Could ye imagine?...

[Death]

Hail all!
Earlier this evening I was giving some thought to both air and rail travel, and it suddenly hit me: Could ye imagine if the aviation industry had been created by - And operated in the same manner as - The railways? hock:

In answer to my own question, I'm going to have a go at both sides of that coin here. However, I'm also going to put this out to tender and ask everyone to post their own views on how [Insert your everyday industry here] would be like if they were run by the average ATOC member - And also the reverse; How the railways would work if they were run by - For example - Your local supermarket chain? 8)

Farewell for now, and looking forward to seeing other people's take on the idea!
>> Death <<
___________________________________________________________________________ ______________________

If the Aviation industry had been created and operated by British Rail:

• Catching your flight would be easy, with an airport available in every sizable town and city.
• You could buy your ticket online, over the phone, or at the airport immediateley before travel - And get exactly the same fares however and whenever you purchased it.
• Fares would be standardised and easily predictable, with decent discounts available to the young, elderly and disabled.
• The only "Ritual" standing between your arrival at the airport and catching the flight would be the insertion of your ticket into a barrier and walking through.
• If your family or loved ones wanted to see you off at the door to the flight, they'd be able to do so...Using a "Terminal Ticket" for only 10p each.
• You'd never lose items of baggage to mishandling and misdirection because you'd load them on and off of the aircraft yourself.
• Aircraft would arrive at one of four available platforms at the airport...And though you'd have to be careful not to get clipped by the wing when it pulls up, there'd be less chance of you waiting in the wrong place for your flight.
• Most principal airports would have four runways - Two "up" and two "down" - Leading to much more efficient and flexible operation.
• Smaller airports would only have one runway, but it would be reversable. Safety would be assured by having the pilot obtain a "token" and permission to proceed before departing his previous airport.
• Flights during the Autumn would be subject to severe delays due to leaves on the runway,
• Weekend engineering works would close four of Heathrow's six runways, causing numerous diversions and flight replacement bus services to be put on.
• Passengers would be allowed to stand if they so desired, and there wouldn't be such a thing as a "full" flight.
• Passengers would almost certainly have to stand on Virgin Atlantic flights during the weekend.
• Passengers would be allowed to use the lavatory at almost any opportunity, provided the flight wasn't standing in an airport at the time.
• "Turbulance" would only be experienced on Boeing 737-142s.
• The easily understandable signal at the end of the the runway would give you a good indication if the flight was just about to depart or not.
• Although you'd be chinged just as much for on-board catering as on a typical British Airways flight, at least you'd be allowed to bail at Crewe to visit the Tesco's there and continue your journey on a subsequent flight.
• Flights between London and Manchester would be available every twenty minutes in both directions.
• Technological innovation would allow certain high-speed flights to tilt into bends, allowing them to be taken much faster than usual.
• After fifteen minutes of successful and perfect operation, new and innovative designs of vehicle would be scrapped by the Board of Directors because the public "don't like the colour".

If British Rail had been created and operated by the Aviation industry:

