Suicide - particularly men

[Bayum]

I've made no attempt to hide how I've been feeling to friends and my GP, but I've come to know just why it is that men so often take their lives. Saturday has been by far my worst day. Sat next to a mountain of drugs forcing myself not to take them. Hopeless. Despair. Agony.

Yet my GP who knows this seems to do little more than acknowledge my distress and simply tells me 'it takes time'. Granted it may take time for me to get over my relationship, but right now I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Let alone look forward to six weeks.

On and around the internet there's very little in terms of helplines and crisis lines and the like, and the ones that do exist seem to be for either children and teenagers, women or those with pre-existing mental health conditions and are already registered with the appropriate mental health team.

So what do men do? They jump in front of trains. They take massive overdoses. They choose more harrowing methods than women because it gets the job done. They've wound up in a spiral of conflict with no one taking them seriously and there seems to be nothing to help prevent this!

On a forum such as this I have often complained in the past that commenters make snide comments - 'their family should pay for delays', 'what a selfish thing to do and look at all the mess it's caused' etc. etc. I can honestly say that unless you've been in the position where your thoughts are so focussed on one thing and one thing only, that promises to keep eating away at you unless intervention is sought, you have very little to say about how 'selfish' it is.

So next time you jump on a thread about delays caused by suicides, just take into account how dark and difficult that person's world was for a period, that the only way for them to deal with it is to not have to feel it anymore.

 

[Blindtraveler]

My Wife attempts it every couple years, and ok, shes a woman with pre existing mental health issues but supporting and caring for her gives me a vivid idea what its like. Im here if you need a chat

 

[90019]

I've made no attempt to hide how I've been feeling to friends and my GP, but I've come to know just why it is that men so often take their lives. Saturday has been by far my worst day. Sat next to a mountain of drugs forcing myself not to take them. Hopeless. Despair. Agony.

Yet my GP who knows this seems to do little more than acknowledge my distress and simply tells me 'it takes time'. Granted it may take time for me to get over my relationship, but right now I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Let alone look forward to six weeks.

Sometimes it feels like there's an expectation that you should just get on with things and it'll go away, which is a somewhat less than helpful attitude to have.
But in my experience it does appear to be more aimed towards men than women, where there is an attitude in some social circles that you're not a 'real man' if you have mental issues or want to talk about feelings or emotions, and are just dismissed as being over dramatic or suchlike.


If you're not happy with the response from your GP, you can ask for a second opinion. Hopefully you'll see someone a bit more understanding who can suggest more ways to help.

Personally, I find that having a couple of good friends who will let you vent your emotions can be a great help - be it in person, over the phone or online, just having someone who is there to listen can make a big difference.

 

[tony_mac]

You can contact The Samaritans by visiting the following web page

http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
(Call Free on 116 123)
They are absolutely not aimed at other groups (such as teenagers and women), and they are well aware of the suicide rates amongst men, for example.
They have published a report about some of the challenges and do mention that some GPs could be providing better support.
http://www.samaritans.org/about-us/our-
research/research-report-men-suicide-and-society

 

[Kernowfem]

Firstly, may I commend you for finding the courage to speak about how you're feeling and seeking help. Sadly many people don't. Having sought help myself in the past for PTSD I know that mental health services are swamped, having a sympathetic and supportive GP is a positive though.

The mind is a complicated thing, and sadly doesn't heal as well as the body can. The poster above mentioned the Samaritans, they are excellent for listening and giving support, I've touched on services available to men before....particularly in the domestic violence field. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be a great deal.

May I wish you all the best, and I hope you will eventually see the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

 

[Blindtraveler]

Agreed with all the above, particularly with
"90019"
that 1 or 2 good mates are often worth their weight in gold. This as I say coming from the Husband of someone with poor mental health.

 

[GrimsbyPacer]

When I was younger I had phases of wanting suicide often due to family problems. I saw suicide 'opportunities' everywhere. Now I'm glad I didn't do it so much and I'm happy despite having nothing but my family still.
My life was turned around thanks to rediscovering Star Trek and seeing it in a new light. The future will be better than today eventually. Suicide is always regretted at the last moment so please try to avoid comtemplating it as that causes a downward spiral, otr it did to me at least. Try to rediscover whatever it was that you loved doing most and never give up on that dream.
They are some nasty comments out there, and they need to be challenged, your point of view proves the World's better with you than without.
I'm also free to talk to if anyone needs someone to chat to about anything.

