Train announcements with a sense of humour

Ian Hardy

Member
Joined
18 Nov 2009
Messages
68
I was on a westbound Piccadilly Line service one evening and the driver made this announcement:
"This announcement is for the man in the blue jacket who has just got onto the 3rd carriage, my mother told me not to pick up strangers"

At the height of the pm peak one evening before the Terminal 4 loop opened, the platform staff at Acton Town announced: "The next westbound Piccadilly Line service is the sardine special to Heathrow Central"
 
Sponsor Post - registered members do not see these adverts; click here to register, or click here to log in
R

RailUK Forums

LocoCycle

Member
Joined
5 Jan 2020
Messages
9
Location
Edinburgh
I love the ScotRail guard on the HML with the superbly melancholic voice. Arriving at Dunkeld & Birnam, "Please take care disembarking as the platform here is *unbelievably low*."

On another trip north, he came down the train looking for passengers travelling beyond Inverness so he could let control know how many taxis to order. "Four of us to Dingwall". "Thank you". "And two bicycles." "Oh good, that will give them something to worry about." That really brightened up his countenance!
 

Class800

Member
Joined
5 Feb 2020
Messages
78
Location
West Country
Glasgow QS LL - someone singing 'Go West' - not quite an 'on train' announcement but a platform entrance announcement - for the westbound side. So funny at time, so hard to explain.
 

typefish

Member
Joined
12 Sep 2019
Messages
31
Location
Heaton
Once had a conductor on an XC service mispronounce every station between Cambridge and Peterborough (a very cheerful conductor), yet managed to pronounce Manea correctly

Was he playing the long game with this one?
 

Stampy

Member
Joined
21 Sep 2014
Messages
309
Location
Peterborough
Once had a conductor on an XC service mispronounce every station between Cambridge and Peterborough (a very cheerful conductor), yet managed to pronounce Manea correctly

Was he playing the long game with this one?

Ely = Eeee Lie
Manea = May knee or Manny
March = Don't know HOW you could mis-pronounce this one??
Whittlesey = Whit-ley-say or Whit-see
 

blakey1152

Member
Joined
5 Sep 2011
Messages
341
Many years ago, Arriving on a Virgin trains service from Glasgow to Euston it was announced that we are going to arrive in Euston not just on time but 2 minutes early but sadly we've run out balloons and champagne to celebrate this momentous occasion!
 

mr williams

Member
Joined
19 Sep 2010
Messages
132
Somewhere around 1980 I was at Birmingham New St when an announcement came over the p.a apologising to passengers on platform 11 for the late departure of the 17.32 to Walsall.

About ten seconds later a different voice, clearly annoyed and in a thick Brummie accent came on:"This is a staff announcement, will the driver of the 17.32 to Walsall please go to platform 11 the train is waiting for you!!"
 

IamTrainsYT

On Moderation
Joined
8 Dec 2018
Messages
978
Location
Broadbottom
Last year coming up the GEML, the conductor was announcing each stop with a little anecdote on this 'sunny Saturday'. The weather was dull but it did cheer me up.

Just wondering if anyone else has come across non standard announcements
Last weekend when travelling into Manchester the guard announced “we are now arriving into platform 5 of magnificent Manchester piccadilly. If you are not travelling to Manchester airport please change here and remember to take all your bags and belongings with you and take care as you leave the train.”
 

IamTrainsYT

On Moderation
Joined
8 Dec 2018
Messages
978
Location
Broadbottom
Also at the east Lancashire railway the announcer said “the train now approaching platform 3 does not stop here. Please stand clear from the platform edge. That includes you with the camera”
 

03_179

Established Member
Joined
13 Aug 2008
Messages
1,604
Location
London
Many, many moons ago there was a bloke that use to occasionally work at Smitham Ticket office … his train announcement comprised of opening the door to the platform and shouting TRAIN and then closing it again.
 

Facing Back

Member
Joined
21 May 2019
Messages
117
Many, many moons ago there was a bloke that use to occasionally work at Smitham Ticket office … his train announcement comprised of opening the door to the platform and shouting TRAIN and then closing it again.
Hahaha. In case somebody mistook it for an ice cream van?
 

Yindee8191

Member
Joined
16 Mar 2019
Messages
24
I was on a WMR 323 to Redditch on Saturday and the announcements were the lightest I’ve ever heard - the conductor said (quietly) just the name of the station we were arriving at.
 

baz962

Established Member
Joined
8 Jun 2017
Messages
1,929
Hahaha. In case somebody mistook it for an ice cream van?

Off topic , but this reminded me of back when I worked in a car dealership part's department. Gentleman comes in and asks for a part for his van and upon being asked what van it was , said it's an ice cream van.
 

