krus_aragon
Established Member
Which Israeli Prime Minister doesn't appear in online web searches?
Benjamin Not-on-Yahoo
Benjamin Not-on-Yahoo
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No no, he's got a point.
Onto my owns jokes, all revolving around Hyperloop:
- Hyperloop is just a pipe dream.
- You know why it's called Hyperloop? Because it's all about HYPE!
- Want to see the proof that blackholes are real? Just look at what happens to all the money spent on Hyperloop.
- Want to know where the fans went from the original Hyperloop concept? They are now called the main stream media.
- Hyperloop only works in a vacuum (double entendre).
scotrail158713
Established Member
I went to the shop meaning to buy 6 cans of Sprite today but when I got back I realised I’d picked 7 up
LSWR Cavalier
Established Member
Little Amanda: "Johnny, did you know that girls are cleverer than boys?"
"No, I did not know that"
"Must be true, then! And do you know how to arouse someone's curiosity, interest?"
"No, please tell!"
"I shall tell you tomorrow"
"No, I did not know that"
"Must be true, then! And do you know how to arouse someone's curiosity, interest?"
"No, please tell!"
"I shall tell you tomorrow"
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
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On a similar vein .....
"How do you keep an idiot in suspense?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow!"
"How do you keep an idiot in suspense?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow!"
Tracked
Established Member
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint, "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town, the ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint, "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town, the ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. "with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ...... "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!"
brad465
Established Member
Classic Have I got news for you here:
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REVUpminster
Member
Horse comes into a bar run by a Donkey.
Horse: Pint please, I am a race horse.
Donkey: Have you ever won anything the donkey says sarcastically.
Horse: I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived. I won every flat race including The Derby and then the over the sticks The Grand National.
Donkey: You must come over for dinner tomorrow.
The donkey feels very envious and puts a picture of a Zebra on the wall.
The horse comes round the next day "Who's that in the picture?"
Donkey: That's me when I played for Newcastle United!
automerge]1623390278[/automerge
Why do care homes give men Viagra every night and place them on their sides.
It stops them falling out of bed.
Horse: Pint please, I am a race horse.
Donkey: Have you ever won anything the donkey says sarcastically.
Horse: I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived. I won every flat race including The Derby and then the over the sticks The Grand National.
Donkey: You must come over for dinner tomorrow.
The donkey feels very envious and puts a picture of a Zebra on the wall.
The horse comes round the next day "Who's that in the picture?"
Donkey: That's me when I played for Newcastle United!
automerge]1623390278[/automerge
Why do care homes give men Viagra every night and place them on their sides.
It stops them falling out of bed.
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341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,907
the good old graffiti classics such as
Come home to a real fire - at a Welsh holiday cottage
You can do it in a MG - Don't bore us with your Triumphs
Come home to a real fire - at a Welsh holiday cottage
You can do it in a MG - Don't bore us with your Triumphs
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
See also the sign outside a church in Glasgow: "Jesus Saves"...
And sprayed underneath "but McCoist scores the rebound"
The Yelp review left by the horse: "The beer was nice, but the bartender was a bit of an ass"
REVUpminster
Member
Couple go into expensive restaurant.
Maitre De "we are extremely busy, can you wait for half an hour?"
Couple "that's ok"
Maitre De " Thanks, these are the plates for table two and four."
Maitre De "we are extremely busy, can you wait for half an hour?"
Couple "that's ok"
Maitre De " Thanks, these are the plates for table two and four."
And -- in large letters on a wall in a a particularly dismal part of Belfast, at the height of the Troubles: "NO POPE HERE".
In smaller letters underneath: "Lucky old Pope".
Took me perhaps a minute to "get" this one; I can be a bit slow. Well worth the pondering -- quite splendid !