• Railway stations would be few in number and located very far from their respective city centres...Sometimes as far as 75 miles away.
• Tickets for all journeys - No matter how short - Would have to be purchased at least six months in advance.
• Passengers would have to arrive at the station at least two hours before departure to allow for exhausive beaurocracy to be carried out.
• Those popping in just to use the station toilets would have to submit to a full security screen beforehand.
• Upon arrival at the station, you'd be directed to a desk with a huge queue where a sullen lady would take your bags, throw them down a 200ft chute, and ask you 50,007 times whether or not you are a terrorist.
• Once you'd got through the palava of checking in for your train and passing through security, you'd find yourself inside an immense hall bursing at the seams with overpriced gift shops and so-called "duty-free" outlets.
• You'd check the screens for the platform number (Or "Gate" number) of your train, eventually finding it on the fifth monitor sandwiched between a 450's ECS move and a 66-hauled Gypsum freight to Southampton docks.
• Once the trains platform gate number is called to board, passengers would find that they had a minimum 3/4 mile walk to get to the gate.
• Stations themselves would be pointlessly huge - Measuring at least 500 x 500 feet in size - And laid out in the most maddening and seemingly pointless manner.
• Entire stations would be served by ONE single line - Handling all passenger, freight and VIP traffic arriving and departing in all directions - And there would be a major public campaign in the locality strongly opposing the installation of a second line.
• Despite the public campaign and opposition of such a second line however, the Government would still grossly abuse their powers and grant consent for installation of that second line anyway, without the blindest bit of regard for public and environmental views! :roll:
• Every incoming and outgoing service would be bought into small sidings leading away from the main line - Referred to as "Gates" in the industry - That would force every single service to reverse back onto the main line again before departure.
• Due to complete pig-headedness in design, every train would have only one driving cab and no reverse gear...Meaning that trains - Needing to back out onto the line to depart - Have to be pushed away from the "gate" using a seriously oversized tow-bar and a shunting loco with huge wheels on it.
• Because of dappy design encountered somewhere along the line, the edge of the "gate" would be located at least 40ft away from the side of the train, meaning that passengers have to use something resembling a giant vacuum cleaner hose to board.
• All seats would face in the same direction, with no tables anwhere and sufficient legroom only for children and those under 5ft in height. The seat in front of you would have the usual two lights embedded in the back of it, with the "No Smoking" light permanently switched on and blinding you throughout the journey.
• Passengers would be required to wear seat-belts during accelleration, decelleration, and when crossing complicated junctions.
• Passengers would only be allowed to use the cramped and smelly on-board lavatory once the "Train Captain" had turned the seatbelt sign off...And after waiting a good 20 minutes in the queue and almost getting there, you'd have to sit down and belt-up again as the train passes through Wellingbrough. hock:
• Psychiatrists would be scratching their heads, trying to figure out how to cure the "fear of Railways".
• Jokes about the quality of BR's catering - Sadly - Wouldn't exist...
• ...But at least whenever the system needed expansion or investment of any kind, the Government would be happy to pile billions of Pounds of public money into said improvements and get them opened on schedule! :roll:

 

[MCR247]

 

[Techniquest]

Genius stuff there!

I would try and do an Asda meets the railway one, but I could here for a while doing it and I've got to prepare for a day out on the HSTs!

 

[mrcheek]

You could also add that if the aviation industry ran the railways, then all stations would be miles outside the town they served.

Instead of Bristol Temple Meads to London Paddington, you would probably have to go from Yatton to Slough

 

[Mojo]

Very good, Death.

A good thought that we, as train passengers don't have to put up with as much as we thought.

Reminds me of something I saw elsewhere:

 

[Death]

I would try and do an Asda meets the railway one, but I could here for a while doing it and I've got to prepare for a day out on the HSTs!

I'd be looking forward to reading that, if ye manage to get it typed up at some point! 8)

You could also add that if the aviation industry ran the railways, then all stations would be miles outside the town they served.
Instead of Bristol Temple Meads to London Paddington, you would probably have to go from Yatton to Slough

That's a good one that I missed! I'll shove that in my OP in a minute!

Reminds me of something I saw elsewhere:

Is that an actual photograph, or is that a photoshop derived from the advert that BHA ran a while ago? Either way though, it made me laugh!

 

[Mojo]

Is that an actual photograph, or is that a photoshop derived from the advert that BHA ran a while ago? Either way though, it made me laugh!

There is a generator to make your own ads on this website: http://ruletheweb.co.uk/b3ta/bus/

 

[me123]

Pushing the airlines to their extremes, let's look at Ryanrail:

• Tickets would be as cheap as a penny. However, you would add a huge amount of tax and surcharges on top of this basic fare
• Their new Glasgow (Stranraer)-London (Temple Meads) service is a hit.
• You require a ticket for each item of luggage, which generally costs more than your own ticket
• And who can forget their luxurious accommodation?

Enjoy your trip.

 

[Death]

Thinking a little further from railways and airlines, I'm going to recycle the old Operating System airlines joke here too and keep us going! 8)

What if Operating Systems were Railways?

