I'd like to thank all the contributors to this thread. It has been a most interesting and well balanced discussion about a subject which is not talked about in such detail often, if at all. If I may, I'd like to add my story to the table as I think it's important for those who, god willing, have never and will never experience this to hear about things from the horses mouth, but also as in my case for those who have, I have found it very helpful.
I had my fatality while still undertaking my mainline training. Many hours under my belt, so my trainer and I were relaxed and happy on a lovely sunny summer afternoon. Until, while passing through a busy station at 86mph I saw something it took me a while to comprehend and reason what was happening. I saw someone take three big bounds, then they just kept getting closer and closer. There was that noise that I will never, ever forget. My screen shattered and everything instantly slowed. I could see individual shards of glass. My trainer beat me to the Big Red Button and suddenly everything was going at normal speed again. Train in Emergency. Training had kicked in. There followed a surreal couple of hours until I was sitting in the pub with a responsible adult. I didn't stop talking (or drinking, if I'm honest) for the next two weeks. Two days after the event, I was home alone. Comfortable to be as such. Then something odd happened. Because I had wanted this job so much. Because it had taken so long to start my training. Because my training was taking so long, I realised that I may not be able to continue. And I got angry. Then upset. Then I opened a trapdoor in my head which I had never seen before. Just like the programme, "there was something down there". Scared the sh.. out of me. Really did. Slammed the door shut and vowed never to go there again.
Over then next few weeks I had phone counselling, but if I'm honest, my friends were doing me just as good. They needed some counselling when it was all over tho!! I also took time to read about the gentleman I had met under such unfortunate circumstances. I needed to know who he was. And I found out a lot. And I have full and heartfelt sympathy for him. I've forgiven him. He didn't kill himself, the lack of help for his condition killed him.
Now I know what it's like, I can honestly say I would not wish it on my worst enemy, and I do mean that, it's horrible. But, I think it can make or break you. It's made me. I came into the job knowing it was a 50/50 chance. I did a count up of my Depot Hut since I started and had to stop counting. Over half of us. And that's just drivers. It's been good to hear from the others involved. I've met the man who jetwashes the units clean, and it's truely gruesome. And to hear from people who've opened or had their trapdoor opened for them, thank-you. The whole subject is at once Taboo and Morbidly Facinating. Mental health is not a subject to be taken lightly and should be more openly discussed.
Thanks for reading.
Scoggy