Train announcements with a sense of humour

[moose2001]

On a Sunday evening, a packed Northern Rail train at Manchester Piccadilly:

"The train should have three toilets but only one is functioning and it hasn't been cleaned all day so if you do need to use it, good luck"

 

[61653 HTAFC]

Just remembered this one from ages ago:

"We will shortly be arriving into Dewsbury*... if you're alighting here, please make sure you take with you all your belongings... and my deepest condolences!"

*= the name of the station has been changed by me to avoid anyone getting into trouble... though it was a long time ago.

 

[och aye]

I was on a TP Express service from Waverley to Manchester Victoria. After the guard announced the list of stations we'd be stopping at, he then said in a half passive aggressive/half humorous way:

"Unfortunately we don't have a trolley service just now as someone couldn't be bothered coming in this morning! Apologies for that, hopefully we'll sort something out when we get to Preston"

He sounded a bit more cheery after we left Preston and announced the train now had trolley service.

 

[Train wasp]

Some years back on arriving at Eastleigh the guard announced change here for Pompey. Which makes me wonder how many other stations have nicknames?

 

[HowardGWR]

Some years back on arriving at Eastleigh the guard announced change here for Pompey. Which makes me wonder how many other stations have nicknames?

Cue for a new thread? "Wolves" used to be scrawled on wagons destined for Wolverhampton. I think there were quite a few examples like that in the days of wagon freight.

 

[lxfe_mxtterz]

During the summer of last year, I was travelling between Minffordd and Machynlleth one evening and after the stop at Tywyn, a male member of staff started announcing. I'm not sure whether it was the driver, or a second guard, or what - there was already a female guard onboard all the way to Machynlleth. But he made a variety of amusing comments at each station, and one that I do remember, albeit vaguely, is the one at Dovey Junction where he joked about getting out on the wrong side of the train. I can't remember the joke exactly, but it did make everybody onboard, myself included, chuckle!

 

[ATW Alex 101]

As a fairly regular traveller on the Merseyrail network, there is one dude who does amusing announcement, I’m sure he’s been mentioned on this thread.

A few times in London, the announcers on the platform sometimes can be amusing, one even started rapping.

 

[_toommm_]

I’m on the 18:17 from Manchester to Leeds tonight. Service is curtailed at Selby due to engineering works. The auto-announcer announces ‘... Leeds, South Milford, and... [switches to female voice] Carlisle’.

Bit of an interesting route to take!

 

[JBC]

I was travelling from Carlisle to Newcastle a few years ago on one of the through services from Scotland, a ScotRail 156 but crewed by Northern. The automatic station announcement immediately got out of sync, and, after departing from Haydon Bridge, a passenger sat opposite me checked with the guard when he passed that the next stop was indeed Hexham.

The guard confirmed that it was, apologised for the confusing PA, and blamed it on the fact we were travelling on a Scottish train and the time difference between England and Scotland (and then went of to reset the system). After the guard had gone, the passenger looked at me and asked, "Is there a time difference between England and Scotland?"

A few stops further on, the gentle Scottish automatic announcement said we'd soon be arriving at "Prood-hoe" (locals pronounce Prudhoe to rhyme with udder).

Further south, guards on Anglia Railways (remember them?) always announced the end station as "where this train completes its journey" instead of using the more common "terminates". I've heard it more recently on Greater Anglia rural services as well (although don't travel by train as much in the UK as I used to).

And then there was the evening we were approaching Cambridge from the north, when the guard added a warning to watch out as the train crossed over the points (implying some sort of swerving as we entered the bays at the north end of the station). Having seen which route was set, he then announced the platform and which side the doors would open, finishing with, "I hope you had a good sleep, madam."

Regarding announcements at stations, the Train Announcer (official BR term - not station announcer: they announce the trains) at Oxford was, unusually, located in the TEB (Telephone Enquiry Bureau) rather than the power box, and as a student I once worked there for a couple of months. A problem of this arrangement was that the announcer couldn't see the panel and the location of trains. One afternoon, during the usual quiet spell in the TEB, a train was announced with its usual platform, but the platform had been changed and the signalman immediately phoned to inform the announcer of this fact: so he had to make a correction. He began, "This is a correction to my next announcement" and then had to stop because everyone else in the office suddenly cracked up laughing.