• DOS Light Rail:
  Everybody pushes the train until it coasts, then they jump on and let the train roll along until it comes to a stop, then they push again, jump on again, and so on...
  .
• OS/2 Trains:
  The station is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their train has just departed, wishes them a good journey, though there are no trains anywhere about the station. Railway personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful 390's outside the station in the sidings. They tell each passenger how good the real journey will be on these new trains and how much safer it will be than Windows Rail, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the ATP system.
  Once they finally finished you're offered a ticket at reduced cost. To board the train, you have your ticket stamped ten different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether the train should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger aircraft or a bus. If you succeed in getting on the train and the train succeeds in departing the station, you have a wonderful trip...Except for the time when the points and power controller get frozen in top-notch position, in which case you will just have time to say your prayers and get in crash position.
  .
• Windows Rail:
  The station is pretty and colorful, with friendly staff, helpful porters, very accessible platforms, and a smooth move-off. About 10 minutes after departure, the train explodes with no warning and for no apparent reason whatsoever.
  .
• Windows Rail - NT Edition:
  Just like Windows Rail, but costs more, uses much bigger rolling stock, and takes out all other trains within a 400-mile radius when it explodes.
  .
• Mac West Coast:
  All the ticket sellers, revenue protection staff, drivers, guards and station controllers look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told politely but fiirmly that you don't need to know, don't want to know, that everything will be done without you ever having to know, and would you please return to your seat and stare through the unusual apple-shaped window.
  .
• Unix CrossCountry:
  Every passenger brings a piece of the train and a box of tools to the station. They all gather together on the platform road, arguing constantly about what kind of train it is they are supposed to be building and how to put it together. Eventually, they build several different trains, but give them all the same name. Some passengers eventually reach their destinations, but all passengers believe that they got there.
  .
• OS/400 East Coast:
  The TOC has bought the most ancient Mk. IIIs - Arguably some of the best and safest trains that ever ran - And painted "InterCity 2250" on the sides to make them look as if they are fast. The on-train staff, of course, attend to your every need...Though the drinks cost £7.50 a pop. Stupid questions cost £115 per hour...Unless you have SupportLine, which requires a first class ticket and membership to the frequent traveller club. Then they cost £210, but your accounting department can call it overhead.
  .
• Mach and Wear Metro:
  There is no train. The passengers gather and shout for a train, then wait and wait and wait and wait. A bunch of people come, each carrying one piece of the train with them. These people all go onto the line and put the train together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of train they're building. The train finally departs, leaving the passengers standing on the platform waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. After the train arrives at it's destination, the driver telephones the passengers at the departing station to inform them that they have arrived.
  .
• Newton North:
  After buying your ticket 18 months in advance, you finally get to board the train. Upon boarding the train you are asked your name. After 6 times, the guard recognizes your name and then you are allowed to take your seat. As you are getting ready to take your seat, the buffet steward announces that you have to repeat the boarding process because they are out of room and need to recount to make sure they can take more passengers.
  .
• VMScotRail:
  The passengers all gather in the engine shed, watching hundreds of technicians check the operational systems on this immense, luxury train. This train has at least 10 Paxman Valentas and seats over 1,000 passengers. All the passengers scramble aboard, as does the necessary complement of 200 technicians. The driver takes his place up in the glass cab. He guns the Valentas, only to then realise that the train is too damn big to get through the engine shed doors!
  .
• BeOS TransPennine:
  You have to pay for the tickets, but they're half the price of Windows Rail, and if you are a railway mechanic you can probably travel for free. It only takes 15 minutes to get to the station and you are chaufferred there in a limousine. BeOS TransPennine only has limited types of trains that only only hold new luggage. All trains are single seaters and the model names all start with a "142" (142014, 142015, 142016, 142018, etc.). The train will drive you to your destination on ATO in half the time of other railways or you can drive the train yourself. There are limited destinations, but they are only places you'd want to go to anyway. You tell all your friends how great BeOS TransPennine is and all they say is "What do you mean I can't bring all my old baggage with me?"
  .
• Linux and Shropshire:
  Disgruntled employees of all the other OS rail companies got together and decided to start their own company. They build the trains, ticket offices, and lay the railway lines themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the train, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench, and a copy of the Seat_HowTo.html. Once installed, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable. The train leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, and the complimentary at-seat meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other train companies about your great trip, but all they can say is "You had to do WHAT with the seat?"

 

[generalvegitable]

that last one is true, with linux you tell your mates about it and they are always like woah woah, you had to do what when you installed it?

 

[asylumxl]

No clues to your preferred OS! Linux for the win!

 

[generalvegitable]

linux is the better system (do NOT use Ubuntu 9.04, its not very good)

 

[asylumxl]

Here's my attempt at humour.

If Phone Manufacturers Made Trains...

Nokia
Multiple different trains would be built on an old but reliable platform, with the interiors refurbished and engines upgraded to meet current needs. They'd all be the same internally, but a nicer shell would cost 40% more.

Samsung
Good looking trains, but rather bland inside and hard to customise. They would also have reflective windows nobody can see out of, including the driver..

