Funny Guard Announcements.

[Geezertronic]

I'd be slightly worried that the Train Driver was more obsessed with making continuous, ridiculous tanny announcements than actually.. ERM driving the train! Wouldn't be surprised if half way through that load of nonsense you heard "oops, s**t, there goes a red light"

There's always one in every village who is devoid of a sense of humour and the award goes to you... you're obviously not a happy bunny are you

 

[Cobob04]

I agree, thankfully, maybe more luck than judgement, no passing of red signals, possibly no red signals anyway.
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Very poor advice to get off at Regent's Park for the zoo... it's a long walk. Camden Town is much closer!

Yes, before you ask... my tongue is firmly in cheek. But it's a useful tip nonetheless.

LOL - yep but Camden town isn't on the Bakerloo. Besides, thinking on distance, Baker Street is closer to the zoo. well at least the bus stop for bus to zoo is.
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Reminds me of the Irish lady on the opening credits of The Tube. Was it her?!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JowTyzuosFw first couple of seconds!

Not sure, it may well have been, same vocals.

 

[cjohnson]

Heard on SWT the other week....

"Any small children alighting at Basingstoke, please ensure you take any parents and grandparents with you when leaving the train."

 

[user15681]

About two weeks ago, on a Friday evening (it was a bank holiday weekend) service from Manchester Piccadilly to Euston, the man in the shop was making announcements encouraging people to start the bank holiday well with a strong drink. We had just left a station and as he finished his announcement he said "please make sure your lap trays are in the upright position, your seat belts are on and you're prepared for take off."

Many laughs ensued.

 

[lukeobrien02]

yesterday southern Brighton to Ashford International after leaving Hastings

just a notice to all those standing in the front coach there are plenty of lonely people with empty seats next to them just waiting to make some friends in the rear coach will you be their friend

got some laughs and the rear coach remained half empty

 

[Stuart-h]

I was on a Virgin service some time ago running from Milton Keynes Central to London Euston. I remember the guard saying something like"If the driver gets to Euston late he's going to get a smack!"

 

[cjohnson]

Heard on SWT last week: "Please do not hold the doors open on my train. If you want to hold doors open, go and get a job as a hotel doorman."

 

[Geargrinder]

Heard on an EMT service last week ; "Ladies and gentlemen, please could you have all tickets, railcards, passes and excuses ready."

 

[Deerfold]

Heard on an EMT service last week ; "Ladies and gentlemen, please could you have all tickets, railcards, passes and excuses ready."

Seems to be a popular one, based on previous postings.

 

[Pilgrim]

Was on a SWT journey a while ago and the voice came over, "Now approaching Guildford but why you want to get off here I shall never know!"

There was also a guard who came over in a deep rasta voice saying "We appolgise for the delay but there is a points failure up ahead so you could say there is no function at the junction"

 

[Southern313]

A certain colleague who shall remain nameless upon arriving at London Bridge with a AM peak finished his announcement with "please mind the gap between the timetable and reality"

All but one found it funny...and he was a manager

 

[dvboy]

"Our next station will be Stourbridge Junction, I mean Smethwick Galton Bridge"

This was on ATW who don't go to SBJ!

 

[rdwarr]

Had a sort of "funny" announcement at Blackfriars this morning. It's a new one.

All trains at this station stop at the far end of the platform in the direction of travel.

In fact no southbound ones do unless they're 12-car.

 

[AlexS]

Probably a ploy to get the lemmings to spread along the platforms and use all the doors, rather than bunching up around one door near the platform entrance and either a) having a scrum to get on or b) being all British and queuing politely to get on 3 minutes after departure time when the other 15 doors on the train are empty.

 

[Qwerty133]

Heard 'please remember to take your umbrellas with you, as it may be raining later in the day' yesterday on an XC service arriving at Leicester.

 

[Deerfold]

Had a sort of "funny" announcement at Blackfriars this morning. It's a new one.

In fact no southbound ones do unless they're 12-car.

The 4 car ones don't stop so far from it - certainly a lot nearer than the back of the platform.

 

[VTPreston_Tez]

Anyone ever heard a guard say "Scream if you want to go faster"? Would be brilliant if anyone had!

 

[CallySleeper]

Week or so ago on XC... Ladies and gents you'll be pleased to know we are arriving at Derby! Then something about no bungie jumping allowed so mind the gap...

