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Forum Jokes

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DaveHarries

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Teacher asks class if Man Utd is their favourite team. Everyone says yes except for Jimmy. "What's your favourite team, Jimmy?" He says, "Liverpool." Teacher asks "Well why is that?" "Well, my dad & mom are Liverpool fans, I guess that makes me a Liverpool fan." Angry teacher says, "If your dad was a moron & your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?" He replies "Well, that would make me a Man Utd fan.

Dave

(PS: I am not a fan of any premiership club: the club I support is in the next division down.)
 
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pemma

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I was told the colour blue had a calming effect so one day when I was feeling stressed I decided to talk to a man wearing a blue rosette. Talking to him didn't cause me to be more relaxed but when he said something that annoyed me I punched him and felt much better afterwards.
 
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341o2

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I brought a greyhound, saw a pal and said "look at this dog I got for my wife"

He replied "not a bad swap", then "Are you going to race him?"

"Of course not, he can run much faster than I can"
 

MotCO

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The board at Denby Dale Pies is meeting for crisis talks as a result of the House of Commons cancelling a contract. It turns out the 100 pies they supplied every week were all eaten by Eric Pickles who has announced he is standing down as MP.

Never mind, I've heard that they have picked up a new contract at Sutton United FC!
 

CarlSilva

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On a the football theme.
If you're ever disappointed with what you receive this Christmas just remember somewhere, someone is unwrapping a Tottenham shirt.
 

Muzer

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Just came up with this. I'm sure something similar must have been done before, but here it is, nevertheless. There's a few (eg Victoria) I'm not too happy with, but meh, it's a first draft. A few of the points are rather arcane, so feel free to ask if you're confused at where they've come from...



What your favourite tube line says about your character:

Central: You prefer to take things in different directions to others. You prefer a solution employing the newest technology over a less effective one based on more basic principles. When something isn't working for you, you'll drop it, as soon as sentiment allows; but you see great potential in things other people think are worthless. You feel the heat, but can always take it.

Waterloo & City: Simplicity is key. Purity of solution is more important than effectiveness. Things should be made for one purpose and one purpose only, and be optimised for that. On the other hand, if someone's already made something that meets your needs, you'd rather use that than reinvent the wheel. You prefer to stay apart from the crowd if you think you have a better way, but are willing to join them when your needs align.

Bakerloo: You highly value tradition - and the colour brown. Even when something's broken, you prefer to repair it than start afresh. If someone else comes along who can make better use of what you have, you'd be happy to give it up. You believe there's no reason anyone would need to go to Watford. You're happy with what you have and don't ask for more.

Northern: You think outside the box. While others agonise between two options, you decide to do both. You believe that it's important to spend money to make money. You hope to get so successful that you can sell off part of your enterprise for a huge profit. You don't mind so much about appearances, but are willing to put the effort in when it'll help you get what you want. You're above all an innovator - you came up with the ideas that everyone else is now taking for granted, and you're not afraid to take risks when the payoff is good.

Victoria: Speed is always of the essence. You like being a middle man. You believe in the importance of proper enunciation. You're quite a modern person, but look back with respect on figures of the past. You're practical and overall quite plain in appearence but indulge yourself here and there. You believe that every labourious job will soon become obsolete due to automation.

Jubilee: You take things other people have failed to make work and go off in a different direction with them. You're not afraid to abandon something you worked hard on if a better opportunity arises, though you like to keep it around just in case. Everyone is surprised at your success and yet wonders how they managed to live without you. You think it's worth spending a little more on something to improve the aesthetic, even with no other purpose.

Piccadilly: You also like to make best use of old things, but unlike some aren't hampered by tradition - you're perfectly willing and able to push tried and tested technologies to get yourself ahead of others using the latest designs. But you recognise that nothing lasts forever and it will eventually be time to start afresh. You're happy to share with others to make life better for both of you, but you always let them have priority when there's a problem. You're always looking for new partners. You can be a little slower than others when working, but you believe this is just because you're more thorough, which is why people like you.

Metropolitan: You have delusions of grandeur which are slowly fading as you realise the harsh reality of your situation. You remain stubbornly independent until forced to conform. You always remain cool no matter what you're exposed to. You will abandon former friends and make enemies if it'll get you ahead. Once you were a world leader, inspiring others and being imitated everywhere, but now you secretly feel you're close to irrelevant. Many of your former achievements have been taken from you and sullied. You think that maybe, just maybe, there's a reason people might want to go to Watford.

District: You started life quickly learning the harsh reality, being abandoned by friends early on, and yet still managing to get by. You're outdated as well, but willing to admit and embrance that, making the best of what you have and celebrating your achievements. You will abandon something that still has value in order to try to keep up with the crowd. You're very good at making use of and acquiring the resources of others; but you've also given things of your own up for better causes.