Sony Ericsson

Loud and obnoxious looking trains, with no motors. Motor sounds would be played out of speakers located on front driver cab, operated by a Guard dressed in fake Burberry.

LG

LG would build trains with great innovative designs, would deliver late and only build half a train before becoming preoccupied with the next order.

Any more?

 

[Death]

No clues to your preferred OS! Linux for the win!

Actually, I have to confess to being a Losedows user...Mainly because - Even though Linux is a far superior and more reliable OS in my opinion - I can never get along with it at the system level nearly as well as I can with 'Doze, and my productivity takes a serious knock as a result! hock::roll:ad:

On the bright side though, I suppose I'm at least aware that the OS I use is an inferior one! 8)

Sony Ericsson
Loud and obnoxious looking trains, with no motors. Motor sounds would be played out of speakers located on front driver cab, operated by a Guard dressed in fake Burberry.

Oh dear Gods! I'll give ye three guesses as to which poster in this thread uses a W200i... hock:
(Actually, ye might be interested in This that I just dug out of Google! )

That's a bloody good one that ye've posted there though, and it made me chuckle! I doubt I can make a contribution half as good as that, but I'll have a go anyway...

Motorola:
Despite having been in business for many years, Motorola's latest offerings have been somewhat lacklustre in nature...With several designs of train that are all very plain, all very bland, and all look identical to each other from the inside. However, enthusiasts still highly appreciate their older models that - Though a lot larger and less efficient than todays - Offered far superior performance, outperformed almost every other train available at the time, and (Best of all) were the only trains in history to have been tested, proven and certified as 100% crash-proof! 8)

British Telecom:
Even though science and technology have progressed immensely over the past fourty years, BT still insist on building trains that can only run on the positively ancient two-rail systems of the PSTN - The Public Standardised Train Network. The mere word "flexibility" does not exist in any sense, and the frequent occurrence of dropped services and bad connections has driven customers in droves to use other train companies for their journeys.
As if the above wasn't bad enough, BT's lame attempt to win back passengers took the form of a new uniform for their drivers; A large yellow bird suit with the word "Buzby" emblazoned across the front. Understandably, the Unions wern't too pleased about this either...And consequently, BT's shareholders were the ones to eventually "get the bird"...

 

[asylumxl]

Apple iphone
Builders of generic commuter trains for small borgeouise towns. All trains carry the same corporate livery, and are branded as luxury. As such, passengers are of the belief they are the envy of others, but everyone outside thinks they're tw*ts.

HTC
Builders of a variety of trains. Generally come in two forms, one with windows branded "Windows Mobile" and one with no windows "Android". Windows models prone to crashing, and beyond new livery, they are seriously outdated.

 

[90019]

Oh dear Gods! I'll give ye three guesses as to which poster in this thread uses a W200i... hock:

Ha, W300i

It doesn't really work anymore though

 

[Death]

Apple iphone
Builders of generic commuter trains for small borgeouise towns. All trains carry the same corporate livery, and are branded as luxury. As such, passengers are of the belief they are the envy of others, but everyone outside thinks they're tw*ts.

I fully agree with that sentiment, or at least insofar as it applies to classic "Yuppie" iPhail users! Reputation++

Ha, W300i

Nope...Two guesses remain!

 

[90019]

I fully agree with that sentiment, or at least insofar as it applies to classic "Yuppie" iPhail users! Reputation++
Nope...Two guesses remain!

I mean that I have a W300i
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

Apple iphone
Builders of generic commuter trains for small borgeouise towns. All trains carry the same corporate livery, and are branded as luxury. As such, passengers are of the belief they are the envy of others, but everyone outside thinks they're tw*ts.

And there's apps for doing loads of things you never really need to and most you probably wont use once the novelty wears off

 

[Death]

I mean that I have a W300i

Aye...And what I was trying to imply was that my 'phone is one of those "Chavvy" Erricsson W200i's! hock::razz:

And there's apps for doing loads of things you never really need to and most you probably wont use once the novelty wears off

Some of the applications (Like the spirit level featured in the iMoan ads) do look useful, I must admit...But I don't need an iPhone to enjoy apps and games! 8)

As it is, my W200's got a damn good little Java VM built into it (Thy 300i should have the same as well! ) and with that I can run any Java-based application of my choice, provided my phone has more RAM and CPU capacity than the program needs at full thrash!