 

[Groningen]

I was very touched by the next Youtube clip. The father had troubles and the school demanded that the girl had to get help. She was blocked from all kinds of events on school and saw only 1 way out. Sometimes it not the persons commits suicide that is to blaim, but in this case also other factors like school.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS1pvcbEW64

 

[LowLevel]

You will find most of us on the railway don't blame people, it's just very sad. I've talked people down from it once or twice and it's not easy. You can read what you want into railway work but it's anything other than logical and simple. Some folk you might find yourself hauled in to the office just for touching them accidentally. On the other side of the coin I once had a distressed older lady, it turned out in a very professional job, collapse into my arms while I was working a train and I couldn't do anything but hold on to the poor thing while she cried. I chucked my ticket machine in a spare cab and spent the next 40 minutes talking through every aspect of her life with her in a train doorway. It all teaches you never to take anything personally and take everyone as you find them as you never know when a kind word or a smile will make the difference.

All I can say fella is that as long as there's life there's hope. We all care about each other or we wouldn't bother interacting. I believe whole heatedly that most people are basically good. Rarely do I see something bad happening without someone intervening in some way. I care about my passengers as it's my job to get them around the place in one piece, good times or bad. I couldn't do it if I didn't care.

Relationships ending seem like the end of the world because they are - they're the end of a little world you build for yourself. It doesn't seem like it at the time but you can build new ones.

Lean on the people you need to and don't be afraid even to talk to people on here - you don't sound silly - we might be words on a screen but we're all living human beings at the end of a keyboard (or touchscreen phone in my case ).

 

[Strathclyder]

Personally, I find that having a couple of good friends who will let you vent your emotions can be a great help - be it in person, over the phone or online, just having someone who is there to listen can make a big difference.

This right here.

I suffer from severe depression (mainly as result of a two year-long struggle with my sexuality) and have seriously considered suicide multiple times this year. Even though I managed to resolve it (came out as gay to my parents in Nov. 2014), the struggle left me burnt out, disillusioned and suicidal. Got dangerously close to just ending it several times. If it weren't for a select few online friends I opened up to about my struggles with my sexual identity, depression and suicide, providing a non-judgmental ear and a shoulder to cry on when it became too much, I would have succumbed by now.
Now, the suicidal urges have (for the most part) subsided, but the depression is still very much at the forefront. Breakdowns are still relatively common, but I can manage them better now. I still keep in regular contact with the same group of online friends who helped pull me back from the brink, continuing to help me when the depression rears it's ugly head. I seriously can't thank them enough...

Bayum - Seriously, if you ever need to, don't hesitate to PM me. My inbox is always open if you need to vent or just need someone to talk to. I won't judge you or tell you how to fix things. I'll just listen. I genuinely wish all the best in your recovery and that the light at the end of that tunnel will show itself soon...

 

[Shimbleshanks]

I went through a very rough patch in the past 12 months or so - my Missus had legal troubles (now thankfully at an end) and started talking about jumping under a train. While it probably was just her being over-dramatic (she's French) I must say it really shook me up.

I wouldn't claim to have suffered from full-blown depression, so I wouldn't claim to be going through what you're going through at the moment. But I would say that the only thing that kept me going through the darkest days was the thought that there is always light at the end of the tunnel; just because you can't see it at the moment doesn't mean that it isn't there. Perhaps you just need to get past one more curve and it'll be there in front of you.

 

[theblackwatch]

Life isn't easy always, and it's not always easy to tell that someone is having trouble coping. I'm sure a lot of us have had friends, work colleagues or relatives who have had mental health issues. The important thing in my opinion for anyone who is struggling is to ensure you talk to someone - be it a friend, family member, professional, stranger, online contact or whoever you feel easiest with - rather than bottle things up. There are plenty of people who care, even if they can't make you feel better immediately.

 

[heart-of-wessex]

Yep, combine help with a lot of willpower and you can pull through, just as I did.

I just left home and dumped everything, tried to jump in front of a train once but couldn't face it, took loads of sleeping tablets and in the end had a massive 'trip', I do not recommend it whatsoever. Found by police at the end of Filton Abbey Wood station where I nearly jumped in front of a Voyager, got taken to a hospital, and then spent a few months in a mental health hospital.

I was diagnosed with a form of Dyspraxia, but having had antidepressants at the hospital, and some more after I was released, I slowly wound off of them and have never looked back. I had suicidal thoughts practically every year or two, and since being released a good 7 plus years ago, I'd never dream of going through all that again.

People don't understand what it's like unless you've been there yourself, calling them selfish and ignorant, but in reality it's confusing and difficult, you don't do it for a laugh or just for the hell of it.

But it's not the end, and as I say with a lot of help and willpower, it's very easy to pull out and forget about it, and never have any more problems again. I look back on it and think why did I do it? It doesn't matter though as I'm still here, and can look at the positives and think had I actually done it, look at all the things I would have been missing out on!

So anyone with a big problem, I'd seriously suggest talking to a GP, doctor, and if you need to visit a clinic or mental health hospital, do it, you can pull out of it if you try hard!