Circle: You're forever trapped in the middle of bitter rivalries and arguments, though things recently have finally calmed down a bit. You're thus able to keep your cool. You remained constant and steady for the longest time, attempting to inject some stability into your life, but you have recently finally realised that it's time to move on for your own good, even if it upsets some people. When things go wrong for you, they really go wrong, but you always remind yourself that you'll get there eventually, however slow progress is.

Hammersmith & City: You've attempted to reinvent yourself, breaking away from those who previously defined you, but everyone can see you're still exactly the same underneath. Some people wonder what the point of you even is. Despite your best efforts, people tend to forget about you, lumping you together with your peers. You're never well-informed, and don't really have much at all that you can legitimately call your own.
 

341o2

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Toby, the pub dog was born in a pub, lived in a pub and finally went to doggie heaven.
As a pup he was docked, and now found it difficult to express his new found joy. So his wish to return and seek the missing appendage was granted
He woke the landlord at night and explained his mission
"Sorry, Toby, but you must know that I am not allowed to retail spirits after hours"

A piece of string came to a bar and asked for a beer
"We don't serve string here"
So the string left and asked a passer by to tie him up like a pretzel and have the ends teased out
In this new guise the string came back into the bar and ordered a beer
The barman said "Aren't you that string I refused to serve just now?
"No, I'm a frayed knot!"
 
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LiftFan

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What 3 things will outlast humanity?
1. Cockroaches
2. The DFS Sale
3. Signal Failure at High Street Kensington
 

cjp

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A school teacher was arrested today at Heathrow Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, the Prime Minister said she believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement. She did not identify the man, who has been charged by the police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, Mrs May said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”; but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are three sides to every triangle.”’

When asked to comment on the arrest, the Prime Minister said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

Fellow Tory colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by any Prime Minister.
 

Domh245

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Not enough mentions of the words "strong and stable" for it to be real...
 

Cowley

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Ordinary working people
Coalition of chaos
Ordinary working people
Coalition of chaos
Repeat
 

61653 HTAFC

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Another planet...
Ordinary working people
Coalition of chaos
Ordinary working people
Coalition of chaos
Repeat

Or an old favourite of the Tories, always referring to "our NHS" because using a possessive pronoun will distract from it being secretly sold off...:roll:

Back on topic:

How many Therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb has to want to change first.
 

Cowley

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From Jeremy Hardy on the News Quiz - Radio 4:

Athlete says to her doctor "I think I'm growing a penis from all these performance enhancing drugs "
Doctor - "Anabolics"?
Athlete - "No just the penis so far".
 
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341o2

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this one does better when spoken, apparently true

At a posh dinner & dance, a French lady was asked what she wanted most in life and replied "a penis"

Embarassed silence until someone said "I think Madame means happiness"
 

IanD

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this one does better when spoken, apparently true

At a posh dinner & dance, a French lady was asked what she wanted most in life and replied "a penis"

Embarassed silence until someone said "I think Madame means happiness"

I'm sure it was in a Carry On film or something of that ilk.
 

Welly

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From Jeremy Hardy on the News Quiz - Radio 4:

Athlete says to his doctor "I think I'm growing a penis from all these performance enhancing drugs "
Didn't the male athlete have one in the first place? :-?
 

backontrack

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Ordinary working people
Coalition of chaos
Ordinary working people
Coalition of chaos
Repeat

I think a parrot could do Theresa May's job.

"SQUAWK! STRONG AND STABLE! SQUAWK! STRONG AND STABLE! GIVE ME A MANDATE! SQUAWK! MANDATE! STRENGTHEN MY HAND! SQUAWK! STRONG AND STABLE! SQUAWK! COALITION OF CHAOS! BREXIT MEANS BREXIT! SQUAWK!"

Hang on, I think that should be 'strengthen my wing'...
 

341o2

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I'm sure it was in a Carry On film or something of that ilk.

the one done in the Carry on series was Abroad when Sid James was trying to cheer up a fellow member of the group

"Have a smoke?"
"No, tried it once and didn't like it"
"Have a drink?"
"No, tried it once and didn't like it"

At this point, his wallet falls open

"That's a picture of my daughter, she's just like me"
"An only child, I presume"
 

341o2

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Didn't the male athlete have one in the first place? :-?

There was the one regarding women Russian athletes having problems regarding Chernobyl fallout

Another from the USA is why is there no Mexican Olympic team

Anyone who can run, swim or jump is already here
 

NSEFAN

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Why's it called a class 180? Because you turn 180 degrees and get the HST on the opposite platform!
 

pemma

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The BBC has said in the interests of impartily the cameraman ran over by Corbyn's car must also be run over by May's car, Farron's car and Lucas' car.
 

LiftFan

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How do you start a fire without matches, a lighter or flint & steel?

Just use a D-Train with a fuel leak!
 

341o2

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An elderly lady goes to the ticket office in Toronto and asks for a train ticket To New York

"Do you want to go by Buffalo?" enquires the clerk
"Certainly not, by train"
 

krus_aragon

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While discussing cinema:

"Do you know that Will Smith never sleeps at big hotel chains? He's a star in independent stays."
 
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