Forum Jokes

[Peter Mugridge]

Customer services.

 

[Johnuk123]

Paddy texts his wife:

'Mary, just having one more pint with the lads,
if I'm not back in twenty minutes,
read this text again'




I taught my Dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground...

We went from Barking to Tooting in about an hour.

 

[zuriblue]

Wes Anderson wants to make a film about 3 famous composers but wants to challenge the audiences perceptions. So instead of inviting Ralph Fiennes and Daniel Day Lewis to lunch he invites Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone and Arnie Swezeneger.
He outlines his plan and asks them who they would like to play;
Stallone replies he'd be Beethoven as he as intense, focused and moody, like me
Willis says well Mozart was a bit wild and wacky but got the job done, so that's the one for me
They all turn in expectation to Arnie who's sitting there deep in thought, he slowly looks round and says ...I'll be Bach

 

[Peter Mugridge]

A man took his boy to visit an aquarium; during their visit they found themselves on either side of a very large tank. Suddenly a huge animal swam between them, completely blocking their view of each other.

It was a turtle eclipse of the son.

 

[swj99]

Getting rid of Jeremy Clarkson for having an argument is like putting Joseph Fritzl in prison for not having planning permission for his cellar.
_______________

I've discovered a phone app that identifies the most annoying twunt when you're out in public.

It's called speakerphone.

 

[Muzer]

With apologies to William Blake, and also apologies to my own allegiances which are firmly to the LSWR

Written by me and improved by NSEFAN.

And did those wheels in Brunel's times
Roll upon England's railways clean?
And were the Kings, Castles and Halls
On England's pleasant railways seen?
And did the Great Western divine
Shine forth upon our steep inclines?
And was God's Railway builded here?
Among the dark South Western lines.

Rebuild Reading, plated with gold!
Bring me my contracts of desire!
Build me my Newton Aycliffe plant!
Bring me my overhead wire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall the DfT be sane,
Til we have built the IEP:
That's England's new and shiny train!

 

[cjp]

Hmm bit quiet in here


I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.


People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.


My wife told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo. I had to put my foot down.



My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

 

[DaveHarries]

Q: What do skeletons get when they're turned on?
A: Boners

Q: What do ghostss get when they're turned on?
A: Booners

You know how there's a theory that no two people see a colour the exact same way. Does that mean colour is a pigment of your imagination?

Chicken from Chinese takeaway: £5
Drink to go with dinner: £1
Getting home and realising that the takeaway forgot you give you part of your order ..... riceless

*gets coat*

Dave

 

[507021]

I tried to phone the Tinnitus Helpline this morning - but the phone just kept ringing

I said to my wife: "Can you get me a newspaper please"
She replied: "Don't be daft you don't need one of those you can use my iPad"

That spider didn't know what hit it!

 

[DaveHarries]

With apologies to William Blake, and also apologies to my own allegiances which are firmly to the LSWR

Written by me and improved by NSEFAN.

And did those wheels in Brunel's times
Roll upon England's railways clean?
And were the Kings, Castles and Halls
On England's pleasant railways seen?
And did the Great Western divine
Shine forth upon our steep inclines?
And was God's Railway builded here?
Among the dark South Western lines.

Rebuild Reading, plated with gold!
Bring me my contracts of desire!
Build me my Newton Aycliffe plant!
Bring me my overhead wire!
I will not cease from mental fight,
Nor shall the DfT be sane,
Til we have built the IEP:
That's England's new and shiny train!

Very good.

Dave

 

[cjp]

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.





You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

 

[Busaholic]

Best lift-out-of-order sign (from a short list of one):=

'Mr Otis regrets he is unable to winch today' from Reading Station.

You have to be familiar with music standards to get it!

 

[12CSVT]

I tried to phone the Tinnitus Helpline this morning - but the phone just kept ringing

I tried to phone the Dementia helpline but couldn't remember why.

 

[Clip]

Whats the difference between a fork lift and a giraffe?

Ones got hydraulics

the others got high b*ll*cks

 

[cjp]

There has been a recent thread about passenger behaviour so this is timely....

As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue.

I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the

four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with

that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure,

cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the

man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said

into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to

bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

 

[Clip]

This amused me

 

[backontrack]

A couple from comedian Milton Jones:

"Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do...

...he spent his whole life in the kebab business...

...he was buried with all his equipment...

...probably turning in his grave.

When my first daughter was born, she had jaundice. So there she was, small round and yellow. We named her 'Melonie'.