 

[fowler9]

Bayum. I don't know what to say, I know there aren't any words that will make it all O.K. because I have suffered from depression and anxiety for 25 years. I have found talking to friends has always been the best way. I don't like taking medication and most counseling I have been found to be useless. Most recently I tried CBT and to be honest I think it would only be useful if you were completely housebound by your condition. I am functional and go to work everyday. For me writing a diary about what I have to do every day and what has stressed me out does not help. Knowing I have friends I can tell how I feel is a massive release. As for people who think people who commit suicide are selfish, I wish I could put them in my shoes for a few minutes when I am feeling bad. It would change them forever. Depression is not feeling a bit sad. It is not feeling sorry for yourself. Sadly too many people will get to know what it s really like, even more sadly it will be people who feel more and care more about the world and people around them.

 

[St Rollox]

Is it true that suicide happens in copy cat clusters?

 

[tony_mac]

Is it true that suicide happens in copy cat clusters?

Yes, absolutely, it's a very well-known issue.
There are a number of organisations who have produced media guidelines which explain this and give advice on how to best report suicides.
It's something I wish people on this site took more notice of.

http://www.sprc.org/sites/sprc.org/files/library/sreporting.pdf
http://www.samaritans.org/media-centre/media-guidelines-reporting-suicide
http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/resource_media.pdf

 

[90019]

Depression is not feeling a bit sad. It is not feeling sorry for yourself.

What people think depression feels like:

- sadness

What depression actually feels like:

- hopelessness
- self-loathing
- isolation
- anxiety
- sadness
- guilt
- the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry

 

[Bayum]

This. All over. Even on Christmas Day my mood has been lower than the district line. I pretty much get the hopelessness, the isolation and anxiety. The having to plan your day hour after hour after hour because otherwise you'd find yourself trapped in bed all day.

I don't like taking medication and most counseling I have been found to be useless. Most recently I tried CBT and to be honest I think it would only be useful if you were completely housebound by your condition

If I'm honest I really don't feel like the medication I'm on is working. Anyway. I'm on an SSRI, a tricyclic and Tramadol - all of which are meant to do something with serotonin reuptake inhibition - a chemical that, apparently, is implicated in depression.

I'm having person centred counselling at the moment and my GP referred me to the psych. team on Monday who have suggested some Diazepam for a couple of weeks. I have looked into CBT as I know it can be useful for particular thought processes, so I'm hoping once I go for a pre-counselling check we will be able to work out whether CBT will help or not. I'm hopeful, but right now I'd do anything to stop feeling so lost!

 

[St Rollox]

Could anybody explain why those not suffering from severe mental health issues, drugs, money or family problems would take their own life's.
I knew two men who were the happiest funniest with no money problems people you could meet yet both decided to commit suicide.
Families, friends, neighbours and workmates were left completely distraught.

 

[cf111]

Could anybody explain why those not suffering from severe mental health issues, drugs, money or family problems would take their own life's.
I knew two men who were the happiest funniest with no money problems people you could meet yet both decided to commit suicide.
Families, friends, neighbours and workmates were left completely distraught.

Some people are very good at hiding what they're actually feeling when they're around others. It's likely they were suffering from depression on a scale serious enough to be called a severe mental health issue.

I've dealt with the aftermath of suicides in a professional capacity and there are a lot of people say something along the lines of "I had no idea he was feeling that way".

Anyone who wishes can contact the Samaritans (116 123 (freephone) from the UK) if they feel having someone to listen them would help; you don't have to be feeling suicidal. You can also email [email protected] if you would prefer. You'll be given all the time and space you need if you want it.

 

[deltic]

I've made no attempt to hide how I've been feeling to friends and my GP, but I've come to know just why it is that men so often take their lives. Saturday has been by far my worst day. Sat next to a mountain of drugs forcing myself not to take them. Hopeless. Despair. Agony.

Yet my GP who knows this seems to do little more than acknowledge my distress and simply tells me 'it takes time'. Granted it may take time for me to get over my relationship, but right now I don't even want to wake up tomorrow. Let alone look forward to six weeks.

On and around the internet there's very little in terms of helplines and crisis lines and the like, and the ones that do exist seem to be for either children and teenagers, women or those with pre-existing mental health conditions and are already registered with the appropriate mental health team.

So what do men do? They jump in front of trains. They take massive overdoses. They choose more harrowing methods than women because it gets the job done. They've wound up in a spiral of conflict with no one taking them seriously and there seems to be nothing to help prevent this!

On a forum such as this I have often complained in the past that commenters make snide comments - 'their family should pay for delays', 'what a selfish thing to do and look at all the mess it's caused' etc. etc. I can honestly say that unless you've been in the position where your thoughts are so focussed on one thing and one thing only, that promises to keep eating away at you unless intervention is sought, you have very little to say about how 'selfish' it is.