61653 HTAFC
Veteran Member
A wealthy businessman is close to his father, who is getting older and struggling on his own, so he chats to his dad about the possibility of going into a care home. Being rich, he finds the fanciest and most luxurious place available so his dad will be looked after. At his first meal, the dad is sat in the dining room with the finest food being served, even a small glass of wine. After a few minutes, the old man starts to lean over to one side and straight away a nurse rushes over to keep him upright. A few minutes later he starts to lean the other way, and another nurse rushes to straighten him...
At the weekend, the son comes to visit and asks his dad how he's settling in. The old man says "well, the bed is comfortable, the food is amazing, and the staff are very attentive... but there is one problem... they won't let me fart!"
At the weekend, the son comes to visit and asks his dad how he's settling in. The old man says "well, the bed is comfortable, the food is amazing, and the staff are very attentive... but there is one problem... they won't let me fart!"
krus_aragon
Established Member
The former had an outing on "Not the 9 o'clock News" , as I recall.
90019
Established Member
I always get nostalgic putting my car into reverse.
It really takes me back.
It really takes me back.
REVUpminster
Member
When I was a teenager I wanted a hairy chest like Sean Connery so I made a pact with the Devil.
He said no problem just pull on the little hairs on your chest and you'll soon have a hairy chest just like Sean Connery's.
What he didn't tell me was that I was pulling the hairs on my chest that were the roots of my head hair and now I am as bald as Sean Connery.
He said no problem just pull on the little hairs on your chest and you'll soon have a hairy chest just like Sean Connery's.
What he didn't tell me was that I was pulling the hairs on my chest that were the roots of my head hair and now I am as bald as Sean Connery.
scotrail158713
Established Member
"Do not touch" is one of the worst things to read in braille
Rather irreligious one, brought to mind by the current Matt Hancock thread on "General Discussion" -- Moses comes down from Mount Sinai and addresses the Children of Israel: "Now, you lot -- which do you want first; the good news, or the bad news?"
"Let's have the good news first."
"OK -- I managed to beat Him down to just ten. As for the bad news: Adultery is in".
"Let's have the good news first."
"OK -- I managed to beat Him down to just ten. As for the bad news: Adultery is in".
py_megapixel
Established Member
What's the difference between a Pendolino and an IET?
On one of them, but not the other, the pronounced movement from side to side is intentional.
On one of them, but not the other, the pronounced movement from side to side is intentional.
Loppylugs
Member
Man walks into a chemist shop, looks around discreetly to make sure he cannot be overheard by other customers , then says to the lady sales assistant "I'd like some condoms please". "Certainly sir," she says, "would you require the pack of five, seven or twelve?" "Oh" says he, "I didn't realise they were in different size packs. Why the difference?" "Well," says she, "the five pack is the fruity French variety, used from Monday to Friday, although they go on strike at weekends. The seven pack is the romantic Italian variety for use Monday to Sunday". The man is getting very excited. "What's the twelve pack for?" "That's the traditional English type sir, January, February, March, April.........
To be fair, if you saw English wives, you'd know why this is the case......
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
- Messages
- 1,565
A friend sends me tales which I sometimes use here and elsewhere; here's the latest one:
A Dinner Speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head Table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false Teeth. Turning to the Man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The Man said, "No problem." He reached into his Pocket and pulled out a pair of false Teeth. "Try these," he said. The Speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The Man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The Speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The Man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The Speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his Meal and gave his speech.
After the Dinner meeting was over, the Speaker went over to thank the Man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your Office? I've been looking for a good Dentist."
The Man replied, "I'm not a Dentist. I'm an Undertaker."
A Dinner Speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head Table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false Teeth. Turning to the Man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The Man said, "No problem." He reached into his Pocket and pulled out a pair of false Teeth. "Try these," he said. The Speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The Man then said, "I have another pair - try these." The Speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The Man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them." The Speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his Meal and gave his speech.
After the Dinner meeting was over, the Speaker went over to thank the Man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your Office? I've been looking for a good Dentist."
The Man replied, "I'm not a Dentist. I'm an Undertaker."
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