So I needed a drink then, but I had too much to drink, so I couldn't drive, but luckily I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, so I phoned up AA relay, and they came and took me to the next pub, which was great.

And there I met my old Siamese twin, who, when we split up, made a living by doing really bad impressions of me, and then went on to be an astronaut. He asked me how I felt about it all.

I said, 'Well...'

'At first, I was afraid. I was petrified.

'Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.

'But I spent so many nights, thinking how you did me wrong,

'And I grew strong, learned how to get along.'

'And so, you're back. From outer space.'

 

[deltic1989]

I once met an octopus, on my travels.
The octopus in question claimed that he could play any musical instrument known to man.
Being doubtful I decided to take him up on this and handed him a guitar.
The octopus proceeded to blast out Free Bird note for note perfect.
Upping the ante I handed him a Violin, on which he played the best rendition of The Devil went down to Georgia I have ever heard.
Our mate Jock McLean, had been watching this with great interest, and proceeded to hand the octopus his best set of bagpipes...
.....Silence.....
The octopus pulled and pushed too and fro for several minutes.
"What's up" Laughed Jock "Can't ye play em' "?

"Play em'" replayed the octopus, out of breath

"I'm going to shag her brains out once I get her pajamas off"

**************************************************************

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

******************************************************************

What not to say to a Police Officer:

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!

*********************************************************************

A trucker misses the turn-off before the low bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulls up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

************And Finally**********************************

What has a 12 inch penis and doesn't finish his senten

 

[mrben253]

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse; But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

 

[DasLunatic]

I went to Birmingham to see some virgins. They weighed 550 tonnes.

 

[backontrack]

The Beatles were food fans, weren't they? In fact, they were especially big fans of swiss cheese. As you can tell from the song;

'She loves Gruyère, yère, yère...'

 

[Condor7]

Those living in the middle east generally do not like the Flintstones, but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

 

[swj99]

I'm very old fashioned when it comes to sex.

I blow up my doll with a pair of bellows.

 

[Clip]

The missus text me last night to tell me she was in casualty.

when I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it and saw no sign of her.

She still hasn't come home yet and im still hungry

 

[Jetlagged]

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

So every day I go along the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do after. I show them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.

AND IT WORKS! … I already have 3 people following me...

2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

 

[zuriblue]

Couldn't blame him if he did.

Raheem Sterling goes into the Manchester City dressing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

Sergio Aguero replies "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool at Anfield. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".

Raheem looks at them and says "Well, after the way I and my family were treated when I moved I reckon I owe them a few things. I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub." .

So Raheem goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the City team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so Joe Hart gets his iPhone out and fires up LiveScore. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows

"Liverpool 0 - Manchester City 1 (Raheem Sterling, 10 minutes) "

He is beating the Red Scouse all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" Joe checks his phone again.

"Result from Anfield: "Liverpool 1 (Coutinho, pen, 98 minutes) - Manchester City 1 (Raheem Sterling, 10 minutes) "

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Liverpool!! They rush back to Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, weeping, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down"

"Don't be stupid, you got a draw against Liverpool, all by yourself. And they only scored from a dodgy penalty well into Fergie Time!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down!. After I scored I ran the length of the pitch and did an Adebeyor Slide towards the Kop and Clattenburg sent me off"

 

[12CSVT]

A little boy is constantly getting told off by his mum for misbehaving.

A few minutes after yet another telling off, he says to his mum "Hey mum, I've just noticed something. You've got some grey hairs".

His mum replies "Well, Jimmy, thats because you keep being naughty"

"How do you mean ?", he asks

"Every time you're naughty, it makes one of my hairs go grey", his mum tells him

Little Jimmy thinks for a moment then says "But Mum, that means you were naughty all the time"

Rather surprised, his mum asks "And what makes you say that ?"

"Because Grandma and Grandad have got lots of grey hairs"

 

[zuriblue]

- Is that the Australian dressing room?
- Yes, who do you want to speak to?
- Michael Clarke please
- I'm sorry he's not here. He's just gone out to bat.
- It's OK, I'll hold.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.
"The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property…………..
"Property?”, Sarah Smith replies. “The barsteward had a window cleaning round."

 

[CarltonA]

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked,"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, Indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St.Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair,s clock?" asked the man. St Peter replied,"We're using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[swj99]

I can't have sex with my wife this weekend because of "women troubles".
She's in hospital after crashing the car.