That must have been a little while ago!
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RailUK Forums
PG
Established Member
Maybe it's an old joke
Or maybe Simon Yourownsize?
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
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- 1,565
Stolen from another forum:
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length. Do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) of the all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust. This can be readily applied at the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 500-feet (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly stenciled at each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly stenciled in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not is a short pipe or long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6-feet (1.8m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” clearly stenciled on the outside so the contractor will not mistake is for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts or other fasteners and must be separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90-degree or 30-degree elbows, be sure to specify left hand-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All thread couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the two. Otherwise, as the couplings are being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed form the other.
13. All pipe shorter than 1/8” (3mm) are very uneconomical in use requiring many joints. They are generally referred to as washers.
14. Joints in pipe for piping water must be watertight. Those for compressed air however need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipe may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes however.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipe. These include; conduit, tubing, tunnel, and drains. Use only genuine pipe.
17. Scottish regiments in the Army use Army pipe in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length. Do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (inside diameter) of the all pipe must not exceed the OD (outside diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe should be supplied without rust. This can be readily applied at the job site. NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 500-feet (150m) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly stenciled at each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly stenciled in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not is a short pipe or long pipe.
8. All pipe over 6-feet (1.8m) in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” clearly stenciled on the outside so the contractor will not mistake is for a small pipe.
9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts or other fasteners and must be separate from the big hole in the middle.
10. When ordering 90-degree or 30-degree elbows, be sure to specify left hand-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All thread couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the two. Otherwise, as the couplings are being screwed on one pipe, it is being unscrewed form the other.
13. All pipe shorter than 1/8” (3mm) are very uneconomical in use requiring many joints. They are generally referred to as washers.
14. Joints in pipe for piping water must be watertight. Those for compressed air however need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipe may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or terra-cotta pipes however.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipe. These include; conduit, tubing, tunnel, and drains. Use only genuine pipe.
17. Scottish regiments in the Army use Army pipe in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.
trainophile
Established Member
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
- Messages
- 1,565
I prefer No. 17! 
LSWR Cavalier
Established Member
I applied to work at Trumptonshire Trains, I was invited to a medical examination.
'Goodness, is that my IQ, 190?' I gasped.
'No, sadly that is your blood pressure', explained the doctor
'Goodness, is that my IQ, 190?' I gasped.
'No, sadly that is your blood pressure', explained the doctor
A British company was seeking to set up a profitable deal, involving co-operation with one in a certain Central European country. The company's vice-chairman and its credit manager, went out to Prague in hopes of coming to a mutually satisfactory agreement with said hoped-for partner company. As part of the hospitality to the British visitors, their hosts invited them to take part (this was presumably, quite a long time ago) in a bear-hunt in the countryside.
The hunt duly took place: regrettably, things went badly wrong when the president of the local "home" company had the good fortune to shoot and kill a fine bear; and the bad fortune that the bear's mate immediately came out of hiding, enraged at its loss -- before anyone could take any action, it seized the company president, mauled him to death, and started eating him. The hunting party quickly retreated in disarray and terror, and hurried back to Prague.
Steps obviously had to be taken: a rogue bear out there, likely to develop a taste for human flesh, was unacceptable. At the inquest, the problem arose as to the respective genders of the bear couple: which one had been shot, and which had avenged its mate? (The difference mattered, because hunting down and killing one of these creatures tends to work differently, depending on its gender.) The members of the hunting party admitted that they couldn't help there; except for the credit manager, who said that although he was no zoologist: he had a very strong impression that the she-bear had been shot, and it was the he-bear that had taken revenge by killing and eating the company president. With this being reckoned as the best info which was available -- an expedition was mounted to dispatch the surviving one of the pair: the remaining members of the original hunting party, plus a squad of game wardens and police, all armed to the teeth. They left Prague, for the site of the unhappy incident -- very shortly after their arriving there, the furious bereft bear emerged from its den, and seeing this fresh bunch of hateful humans, charged straight at them with slaughter in mind. The guys with guns opened fire and riddled the bear with bullets. Inspection of the carcass revealed that in fact, it was the female of the pair; the one killed on the first trip, had been "Mr. Bear".
Which just goes to show: you should never believe a credit manager when he says that the cheque (Czech) is in the mail (male).
The hunt duly took place: regrettably, things went badly wrong when the president of the local "home" company had the good fortune to shoot and kill a fine bear; and the bad fortune that the bear's mate immediately came out of hiding, enraged at its loss -- before anyone could take any action, it seized the company president, mauled him to death, and started eating him. The hunting party quickly retreated in disarray and terror, and hurried back to Prague.