So next time you jump on a thread about delays caused by suicides, just take into account how dark and difficult that person's world was for a period, that the only way for them to deal with it is to not have to feel it anymore.

Bravest post I have ever seen on this forum - and the responses have been both eyeopening and heartwarming. Wishing you all the best with your battles and praying for you.

 

[90019]

I knew two men who were the happiest funniest with no money problems people you could meet yet both decided to commit suicide.

Appearances can be deceptive.
What they're showing on the outside isn't necessarily how they're feeling on the inside.

 

[Strathclyder]

Appearances can be deceptive.
What they're showing on the outside isn't necessarily how they're feeling on the inside.

Precisely.

What they show on the outside is merely a mask, used to conceal their true feelings and some people are very good at keeping that mask on when in public or surrounded by their loved ones/friends. It's a completely different story when that person is alone....

 

[RichmondCommu]

Back in October my wife and I and three of my children attended the funeral of a young man aged 18. James had taken his own life after splitting up with his girlfriend after she'd left home to go to University and he'd remained at home to re-sit his A Levels. I'd known James all his life and his death hit me hard.

His parents had come home from a night out to find their son hanging from the entrance to the loft. The image of their son hanging in front of them will stay with them for the rest of their lives. His Mum had carried him around for nine months and along with her husband had taught to him to crawl, walk, feed himself, talk, read and write, to swim and ride his bicycle unaided. And yet now they had to bury him. We watched them walk out of the Crematorium looking like they'd seen a ghost. They were utterly heart broken and absolutely distraught. There was nothing that anyone could say to them and for the rest of their lives they will never properly recover. As a parent I can not imagine what it must be like to bury your child.

To the OP and indeed anybody in a similar position think about your parents and loved ones and the thought of them having to say goodbye to you before deciding to end it all. There is not a problem in the world that cannot be over come if you allow other people to help you.

For what it's worth suicide victims very rarely discuss their feelings with anyone else, least of all tell people that they are thinking of taking their own lives. Instead they just go ahead and do it, as was the case with young James. He'd not mentioned to anyone that he'd considered taking his own life, he just did it. This is why I think the OP is appealing for help as opposed to actually intending to take his own life.

Christmas must be the hardest time of year if you're feeling lonely and depressed and I hope you get better soon.

Richmond Commuter.

 

[fowler9]

Could anybody explain why those not suffering from severe mental health issues, drugs, money or family problems would take their own life's.
I knew two men who were the happiest funniest with no money problems people you could meet yet both decided to commit suicide.
Families, friends, neighbours and workmates were left completely distraught.

This is a real problem group. People who never told anyone how they feel. When I started feeling depressed no one had a clue, most depressed people don't walk around dressed like goths talking about how pointless it all is. I'd had some pretty dark thoughts and then one day in halls in Uni I couldn't take it any more. I told my friends that I wanted to commit suicide. I was terrified they would think I was being an attention seeker. They were amazing, I spent the night in the medical centre at Uni and called home to tell my mum I was feeling suicidal. I didn't actually want to kill myself but was terrified I would just do it if that makes sense. I was falling to bits inside and no one knew, the most important thing I did was tell people. You would not believe how hard that is to do.

 

[ComUtoR]

http://www.sane.org.uk/

 

[Smudger105e]

First I have to say that I have never been so depressed that I have seriously considered suicide, and I am also no expert on mental health.

I think part of the problem can be that the individual involved often does not realise how bad things are (meaning how serious their mental position), and that suicide will solve the problems. They may think that suicide will make the problems go away for the individual, but it simply creates greater problems, grief and issues for those left behind. It's easy to say but suicide solves nothing.

My father (who is no longer with us unfortunately) used to have the view that people with depression should "snap out of it". That was until he was ill after a stroke and with diabetes, mobility issues, blindness, gangrene and so on. He suffered from depression and then he understood what depression was.

As other posters have said, it is vital that anyone who feels, suicidal, depressed or even just a bit down, talks to someone. Samaritans, work colleagues, family or members here. Anyone.

 

[St Rollox]

Is there a noticeable decrease in suicide at certain times.

 

[radamfi]

I've suffered in the past. I've been on medication but getting older has helped the most, knowing that I'll be dead sooner or later anyway, so I might as well live.

 

[fowler9]

Smudger with all due respect all you did there was take the problems of the person who was suicidal and instantly turn them in to the problems of those left behind. If you are suicidal you aren't thinking rationally.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---

I've suffered in the past. I've been on medication but getting older has helped the most, knowing that I'll be dead sooner or later anyway, so I might as well live.

Not sure getting older is a cure for depression to be honest as opposed to a result of not killing yourself. I would kind of broadly agree though.