 

[asylumxl]

The 4 car ones don't stop so far from it - certainly a lot nearer than the back of the platform.

The 4 and 8 carriage trains stop about 10m max from the exit. I'd definitely say they stop at the far end (in relation to the north entrance).

 

[wijit]

A couple of weeks ago we had "now arriving at Gorton International", it was impossible to detect if it was sarcasm or an observation on the multi-cultural aspect of the area.
Saturday just gone we had "now arriving at Ashburys, home of themassive blue council house, of Man City", then upon arriving at Piccadilly "Now arriving at the thriving metropolis that is Manchester Piccadilly, the best city in the world" I don't recall the list of items he asked us to make sure we had with us, but he had everyone in stitches. What a way to start what was a long day.
**doffs cap**

 

[156441]

A couple of weeks ago we had "now arriving at Gorton International", it was impossible to detect if it was sarcasm or an observation on the multi-cultural aspect of the area.
Saturday just gone we had "now arriving at Ashburys, home of themassive blue council house, of Man City", then upon arriving at Piccadilly "Now arriving at the thriving metropolis that is Manchester Piccadilly, the best city in the world" I don't recall the list of items he asked us to make sure we had with us, but he had everyone in stitches. What a way to start what was a long day.
**doffs cap**

I'd have a guess at. "Wives, children, mother-in-laws, chickens goats,
Lions, tigers and tropical fish! "

 

[Nym]

I'd have a guess at. "Wives, children, mother-in-laws, chickens goats,
Lions, tigers and tropical fish! "

Also, after the lost packages at Bolton, 'Toasters...'?

 

[Starmill]

I'd have a guess at. "Wives, children, mother-in-laws, chickens goats,
Lions, tigers and tropical fish! "

You're a good 'un.

Is it 'William Huskisson MP' by the way!? I'm seeing that unit all the time!

 

[156441]

I'd have a guess at. "Wives, children, mother-in-laws, chickens goats,
Lions, tigers and tropical fish! "

You're a good 'un.

Is it 'William Huskisson MP' by the way!? I'm seeing that unit all the time!

Yes. Apparently he was an idiot as well!!

 

[transportphoto]

Had one reported earlier on Facebook... I believe it to be a Greater Anglia conductor. "If you happen to be travelling on a child ticket, please just take a moment to check your age is under 16."

TP

 

[HonorlessMink]

A couple of times I've had who appears to be the same announcer on Southern Metro services.

One rainy rush hour service to Caterham he politely requested that "any pregnant ladies should be offered seats by those sat down as their children will eventually be paying his pension."

On the approach to East Croydon he said "We are now approaching East Croydon. Change here for services to Brighton and Eastbourne, though, let's face it, it's not exactly beach weather, is it now?"

This was also a few days before a timetable change where he said: "I recommend you all check the new timetable because you don't want to be stood in the rain waiting for your train which will never come."

 

[tsr]

A couple of times I've had who appears to be the same announcer on Southern Metro services.

I think I've had that driver. Is he the same one who apologises profusely for the overcrowding of evening rush-hour services to Caterham and "hopes that all of you have a jolly good evening, anyway"?

 

[HonorlessMink]

I think I've had that driver. Is he the same one who apologises profusely for the overcrowding of evening rush-hour services to Caterham and "hopes that all of you have a jolly good evening, anyway"?

I believe we may be speaking of the same person. The occasions that I have experienced his services it's almost every station where he makes an announcement and wishes everyone a good or pleasant evening.

Shame the drivers in the morning don't seem quite so bouyant

 

[Julia]

Don't know if it's been mentioned before, but it's great to hear someone enjoying their job...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5f3l9YMBFw0

 

[ReverendFozz]

Anyone ever heard a guard say "Scream if you want to go faster"? Would be brilliant if anyone had!

Heard it on the bus years ago, coming from Durham years ago back to Murton where I live, the bus had nearly ground to a halt going over Moorsley Bank, hardly any power going over the bank, when he suddenly sounded like he was an attendant, giving it the old 'scream if you want to go faster' which lightened up peoples moods as it was the last bus home on a Saturday night...A few weeks later the same driver announced to a bus populated mostly by pensioners 'I wont be stopping at the next stop, I have spotted a group of chavs, if I stop long enough, the little scamps will nick the wheels'...

I think I mentioned in this thread before, coming from Berwick, the train had to terminate at Newcastle because, as the guard put it, 'some little ******* put a window out'

Marxista Fozz