Steps obviously had to be taken: a rogue bear out there, likely to develop a taste for human flesh, was unacceptable. At the inquest, the problem arose as to the respective genders of the bear couple: which one had been shot, and which had avenged its mate? (The difference mattered, because hunting down and killing one of these creatures tends to work differently, depending on its gender.) The members of the hunting party admitted that they couldn't help there; except for the credit manager, who said that although he was no zoologist: he had a very strong impression that the she-bear had been shot, and it was the he-bear that had taken revenge by killing and eating the company president. With this being reckoned as the best info which was available -- an expedition was mounted to dispatch the surviving one of the pair: the remaining members of the original hunting party, plus a squad of game wardens and police, all armed to the teeth. They left Prague, for the site of the unhappy incident -- very shortly after their arriving there, the furious bereft bear emerged from its den, and seeing this fresh bunch of hateful humans, charged straight at them with slaughter in mind. The guys with guns opened fire and riddled the bear with bullets. Inspection of the carcass revealed that in fact, it was the female of the pair; the one killed on the first trip, had been "Mr. Bear".
Which just goes to show: you should never believe a credit manager when he says that the cheque (Czech) is in the mail (male).
Last edited:
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
If Half Man Half Biscuit are to be believed, there's a good explanation for why drivers for that particular TOC might have high blood pressure... their intoxication screening leaves a lot to be desired!
LSWR Cavalier
Established Member
.. Indeed, I thought the lower figure (70) was the other blood pressure, but the doc explained: 'THAT is your IQ!'
..
In Grandads Army: a German spy barks: 'what is your name?'
'Don't tell him, PIKE!', shouted Captain Mainwaring
..
In Grandads Army: a German spy barks: 'what is your name?'
'Don't tell him, PIKE!', shouted Captain Mainwaring
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
- Messages
- 1,565
Ah, yes ... in fact a German U-Boat captain, played by Philip Madoc.
REVUpminster
Member
He who laughs last has found someone else to blame.
43096
On Moderation
- Joined
- 23 Nov 2015
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- 15,298
Breaking - Jurgen Klopp has left Liverpool to take up a position with the UK Bobsleigh Team. Team GB announced they were excited to take on a coach who could take a team downhill so quickly.
No, he was too busy eating pizza!
DerekC
Established Member
Guy walks into a pub holding a parrot in a cage. Puts it down on the bar and orders a pint. Says to the company "A fiver says his parrot can quote any mathematical theorem and recite any speech from Shakespeare." Several people take him on. Parrot successfully quotes Pythagoras' theorem, Appolonius' theorem, speeches from Hamlet, King Lear. Guy says "look, I need to cash this parrot in because I need to repay a loan shark tonight. What will anyone give me for him?". After a brisk round of bidding the parrot goes to a new owner for £100.
Next day the new owner goes into a different pub and says to the company "A fiver says his parrot can quote any mathematical theorem and recite any speech from Shakespeare.". Several people take on the challenge. First punter says "recite Pythagoras theorem". Parrot just squawks. Second punter says "Give me the "To be or not to be" speech from Hamlet. Parrot just squawks. After this has gone on for long enough new owner takes parrot home, bangs the cage down on the table and says "What the f***'s this, parrot, you just cost me thirty quid!"
Parrot says "Ah, but think of the odds you'll get next time!"
Next day the new owner goes into a different pub and says to the company "A fiver says his parrot can quote any mathematical theorem and recite any speech from Shakespeare.". Several people take on the challenge. First punter says "recite Pythagoras theorem". Parrot just squawks. Second punter says "Give me the "To be or not to be" speech from Hamlet. Parrot just squawks. After this has gone on for long enough new owner takes parrot home, bangs the cage down on the table and says "What the f***'s this, parrot, you just cost me thirty quid!"
Parrot says "Ah, but think of the odds you'll get next time!"
scotrail158713
Established Member
If you’re going skydiving and your parachute fails to open correctly don’t worry - you’ve got the rest of your life to sort it.
I'd hope that said skydiver had somewhat less than the rest of their life to fix it
Railcar
Member
- Joined
- 27 Nov 2017
- Messages
- 228
Dai Griffith loved climbing mountains. He’d climbed Everest in far-off Nepal, he’d been to Japan and climbed Mount Fuji, he’d visited Africa just to climb Mount Kilimanjaro, but the mountains he loved best were those in his native Wales. Not just Snowdonia, but the Brecon Beacons and the Black Mountains, which is where this story begins.
Although an experienced mountaineer, Dai was inclined to overestimate his strength and stamina. On the January day when this tale unfolds, he had begun his trek at six o’clock in the morning before the sun was up. All day he toiled over the Black Mountains, scarcely stopping to eat or drink. By five o’clock in the afternoon he was exhausted and needed to stop and rest.
As he toiled over a mountain-top he saw, far below in the valley, a stone cottage with smoke coming from the chimney. In the dusk, lights twinkled. A walled garden surrounded the cottage. Wearily he tramped down the hillside, over rocks and through streams and past sheep barely visible in the gloom.