On another occasion, the day's relief announcer, who was also a volunteer guard at the Great Central Railway, announced, "The train at platform 1 is the ten hundred hours Network Express for Rothley, correction Reading, and London Paddington." All accidentally, of course!

 

[matt_world2004]

"Sorry for the delay to this train, this is due to a scallie shoving their oyster card in the air vent".

" We are just being held at a red signal . Because the signaller decided to path a slow moving freight train in front of this faster one".

 

[317666]

Back in FCC/EC days, I remember hearing "Apologies for the delay, we're being held here because the signalman prefers silver trains to blue and pink ones!".

 

[tpjm]

Back in FCC/EC days, I remember hearing "Apologies for the delay, we're being held here because the signalman prefers silver trains to blue and pink ones!".

No surprise. An ex-signalman friend told me recently that when it became East Coast they were issued with a government issued memo that said “under ANY circumstance, EC trains take priority”. Nothing like massaging the figures!

I was on a TPE last year and one of our more “humorous” guards had to deliver a serious safety message, leaving Huddersfield:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, you may have seen as the train arrived at Huddersfield that I was sticking my head out of the window. No, it’s not for fresh air, but so I can make sure you’re all safe as the train arrives. There were quite a few of you who were VERY close to the moving train. Please, please stand well back and wait for the train to stop, I really don’t want anybody to be losing any orifices... *silence* CORRECTION, appendages, I knew that didn’t sound right!”

I’ve also had:
“Choo choo, full steam ahead Ladies and Gentlement, next stop Huddersfield, cruising onwards at an altitude of approximately 6 feet to...”

 

[I13]

On a LM/LNR (I lose track of when it was) crossing up slow to up fast at Ledburn Jn with multiple people standing, the conductor advised customers of the upcoming turn and invited them to hold onto those around them - once on the fast, he asked people to let go of their new acquaintances.

It's been mentioned already but here's a link to the BBC news item on the great conductor over in GWR land - video in link:

A train manager described as sounding like "the world’s most outrageously enthusiastic game show compere" has become a hit with commuters for his announcements.

 

[randyrippley]

Years back heading south on the Midland Main Line on a Blackpool - East Anglia 156.......
Heavy brake application and the driver announces "Look out....steam train coming....on the left". We crawl to a stop, everybody looking out the windows.....and a Merchant Navy goes past, hauling an excursion. On the right. "Err sorry" said the driver
Loco was probably Clan Line on a Nottingham-Carlisle run

 

[gimmea50anyday]

Said by me....

“Approaching Leeds, change here for CassVegas, PonteCarlo and other glamorous West Yorkshire destinations”

“Please mind the gap between the timetable and reality”

“Welcome on board this service to Scarborough, please keep your hands inside the ride at all times, smile for the cameras, and scream if you wanna go faster!”

“Please have tickets, passes and railcards ready for inspection, feeble excuses and reasonable attempts to bribe the staff also considered”

 

[barrow trains]

There's a XC train manager (think at Bristol as had it on a early out of there once), trying to thyme with stations lol, such as charismatic Cheltenham.

 

[ValentaFan1974]

That’ll be a Bristol TM called John. Nice chap. “Welcome to the exciting centre of Devon we know as Exeter St David’s”... or “Titillating Tiverton Parkway” or similar

 

[gimmea50anyday]

I was on a TPE last year and one of our more “humorous” guards had to deliver a serious safety message, leaving Huddersfield:

“Choo choo, full steam ahead Ladies and Gentlement, next stop Huddersfield, cruising onwards at an altitude of approximately 6 feet to...”

That sounds very much like the humour of York’s legendary Nikki May, lovely lass, such a warm and friendly character. We love her!

 

[tpjm]

That sounds very much like the humour of York’s legendary Nikki May, lovely lass, such a warm and friendly character. We love her!

Alas, not Nikki May, although very much her style!

Both quotes were from MIA Guards.

