later and this same boy is at the restaurant with his date.
His date then stops breathing.
The boy manages to very quickly resuscitate his date.
The people sitting around them say "How did you do that so well?"
The boy replies...
"I'm an extractor fan."

 

[Lrd]

Hoping this hasn't already been said but...

A little boy of 6 years old asked his mum if he can go to a farm to see his tractors.
His mum replies "but you have so many indoors you can play with, why do you want to go and see a big one?"
The boy insists he must go, so a week later, he's taken to it.
The mother tells the farmer how the boy has a tractor obsession, and that he has lots of tractor models and posters inside his bedroom.
The farmer lets the boy sit on his lap and have a ride in the tractor.
Minutes later, the tractor gets stuck in some mud and the farmer can't get it out.
"I hate tractors now!" the boy says.
When he gets home he tears down his posters and puts all of his models in the bin.

15 years later and this same boy is at the restaurant with his date.
His date then stops breathing.
The boy manages to very quickly resuscitate his date.
The people sitting around them say "How did you do that so well?"
The boy replies...
"I'm an extractor fan."

Sorry I think you have the wrong thread. This is the jokes thread!

 

[krus_aragon]

Do you know why you can't build a perpetual motion machine?

It's because breaking the laws of thermodynamics is a heat crime.

 

[Adlington]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching an American street performer do some juggling. The juggler notices the four gentleman have a very poor view, so he stands up on a wooden crate and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes"

"Oui"

"Sí"

"Ja"

 

[A Challenge]

I was trying to think up some new jokes on the Green Party last night. It was no use,they've all been recycled.


The first FA Cup was held at the Oval Cricket Ground (as I heard on R4 LW Test Match Special England vs Bangladesh) and I wad hoping the pitch was all on the Leg Side of the Wicket, as otherwise even when the the ball was on the pitch it would be offside.


I installed a lie blocker onto my computer, it works like a Ad blocker but blocks lies. I now can't see anything on any of the main Political Parties' website.

 

[cjp]

A minister was seated on a plane bound from Hong Kong to the US with a stopover in Honolulu...

After the stopover a crusty old Marine boarded and as fate would have it he was seated next to the minister.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The flight attendant asked the Marine if he wanted a drink.

The Marine asked for Rum & Coke, which was prepared and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink

He replied in disgust... “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The old Marine then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

“Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

 

[cjp]

POLITICIAN:
One who
Shakes your hand
Before elections
And your Confidence
Later.

 

[northwichcat]

The autocorrect feature on my phone decided to have a laugh last night. I was writing a tweet and had typed in Theresa May, then I mistyped polling and autocorrect thought I meant pillory.

 

[backontrack]

I saw a big gang of lions walking down the high street today.

Probably because it's Pride Week.

 

[DaveHarries]

Once when I was at my school's old scholars reunion someone read this at the informal party on the last evening. Thought I would share it here even though, at the age of 35, it doesn't apply to me just yet.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about
trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and
scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull,
but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see
things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was.
I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of
weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to
reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or
sputter.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Sorry if it has been heard here before.

Dave

 

[Adlington]

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38
revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your
Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you
gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say: 'times up' "?

 

[northwichcat]

A woman was angry at her husband for never helping out with the cleaning. She told him "Unless you start doing your fair share of the cleaning you're going to get a slap." One day 3 months down the line the man cleaned the house and thought he'd done a very good job, until his wife returned and slapped him. The husband said "What was that for? I cleaned the house!" The wife said "You never listen to me do you? I told you to do your fair share of the cleaning and it's not your turn to clean the house this week."

 

[cjp]

At Any Given Moment

7,000,000 people are engaged in sex

8,000,000 are kissing.

1,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

1 sad soul is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine...

 

[341o2]

Chap goes into a patent office to register his inventions.

"I invent things which fold to save space" he told the member of staff "My first is the folding bottle, which I an calling the Fottle" She smiled.

"The next is the folding carton, which I am calling the Farton" At which she laughed and said "Those are very silly names, the last sounds a bit rude"

This upset him, so he left without describing his next invention

The folding bucket

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has announced he's sending an urgent shipment of viagra to Maidenhead after he heard about Theresa May's "erectoral difficulties"...

Apologies to the fine nation and people of Japan, and indeed the rest of the human race.

 

[341o2]

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has announced he's sending an urgent shipment of viagra to Maidenhead after he heard about Theresa May's "erectoral difficulties"...

Apologies to the fine nation and people of Japan, and indeed the rest of the human race.

Reminds me of the seaside postcard where the boss is telling his secretary that it is the election of male members, not the word you typed

 

[cjp]

Not sure if this is humour after Google's involvement with the EU commissioners but . . .

- Hello! Gordon’s pizza?
- No sir it’s Google’s pizza.
- So it’s a wrong number? Sorry.
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please.
- Yes sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
- OK! This is it.
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.
- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another drugstore.
- It’s not showing on your credit card statement
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per your last tax return form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
- What the hell
- I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you
- Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago

 

[backontrack]

There's been reports of rioting in Northumberland. People are denouncing the Queen and state.

It's Alnwick-y.

 

[Adlington]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stay that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR .
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

 

[northwichcat]

Tuesday-
Good Morning Britain. Piers Morgan is absent today after yesterday's filming for Killer Women didn't quite go as planned. We'd like to reassure viewers that neither the cameraman or the producer were harmed and both are safe and well.

Wednesday-
Bad Morning Britain. Piers Morgan has been discharged from hospital and is back with us today.

 

[roversfan2001]

Theresa May has asked Rangers FC to help in Brexit negotiations. She said that as they are very familiar with a quick European exit they are a perfect addition to the negotiation team.

 

[Adlington]

This is a rail forum, so let's have something thematic (courtesy of Newsbiscuit, "the news before it happens")

Train announcer dies of heartache because he really was sorry

 

[341o2]

There is a major accident (or crash in Bournemouth Echo speak) and three couples arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter looks up the credentials of the first and shakes his head

"All your life you worshipped money, even your wife had to be named Penny"

To the second

"You are no better, you lived for drink, why even your wife had to be named Sherry"

So the third man turns to his wife and says "Come on Fanny, we don't stand a chance here"

ps

 

[jbqfc]

Donald Trump's parrot
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential
swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the
Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart,
Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that
he just speaks the words, he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."