Fixed to the wall of the cottage was a sign that said ‘Bed & Breakfast’.
‘Thank goodness,’ he thought and trudged up to the door in front of him.
He knocked and the door opened. A little girl of about eight years old stood there. The room behind her was in darkness.
‘Hello,’ he said, ‘Is your father in?’
’No,’ she said, ‘No, he’s not in, and if he was in, I wouldn’t be in.’
‘That’s odd,’ he thought, but not willing to give up he said ‘Well, is your mother in?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘She’s not in and if she was in, I wouldn’t be in and my father wouldn’t be in.’
Dai was dropping from fatigue by now but he needed a place to rest for the night, so he asked ‘Do you have a brother?’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I have a brother.’
‘Well, is he in?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘He’s not in and if he was in, I wouldn’t be in and my father wouldn’t be in and my mother wouldn’t be in.’
Determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, Dai wearily said ‘Do you have a sister?’
‘Yes,’ said the little girl, I have a sister.’
‘Well, is she in?’
‘No.’ came the reply, ‘She’s not in and if she was in, I wouldn’t be in and my father wouldn’t be in and my mother wouldn’t be in and my brother wouldn’t be in.’
‘This is a crazy house!’ he cried.
‘No,’ she said, ‘This is the toilet.’
Although an experienced mountaineer, Dai was inclined to overestimate his strength and stamina. On the January day when this tale unfolds, he had begun his trek at six o’clock in the morning before the sun was up. All day he toiled over the Black Mountains, scarcely stopping to eat or drink. By five o’clock in the afternoon he was exhausted and needed to stop and rest.
As he toiled over a mountain-top he saw, far below in the valley, a stone cottage with smoke coming from the chimney. In the dusk, lights twinkled. A walled garden surrounded the cottage. Wearily he tramped down the hillside, over rocks and through streams and past sheep barely visible in the gloom.
Fixed to the wall of the cottage was a sign that said ‘Bed & Breakfast’.
‘Thank goodness,’ he thought and trudged up to the door in front of him.
He knocked and the door opened. A little girl of about eight years old stood there. The room behind her was in darkness.
‘Hello,’ he said, ‘Is your father in?’
’No,’ she said, ‘No, he’s not in, and if he was in, I wouldn’t be in.’
‘That’s odd,’ he thought, but not willing to give up he said ‘Well, is your mother in?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘She’s not in and if she was in, I wouldn’t be in and my father wouldn’t be in.’
Dai was dropping from fatigue by now but he needed a place to rest for the night, so he asked ‘Do you have a brother?’
‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I have a brother.’
‘Well, is he in?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘He’s not in and if he was in, I wouldn’t be in and my father wouldn’t be in and my mother wouldn’t be in.’
Determined to get to the bottom of this mystery, Dai wearily said ‘Do you have a sister?’
‘Yes,’ said the little girl, I have a sister.’
‘Well, is she in?’
‘No.’ came the reply, ‘She’s not in and if she was in, I wouldn’t be in and my father wouldn’t be in and my mother wouldn’t be in and my brother wouldn’t be in.’
‘This is a crazy house!’ he cried.
‘No,’ she said, ‘This is the toilet.’
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
PG
Established Member
Room for an enterprising manufacturer to offer a money back guarantee
REVUpminster
Member
I bought a smoke alarm; the wife uses it as a cooking aid.
On-line newspaper 'Comments' pages can provide some amusing exchanges. In yesterday's Telegraph, there was quite a technical article on the problems facing the European Central Bank:
Colin
Can anyone in just a few Beano like sentences, tell me what is happening?
Neil
Lord Snooty is printing wads of fivers at his dad's print works, causing inflation at the tuck shop and rendering Dennis the Menace's pocket money worthless. With luck, Dennis will realise he's getting robbed and give Snooty a jolly good thrashing while Gnasher eats his lunch.
Colin
Can anyone in just a few Beano like sentences, tell me what is happening?
Neil
Lord Snooty is printing wads of fivers at his dad's print works, causing inflation at the tuck shop and rendering Dennis the Menace's pocket money worthless. With luck, Dennis will realise he's getting robbed and give Snooty a jolly good thrashing while Gnasher eats his lunch.
DaveHarries
Established Member
Sign outside a Karate club:
"For members' cars only - all other cars will be broken in half."
Dave
"For members' cars only - all other cars will be broken in half."
Dave
I'm very lazy, my smoke alarm has a snooze button.
Jamesrob637
Established Member
- Joined
- 12 Aug 2016
- Messages
- 5,242
The biggest joke with my smoke alarm is that the battery has gone.
Now I wish my smoke alarm would be connected to the mains.
My local butcher has a sign on the gate next to the shop:
"No parking. Unauthorised vehicles will be minced."
REVUpminster
Member
My local butcher's is called Grayson's (Larry or Perry)
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