 

[RHolmes]

Not a train announcement but on a GVB tram in Amsterdam, the majority have a customer service desk onboard where a CSA sits, selling tickets, making stop announcements and giving information and one boldly announced in Dutch humour

“Ding ding, I’m sorry sir the bar has closed” to some tourists stood in front of his counter rather than moving down the tram

 

[DannyMich2018]

There used to be in the early Cross Country years (2007+) a very humorous conductor who was a frequent sight and sound of the Nuneaton-Leicester route and presumably other routes too, I believe he was Carribean origin or similar but he was brilliant, I remember some years ago approaching Nuneaton very slowly and he apologised and said a funeral possesion was ahead! It was a freight train. He was so witty and a pleasure to have on your train, sadly I've not heard or seen him for a very long time so assume he's retired now or something? Does anyone know anything about him? He brightened up anyone's day!!

 

[Fyldeboy]

At Paddington: This train terminates here - or continues onto the Metropolitan line down the steps

 

[Fyldeboy]

And by myself, working a Bristol-Padd New years day HST in the early 1990s

"For the benefit of the passenger in coach C, a buffet service is provided offering . . ." (yes, the only passenger in 8 coaches)

 

[LowLevel]

There used to be in the early Cross Country years (2007+) a very humorous conductor who was a frequent sight and sound of the Nuneaton-Leicester route and presumably other routes too, I believe he was Carribean origin or similar but he was brilliant, I remember some years ago approaching Nuneaton very slowly and he apologised and said a funeral possesion was ahead! It was a freight train. He was so witty and a pleasure to have on your train, sadly I've not heard or seen him for a very long time so assume he's retired now or something? Does anyone know anything about him? He brightened up anyone's day!!

There were 2. Fred was the bigger guy and has retired. Barry was the poet and was last I heard still on the railway in a different role.

 

[CW2]

A few years back, one Sunday I did a Cross Country service from Reading to Oxford, diverted via Foxhall Junction (the Didcot avoider). As we came to a halt at Foxhall Junction, the Train Manager proudly announced our arrival, ".. and change here for services to ..." and proceeded to list all the connections available at Oxford. Subsequently the train was delayed at Oxford awaiting a replacement TM, following the removal from duty of the first one!

 

[LowLevel]

A few years back, one Sunday I did a Cross Country service from Reading to Oxford, diverted via Foxhall Junction (the Didcot avoider). As we came to a halt at Foxhall Junction, the Train Manager proudly announced our arrival, ".. and change here for services to ..." and proceeded to list all the connections available at Oxford. Subsequently the train was delayed at Oxford awaiting a replacement TM, following the removal from duty of the first one!

Mucking up an announcement location because you've forgotten that you're making an engineering diversion would not result in the guard being relieved from duty. I mess up announcing on a weekly basis and have a clean record. Ho hum.

 

[CW2]

Mucking up an announcement location because you've forgotten that you're making an engineering diversion would not result in the guard being relieved from duty. I mess up announcing on a weekly basis and have a clean record. Ho hum.

The point was that Foxhall Jn is not a passenger location, and has no platforms, yet the guard was advising us to get out of the train there for a range of connections. Having realised the (very public) error, the guard suffered a minor breakdown, and was unable to work beyond Oxford.
A bit more serious than just messing up an announcement.

 

[LowLevel]

The point was that Foxhall Jn is not a passenger location, and has no platforms, yet the guard was advising us to get out of the train there for a range of connections. Having realised the (very public) error, the guard suffered a minor breakdown, and was unable to work beyond Oxford.
A bit more serious than just messing up an announcement.

There was no safety implication whatsoever so it's not even slightly serious and easily remedied with a follow up 'whoops, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself folks, we are taking a bit of a diversion tonight so we will be reversing direction here - it'll be a little bit longer till we reach Oxford'. The driver releases the doors on a Voyager.

Any guard that requires to be relieved from duty having fluffed like that needs medical assistance and a new job. So I'm going to stick with 'never happened', I'm afraid.

 

[godfreycomplex]

There was no safety implication whatsoever so it's not even slightly serious and easily remedied with a follow up 'whoops, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself folks, we are taking a bit of a diversion tonight so we will be reversing direction here - it'll be a little bit longer till we reach Oxford'. The driver releases the doors on a Voyager.

Any guard that requires to be relieved from duty having fluffed like that needs medical assistance and a new job. So I'm going to stick with 'never happened', I'm afraid.

I don’t know anything about the incident concerned either way but these things can be to coin a phrase the straw that breaks the camel’s back psychologically if something else was going on in that department.

 

[Ashley Hill]

I knew a guard who would regularly announce Gillingham (Dorset) as Jillingham "to wind up the locals" he'd say.