REVUpminster
Member
How many EU commissioners does it take to change a light bulb.
Nobody knows; they're too busy suing the manufacturer of the defective bulb.
Nobody knows; they're too busy suing the manufacturer of the defective bulb.
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py_megapixel
Established Member
How many British ministers and civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Eleven: one to determine that the bulb needs replacing; one to send out the invitation to tender for the supply of the replacement bulb; one to examine the bids and select the appropriate one; one to lobby the person responsible for selecting the winning bid to choose the company they are friends with the director of; one to call out the person lobbying to the public; one to fire the person lobbying; one to complete a risk assessment for the replacement of the light bulb; one to verify that the risk assessment was completed correctly; one to attempt to change the bulb and mess it up beyond belief; one to fire the person who messed it up; and finally, one to actually change the damn bulb.
GusB
Established Member
You missed one out - the person who says "that is a very courageous decision, Minister"
scotrail158713
Established Member
And in a lift
GusB
Established Member
How many brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The lightbulb has not yet arrived in the UK as a result of not having the correct paperwork and we don't want those naff foreign-made bulbs anyway. We'll make do with candles until Mr Dyson invents the super-duper Great British Lightbulb. Darkness means darkness
None. The lightbulb has not yet arrived in the UK as a result of not having the correct paperwork and we don't want those naff foreign-made bulbs anyway. We'll make do with candles until Mr Dyson invents the super-duper Great British Lightbulb. Darkness means darkness
Journeyman
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Do not feed the troll.
Loppylugs
Member
I'd like to be a lightbulb in Taylor Swift's house. She could turn me on and give me full filament every time.
Journeyman
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Two sausages, a rasher of bacon, an egg and a hash brown walk into a bar.
The barman says, "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."
The barman says, "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here."
I'm so ignorant and not tuned-in to pop culture: that I think "taylor swift" is the name of an exotic tropical bird species, which meticulously and beautifully sews out of leaves, a nest for its eggs...
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
krus_aragon
Established Member
I think @daveo was the victim of joke theft...Already posted (#1440).
HST274
Member
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No idea!!!
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs.
Still no idea!!!!!!!
No idea!!!
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs.
Still no idea!!!!!!!
Journeyman
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In a similar vein, what do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a bear with no ear?
B.
Selective amnesia ... sorry!
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
Apparently the BBC are going to reboot a classic sitcom from the 1970s which starred Michael Crawford... however in order to connect with the modern youth of today it'll be called "Some Mothers Do Of 'em".
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
Inexperienced young trainspotter after his first visit to Liverpool Street station: "Alexa, tell me about the Renatus programme".
Computer: "René Artois was the main character in a BBC sitcom..."
Computer: "René Artois was the main character in a BBC sitcom..."
LOL The Irony
On Moderation
I assume Alexa only wanted to say it once
Peter Mugridge
Veteran Member
Yes, and he had to listen very carefully. Not easy when still half asleep at that time in the moaning...
LOL The Irony
On Moderation
It is I, Alexa...
PG
Established Member
Did the trainspotter tell Alexa that she was a stupid woman...
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Jamesrob637
Established Member
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Alexa probably interprets Good Moaning as something rather different from what 'Allo 'Allo intended for it to be!
Amazon Alexa - Wikipedia
This link should give you all the info you require on Amazon's Alexa product.
No problem, they have a bit of a reputation for 'spying' on people, or listening into conversations. Some of the stories maybe true....
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art."
All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
ABB125
Established Member
I have no idea if this has been told before in this thread, but I'll write it anyway!
(Spanish accent) "I once met two Spanish firemen. They were called Hose A and Hose B"
(Spanish accent) "I once met two Spanish firemen. They were called Hose A and Hose B"
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