Forum Jokes

[341o2]

As it is Wimbledon, I decided to buy a punnet of strawberries and looked online for a recepie.

One I tried said "Cut the strawberries in half, dust with icing sugar and pile cream on top"

Anasol tastes absolutely revolting

 

[pemma]

A few jokes that have apparently gone down well at the Edinburgh Fringe

Every time I was late for work something amazing happened at 9am but I don't know what it was but my boss would always say "Where were you at 9am?"

Catching a bus is like getting a girlfriend. You wait ages for one and then when one turns up you find 40 other guys have already ridden her.

The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call the invention the brella but he hesitated when announcing his invention.

 

[Adlington]

Scotland is set to serve ‘baby in a basket’ across a range of establishments, complete with a bed of chips, coleslaw and a touch of 70’s nostalgia. Baby boxes with be delivered to new mothers for the first time, containing essential Scottish items, such as – a pewter quaich, kilt belt buckles and a distrust of the English.

Health Officials confirmed that the paperboard tray will be disposable, once the deep-fried infant is consumed. Also, the box will include a squared tissue to absorb any fat dripping and to remind you of the traditional tablecloth worn by Scottish nationals.

Parents may chose to cover their child with love and affection, while others will opt for ‘salt’n’soss’. Likewise, the Scottish Government has said the boxes will meet the highest UK safety standards and KFC’s own taste test. It is hoped the boxes will help ensure every baby is given the best possible start in life or at least to become the best possible starter.

Source

 

[GW43125]

Source

I'll have to see if that's in 'Spoons next time I'm up there

 

[pemma]

On hearing American rapper LL Cool J was on holiday in North Wales the mayor of Llandundo asked him to perform at their local festival and he agreed. After being introduced by the MC, he come on stage and said "I have performed thousands of times around the world but this has got to be the first time someone has mispronounced my name when introducing me - for the benefit of the MC the first part of my name is elle elle."

 

[cjp]

A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “I don’t know her name, she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be insane. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and credit cards, and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money.”

“So that’s exactly what I did.”

And now you know the rest of the story...

 

[Peter Mugridge]

Donald Trump looked at sponsoring a revival of the direct Euston to Inverness daytime service.

He lost interest when it was explained to him that the name was spelled with a "C".

 

[najaB]

Donald Drumpf looked at sponsoring a revival of the direct Euston to Inverness daytime service.

He lost interest when it was explained to him that the name was spelled with a "C".

That is a proper 'railway nerd' joke.

 

[Techniquest]

That is a proper 'railway nerd' joke.

I'm clearly not the nerd I asumed I was then, as I very much don't get it!

 

[bradford758]

Apparently Gilbert O'Sullivan is getting rid of the paved area outside his house.
A lawn again, naturally.

Sent from my 4009X

 

[najaB]

I'm clearly not the nerd I asumed I was then, as I very much don't get it!

The Euston to Inverness day train was the Clansman. It took me about five minutes to get it.

 

[Techniquest]

The Euston to Inverness day train was the Clansman. It took me about five minutes to get it.

Fair enough, different generations of railway enthusiasts in play I suppose. Admittedly I keep out of politics so the Trump part of the joke I certainly don't follow and am not overly bothered about that.

 

[Condor7]

I'm clearly not the nerd I asumed I was then, as I very much don't get it!

Don't worry, I didn't get it either, I'm just glad you asked.

 

[pemma]

"Welcome to the final of the women's wrestling championships. In the blue corner we have current world champion Fiona Smith weighing in at 75 kilos."

"You *******. I only weigh 72 kilos!"

 

[Cowley]

Two dyslexic brothers are in the kitchen cooking when one says "Can you smell gas?"
"Nah" says the other. "I can't even smell my own name."

 

[GW43125]

A Yorkshire city has gone missing. Police say they are looking for Leeds...

 

[najaB]

A Yorkshire city has gone missing. Police say they are looking for Leeds...

That actually hurt.

 

[GW43125]

That actually hurt.

I'm here all week...

 

[krus_aragon]

I left my alphabet soup on the stove the other day and forgot about it.

It nearly spelled disaster.

 

[zuriblue]

I was in Zürich today and I got chatting to a couple from the West Midlands. The guy had a bit of a Black Country accent but his wife was really broad.

Just goes to show, the female of the species is Dudleyer than the male.

 

[Calthrop]

There was a chess convention in a big city; many of the participants, and fans there to support their favourite players, were staying in the same hotel. One evening they happened to congregate in the hotel foyer -- they started swopping stories of their various past chess feats and triumphs. The gathering got pretty boisterous, with those present topping each others' s narratives at an increasing volume, and the tales getting progressively more astonishing.

Finally the hotel manager appeared, and asked the ladies and gentlemen to disperse.

"But why?" one asked.

The manager replied: "I'm sorry, I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

[anti-pacer]

Donald Trump is on a state visit to England and meets with the Queen. Over a cup of tea he asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, I was thinking and wondered if we could become a kingdom". The Queen shakes her head and replies, "No, to be a kingdom, you must be a king and you sir, are not a king".

So Trump tries again. "How about a principality"? Again the Queen says, "No", telling him, "To be a principality you must be a prince, and you sir, are not a prince".

In desperation Trump asks, "An empire then?". Again the Queen replies, "No", and explains, "To be an empire you must be an emperor, and you sir, are not an emperor".

The Queen sips her tea and notices Trump ready to ask another question, so before he can, she says, "You know sir, looking at you and your situation, I can assure you that you shall definitely remain a country"!

(THINK ABOUT IT!)

 

[Cowley]

Fine Young Cannibals. Not much of a deterrent is it?

 

[cjp]

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” George Burns

 

[341o2]

Donald Trump is on a state visit to England and meets with the Queen. Over a cup of tea he asks the Queen, "Your Majesty, I was thinking and wondered if we could become a kingdom". The Queen shakes her head and replies, "No, to be a kingdom, you must be a king and you sir, are not a king".

So Trump tries again. "How about a principality"? Again the Queen says, "No", telling him, "To be a principality you must be a prince, and you sir, are not a prince".

In desperation Trump asks, "An empire then?". Again the Queen replies, "No", and explains, "To be an empire you must be an emperor, and you sir, are not an emperor".

The Queen sips her tea and notices Trump ready to ask another question, so before he can, she says, "You know sir, looking at you and your situation, I can assure you that you shall definitely remain a country"!

(THINK ABOUT IT!)

Variation of
Once we were a kingdom and had a king, then we were empire and had an emperor, now we are just a country

Once President Regan invited HRH to attend a race meeting at which one of the horses broke wind loudly "I'm so embarassed," said HRH
"Really, " said Regan, "I thought it was the horse!"

 

[341o2]

That actually hurt.

Thieves broke into a mobile police unit and stole the Elsan. A spokesman said that they had nothing to go on

I tried Viagra with my all-bran. Don't know whether I am coming or going

 

[cjp]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish based firm.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... “And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager “That’s Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,

‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.’”

 

[cjp]

Apparently the First Lord of The Treasury* is contemplating changing the flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

* One T May

 

[krus_aragon]

People say making a meringue is safe and easy, but it isn't without whisk!

 

[61653 HTAFC]

People say making a meriangue is safe and easy, but it isn't without whisk!

It's easier to make than to spell, apparently!


Last week, my boss (who is an Ulsterman) called me into his office for my mid-year review...

I went in and sat down, and told him I thought his post-Ultravox work had been a bit sub-par.

...