Forum Jokes

[Techniquest]

After all that, I was expecting a better punch line if I'm honest!

 

[cjp]

After all that, I was expecting a better punch line if I'm honest!

Sorry

Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelling west.

It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression; “He who has a Tates is lost!”

Better?

 

[Phil.]

A provincial zoo was very proud of it's pair of Gnus. They were thrilled when it was discovered that the female Gnu was in calf and, after the prescribed time gave birth to a beautiful little calf. Unfortunately some weeks later the male Gnu died from unexplained causes. The mother and calf Gnu continued to thrive until one day the female Gnu was found dead in her enclosure. "Still", as the zoo director remarked, "we still have the young Gnu and now that it's weaned it'll manage without it's mother". Shockingly, the young Gnu was found dead a few days later of it was thought a broken heart after both it's parents had died.


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Well, that's the end of the Gnus here's the weather............

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Well seeing as there's there's trend for long-winded jokes with silly punchlines...

A man and his wife tried for years to grow big vegetables which they could enter in the village fete, but could never manage to get anything bigger than average on their allotment. One day though, the man rushed into the house, thrilled that he'd found an enormous cauliflower growing on their plot. His wife came to look and could barely believe her eyes, the cauliflower was almost 2 metres from top to bottom and just as wide!

Typically though, they’d missed the fete by one week and couldn’t decide what to do with this ginormous vegetable. They decided to cut a piece off to have with their tea, and when it was cooked the woman tasted a bit. “How is it?” the man asked. “It doesn’t taste of anything really” she replied glumly “it’s just slightly bitter. How are we going to get through the damn thing?”. The man looked up and noticed that his wife's lips had turned cherry-red and nicely plump, like a 1920s starlet. “Maybe we don’t have to eat it, we could turn it into some sort of artisanal eco-cosmetics, we'll be rich!” the man suggested.

So, the two set to work in their cellar trying to formulate their product but no matter what they tried, although it still made her lips look beautiful the finished item was always really chalky in texture, and crumbled as soon as it touched the woman's lips. Not only that, but the husband noticed that it seemed to make his wife's breath smell really bad.

Having gone so far though, they decided to persevere and arranged to go on Dragon's Den to market their product. When they made the pitch to Theo, Duncan and company they bounded into the room and shouted...












"Super Collie, Fragile Lipstick, Expect Halitosis!"

 

[IanD]

Well seeing as there's there's trend for long-winded jokes with silly punchlines...

A man and his wife tried for years to grow big vegetables which they could enter in the village fete, but could never manage to get anything bigger than average on their allotment. One day though, the man rushed into the house, thrilled that he'd found an enormous cauliflower growing on their plot. His wife came to look and could barely believe her eyes, the cauliflower was almost 2 metres from top to bottom and just as wide!

Typically though, they’d missed the fete by one week and couldn’t decide what to do with this ginormous vegetable. They decided to cut a piece off to have with their tea, and when it was cooked the woman tasted a bit. “How is it?” the man asked. “It doesn’t taste of anything really” she replied glumly “it’s just slightly bitter. How are we going to get through the damn thing?”. The man looked up and noticed that his wife's lips had turned cherry-red and nicely plump, like a 1920s starlet. “Maybe we don’t have to eat it, we could turn it into some sort of artisanal eco-cosmetics, we'll be rich!” the man suggested.

So, the two set to work in their cellar trying to formulate their product but no matter what they tried, although it still made her lips look beautiful the finished item was always really chalky in texture, and crumbled as soon as it touched the woman's lips. Not only that, but the husband noticed that it seemed to make his wife's breath smell really bad.

Having gone so far though, they decided to persevere and arranged to go on Dragon's Den to market their product. When they made the pitch to Theo, Duncan and company they bounded into the room and shouted...












"Super Collie, Fragile Lipstick, Expect Halitosis!"

One of my favourite silly punchline jokes! I remember a version of it from well before anyone would have known what was meant by "artisanal eco-cosmetics" or "Dragon's Den". I think I heard Barry Cryer tell it when I was about 12.

 

[northwichcat]

True story:

I received what looked like a genuine email asking if I was interested in a British government job. My email provider said the email could not be trusted.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

One of my favourite silly punchline jokes! I remember a version of it from well before anyone would have known what was meant by "artisanal eco-cosmetics" or "Dragon's Den". I think I heard Barry Cryer tell it when I was about 12.

Those were my own embellishments, I couldn't remember the exact story as I'd heard it so had to reconstruct the narrative a little.

 

[Master29]

What`s the difference between a policemans truncheon and a magic wand?
One does cunning stunts and the other is for hitting people over the head.

My fish has been fitted with a new engine. He`s now a motorpike.

What do you call a 7 foot bloke who`s found out you`ve been sleeping with his wife? Sir.

 

[Clip]

Ive been on the hunt for the abomnible snowman for years but I havent seen one yeti

 

[zuriblue]

I used to be a Werewolf but I'm alright noooooaaaaaaaawwwwwwww.

 

[northwichcat]

Nigel Farage today admitted not reading any emails sent to his MEP email address due to only looking in his outbox opposed to his inbox.

 

[Drogba11CFC]

I bumped into my former French teacher yesterday and she asked me what I do now that I've left school.

I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

 

[miami]

I bumped into my former French teacher yesterday and she asked me what I do now that I've left school.

I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.

I still have the near-uncontrollable urge to say "Jai douze ans, J'ai jouer le foot" whenever I attempt to speak french. I never liked playing football

 

[swj99]

Here's a topical one......