Best of all though - As Java is an open technology - I can develop my own applications for mine and others phones and other Java devices without having to obtain any kind of "certification" or "licence" from Sun (Or anyone else) beforehand...Indeed, all I need is a Java compiler and I'm set!

 

[asylumxl]

Yeh. Apple require certification on all applications for their iPhone. Also they banned certain kinds of apps, mainly anything that replaces their default iPhone apps, such as Safari.

I use Symbian personally on a Nokia. I think it's the most utilitarian phone OS.

 

[90019]

Some of the applications (Like the spirit level featured in the iMoan ads)

Tbh, I think I'd rather have a real spirit level, or borrow one from someone. It's likely to be more accurate too

 

[dan_atki]

Couldn't resist this, so here's my attempt :razz:.

The other way around... if train companies made mobile phones:

Types: There would be two types of phone - those with low quality transmission, and those with high quality transmission. Although high quality transmission is not available in all areas, it is more expensive and offers superior calling quality and (depending on provider) a free text message.

Queues: You'd be stuck in the shop for ages trying to buy the thing in the first place, when it gets to your turn you discover there is another phone slightly cheaper which doesn't allow calls between 0100 and 0400. Although, if you are still in a call at 0100, you may complete that call but with no break in transmission.

Machines: Machines are available at most Phones4u branches. They show you a list of phones but offer no description of what each one does or when it can be used. Consequently, many people feel as though they are ripped off by these machines.

Handsets: Each company will offer handsets in a variety of colours matching their corporate image. Some handsets have negative opinion with customers, but sometimes they need to purchase that particular one as it is the only one that will transmit the call to where they wish.

Pricing: Buying a phone several weeks before you need to actually use it is much cheaper but restricts you to calling at certain times which will be detailed to you. Alternatively, if you turn up in your local Phones4u at 1200 on a Saturday afternoon wanting to purchase a telephone for immediate use you will be offered full price handsets only due to the peak nature of the weekends.

Miss-calling: The good ol' art of miss-calling somebody would not be allowed under the regulations showing which calls are permitted. This constitutes doubling back through the network and is strictly forbidden unless an easement applying to your area specifically says you can do so.

Single use: You would only be permitted to make one phone call on your phone before it must be replaced by a new phone. Old phones may be kept but must not be used. Although, if you are in a location where you have to be supervised whilst finishing the call then you must hand it over to an authorised offical. If you require it as proof of purchase, they will remove the sim card and battery from it, forbidding further use.

No shop in your town? Not to worry, you can use a new style phone box that prints out a receipt. Taking this to your local store will give you the amount off a new phone.

Split: Calling your aunt via your cousin may be cheaper than calling your aunt direct. Enquire for details.

Break of transmission: Some phones allow you to break off your call before it has reached its conclusion. You may resume the call before the expiry date as printed on the manual, or upto 0230 the day after. If you are still involved in a call at this time you may not break it ant more and the call must be complete by 1200 the next day.

Loyalty Cards: Do you make lots of calls? The £26 loyalty card from your local store will allow you to get a third off most phone prices for a year. Some phones are excluded, and minimum costs may apply - please enquire for details.

Calls: Sometimes the call will fail completely or not connect, and it will be an hour before you can try again. The reason the call will fail/not connect will be explained to you by an automated voice.

Delays in transmission: Sometimes it will take a while for a call to be answered. The same automated voice will tell you how long it will approximately be before the call will be answered.

Guards: Authorised people may sometimes come along whilst you are talking and you must show them that your phone is valid for that call. They may, in extreme circumstances, have to check the phone retail manual to check validity. If your phone is found to be invalid you will have to purchase one that enables you to call at that time.

Times: You may only make calls at specified times as shown in the phone timetable. Times differ in localities and are different depending on where you are calling. Some localities have infrequent services and, as such, cannot make calls very frequently.

Connection interlock: You must attempt to connect the call at one minute before the time shown in the timetable, after this the connection will be aborted and you will have to wait for the next connection as shown in the timetable. If you purchased your phone in advance, you will need to purchase a new one.

 

[asylumxl]

Ha, W300i

It doesn't really work anymore though

There is no way anyone could insult 90019... Unless they called him English lol

 

[90019]

There is no way anyone could insult 90019... Unless they called him English lol

Nooo!
My one weakness! hock:

 

[Mojo]

Couldn't resist this, so here's my attempt :razz:.

The other way around... if train companies made mobile phones

Very good

I wish I could come up with some now!