Any "leaver" want to start the day by explaining what they want to see after a vote to leave the EU? Do you favour the Norwegian model, remaining part of the single market? Or the Canadian model, where all relationships have to be separately negotiated?
After the people of Britain chose to Brexit, the UK's top negotiator the
Rt Hon Lord Sir Earl Smithers-Jones goes to an anonymous conference room in Limoges to negotiate the UK's trade relationship with the European Union. Already in the room are
Frau Farbissina,
Monsieur Aubergine,
Signore Signore and
Panicz Kurwamasz, who will all be negotiating for the EU.
Frau Farbissina: Come in Smithers old boy. Take a seat, take ze weight off your feet
Smithers-Jones: Thank you. Good morning everybody!
Monsieur Aubergine: Peess off Rosbif!
Panicz Kurwamasz: Heil Hitler!
Signor Signore: Can anyone lend me some money?
Frau Farbissina: You'll get your money later Signor. Now ve are talking about ze Britain.
Panicz Kurwamasz: There are a few too many blacks in London for my liking.
Frau Farbissina: SILENCE!!! Now let our British guest speak...
Smithers-Jones: Thank you. Now Britain wants to continue our trade relationship with Europe more or less as it has been. We like buying your shiz, and I'm sure you like having our money flow into your coffers...
Signor Signore: Did somebody say money? I need money. I sleep now.
Smithers-Jones: ...but unfortunately we need to control our borders, so we will have to insist that this trade deal does not include the free movement of people.
Frau Farbissina: ZAT IS UNACCEPTABLE!
Monsieur Aubergine: I effing hate you uncultured Eeeenglish. No deal. Never.
Non.
Panicz Kurwamasz: Britain is closing her borders? I, er, I have to go [
grabs his passport and hurriedly leaves the room] Taxi to Limoges airport please.
Signor Signore: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Suddenly Herr Vorsprungdurchtechnik, a representative of the German car industry, enters the room and whispers something in the ear of Frau Farbissina.
Frau Farbissina: I have just been informed zat ze British are buying a metric f*cktonne of German cars every year. It seems I have little choice but to accept a trade deal with you Englischer pigdogs.
Smithers-Jones: With no open borders...?
Frau Farbissina: [
Looks pleadingly at Herr Vorsprungdurchtechnik, who shakes his head] Sigh. With no open borders.
Monsieur Aubergine: But I detest zees Eeeeeeeenglish people...
Frau Farbissina: SILENCE! DISSENT VILL NOT BE TOLERATED! Smithers-Jones ve vill draw up an agreement. Ve vill trade openly with one another, you vill control your borders BUT you vill also pay a small cash fee to access ze single market. Is zat acceptable to you Herr Vorsprungdurchtechnik?
Herr Vorsprungdurchtechnik: Ja. Das ist gut
Frau Farbissina: And you, Englischer?
Smithers-Jones: Works for me. We'll name this agreement after the city we're in. Where are we anyway?
Frau Farbissina: Nantes, I think.
Monsieur Aubergine: Non, we are een Toulon
[Debate continues for seventy hours over which city the conference is in. Eventually the Limoges agreement is signed, giving the UK access to the single market and control over it's borders. Herr Vorsprungdurchtechnik is satisfied with the outcome]