If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling....
Then just take a look at the cost of public transport.

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

Question: What is bitter, grumpy, set in its ways and will not take "no" for an answer?

Answer: Me arguing over Newhaven Marine with backontrack

 

[Alex 2901]

I thought that I'd found a loaf of bread with my friends name on it, but sadly, it only said "thick cut"...

I remember once in Year 10, a girl piped up with "Was 1066 the year we won the World Cup", and most of my class (teacher included) broke down laughing!

I was on my bus to school yesterday, and I heard this conversation:

Man 1: Do you think we should be in Iraq?
Man 2: I should bloody hope not! I only paid to go to Wednesfield!

 

[traji00]

Here's a topical one......

If you want to know why the Brits are so good at cycling....
Then just take a look at the cost of public transport.

Haha that's a good one.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Jona26]

Little white packets of sugar are quite common. But the brown ones? Demerara!!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
How did the cheese paint his wife? He double gloucester!!

 

[341o2]

I thought that I'd found a loaf of bread with my friends name on it, but sadly, it only said "thick cut"...

I remember once in Year 10, a girl piped up with "Was 1066 the year we won the World Cup", and most of my class (teacher included) broke down laughing!

I was on my bus to school yesterday, and I heard this conversation:

Man 1: Do you think we should be in Iraq?
Man 2: I should bloody hope not! I only paid to go to Wednesfield!

Mum and child aboard a Blackpool tram. Just had a row and both are sitting in angry silence. She reads the name of the next stop out loud "Little Bispham"

"I'm not a little bispham!"

 

[backontrack]

France were meant to be bossing the midfield at the Euros - but without Lassana Diarra, they Kanté.

They're competing to get the Euro 2016 trophy - worth more than money Cabaye...
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
What is Luke Skywalker's favourite French mountain cheese?

Rebel-ochon.

 

[swj99]

My wife dropped her epilepsy medicine in the washing machine.
Her clothes don't fit anymore.

 

[DaveHarries]

In view of the number of puns recently posted to this thread I will add a contribution:

Jokes about monorails make great one-liners.

Dave

 

[DaveHarries]

BREAKING NEWS: Polish fans have been on the rampage in Nice (France). So far more than 100 cars have been valeted and waxed, 50 boilers repaired and 5 walls built.

Dave

NB: I put this to Facebook and muy Polish friends quite liked it. I am not trying to cause offence to anyone: consider it an appreciation of the Poles' work ethic!

 

[Techniquest]

I've nothing but respect for 'em, they did a grand job of putting up 5 new interior doors some months back. Very impressed I was and I'd have them back to do more work when it becomes required!

Without a doubt my Eastern European friends would also enjoy it, and I did smile when I read it!

 

[DaveHarries]

I've nothing but respect for 'em, they did a grand job of putting up 5 new interior doors some months back. Very impressed I was and I'd have them back to do more work when it becomes required!

Without a doubt my Eastern European friends would also enjoy it, and I did smile when I read it!

Exactly. Whenever I wish to get my car washed I always take it to one of these hand car wash places and I find that, whether the staff are Kurdish (like the one near my workplace) or Polish, the job is always a first-class one.

I don't wish to make this into a political discussion but this is another thing to consider on the 23rd IMO: without us being in the EU I am quite sure that a lot of menial jobs in this country would go unfilled because some of our countrymen are too damn lazy to do the work. I also have a few friends and old schoolmates who are eastern European. I will be voting IN.

Dave

 

[HMS Ark Royal]

A great joke...

Ireland's defence in the Euros

 

[Techniquest]

Exactly. Whenever I wish to get my car washed I always take it to one of these hand car wash places and I find that, whether the staff are Kurdish (like the one near my workplace) or Polish, the job is always a first-class one.

I don't wish to make this into a political discussion but this is another thing to consider on the 23rd IMO: without us being in the EU I am quite sure that a lot of menial jobs in this country would go unfilled because some of our countrymen are too damn lazy to do the work. I also have a few friends and old schoolmates who are eastern European. I will be voting IN.

Dave

I'm away on holiday during the vote, but there are reasons I'd vote either way. Not that I've paid any attention, as I'll be unable to get the vote going on anyway. Totally agreed on the comment on fellow Brits there, but let's leave it at that, I'm not willing to turn this thread into a political one either.

To take us back to topic, I'm nicking one of my favourite jokes/bad puns that a fellow forum member shared on Twitter recently:

Russian Dolls. So full of themselves

Sorry but that still makes me laugh. One from one of my fellow colleagues and bad joke/pun enthusiasts:

[Jar of mint in hand]

You could sell these on eBay, as they're in mint condition

Let's have another one from Friday actually:

[Bags of McCain frozen lightly spiced wedges in hand]

"Come on, wedge 'em in there"

"I like spiced wedges, only lightly of course"

And how about this one:

[Looks at the shelf space for bags of garlic mushrooms]

"I dunno if these will go out, there isn't mushroom"

Sorry, but I am still giggling about that one

 

[DaveHarries]

Seeing as we have had a few food puns here's one from me:

Q: When visiting England, what to nuclear scientist penguins eat?
A: Fission chips.

Dave

 

[Techniquest]

Seeing as we have had a few food puns here's one from me:

Q: When visiting England, what to nuclear scientist penguins eat?
A: Fission chips.

Dave

Brilliant!

What do you call McCain Home Chips when they're not at home?

Away Chips

 

[DaveHarries]

It's a known fact: Indian raitas pen lots on naan-fiction.

Dave