61653 HTAFC

Veteran Member
Joined
18 Dec 2012
Messages
11,835
Location
Another planet...
It would get pounced upon by the media and by the professionally offended if it had happened, but the troll in me wanted (at the tail end of last year when the meme was going) an announcement to drop a "Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself" into the middle of running through the stops. Preferably on a line like the Heart of Wales where there's plenty to hide it amongst!
 

VT 390

Established Member
Joined
7 Dec 2018
Messages
1,366
I was on a WMR 323 to Redditch on Saturday and the announcements were the lightest I’ve ever heard - the conductor said (quietly) just the name of the station we were arriving at.
I have noticed this quite a few times on West Midlands Railway and other operators quite a few times.
 

Yodiethedog

Member
Joined
6 Oct 2019
Messages
15
Location
Knowle, bristol
Was on an XC hst once leaving plymouth when we suddenly grounded to a halt

"Ladies and gentlemen, the driver has flagged up a few issues with the train"

Can you get vaguer than that?
 

Dave W

Member
Joined
27 Sep 2019
Messages
87
Location
North London
Aha, in a similar vein, in the dying days of the GN 313s a driver came on to apologise for the fact we’d ground to a halt between Bowes Park and Ally Pally with “this train has a number of issues I can’t resolve”

... funnily enough, he managed to nurse it to Hornsey where as I was getting off a man dressed in orange took a sledgehammer to a set of doors. Train flew out of the platform as I exited the footbridge. If in doubt...
 

Ashley Hill

Member
Joined
8 Dec 2019
Messages
701
Location
The West Country
A popular game amongst some buffet staff years ago was "word of the day". A word would be selected,normal or rude, and that word must be used at least once over the tannoy during the journey.
 

trebor79

Established Member
Joined
8 Mar 2018
Messages
2,507
I remember a very camp GNER buffet attendant making his announcement. "I have a range of delicious snacks and drinks for you all. I'll make you a lovely cup of tea, and you can try my sausage roll if you're feeling hungry. I LOVE sausage, don't you?" In a very suggestive Julian Clary type voice, but camped up. It was quite funny and there were a few giggles.

On the Picadilly line many years ago. A week or so before Christmas. Squeezed into a rammed train at Knightsbridge. Doors shut. Doors open again "Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be delayed for a couple of minutes" collective groan from about a million people crammed in the platform and train... "No honestly, just a minute, just a minute or two. I promise."
Silence.
"Oh, and Merry Christmas everybody!"
 

TheEdge

Established Member
Joined
29 Nov 2012
Messages
3,544
Location
Norwich
It would get pounced upon by the media and by the professionally offended if it had happened, but the troll in me wanted (at the tail end of last year when the meme was going) an announcement to drop a "Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself" into the middle of running through the stops. Preferably on a line like the Heart of Wales where there's plenty to hide it amongst!

I've had to suppress so many sarcastic, tasteless and downright offensive turns of phrase and comments down the PA over the years.

Although I did once accidentally announce on approach to Ipswich that my train would "shortly be arriving into Ipsh*t". Luckily either no one was paying attention or everyone on board agreed with my statement and I heard nothing back.
 

js1000

Member
Joined
14 Jun 2014
Messages
895
On one of the new TPE Class 397 trains to Glasgow:

"Apologies to passengers in coach B who are currently melting. As you can probably tell this is a new train. It has two internal temperatures modes: summer and winter. Unfortunately one is too cold and the other is too hot."
 
Joined
4 Jan 2011
Messages
389
Location
Nelson
I made a bit of an oopsie recently with one of our groups we get on the Settle to Carlisle by not engaging brain before announcing...

They seem to like standing near to the edge of the platform and a freight train was shortly passing through.

'ladies and gents, there's a fast moving freight train passing through in a minute so please stand away from the platform edge or you risk being sucked off'

Cue platform bursting out into laughter (thankfully) and a very red faced me! :oops:
 

Ian Hardy

Member
Joined
18 Nov 2009
Messages
68
On 9 February 2019 I heard this automated announcement at 22:11 "Stand clear of Platform 18, the next train is not scheduled to stop at this station"

I was a bit concerned as I was standing on the concourse at Waterloo at the time. I am glad to say that 707001 & 707013 did stop when they arrived at platform 18, as I caught them as the 22:22 to Weybridge.

The wonders of automated announcements, I think this was because Wimbledon SC had not allocated the platform for the 22:22 before the inward service arrived.
 

O L Leigh

Established Member
Joined
20 Jan 2006
Messages
4,394
Location
In the cab with the paper
There was an XC senior conductor who is no longer with the company. Here are a couple of his gems.

"Hello passengers. We are now approaching March. Change here for April, May and June."

"We will shortly be arriving in Peterborough. Change here for services to Yorkshire, Lincolnshire, Nottinghamshire, Hertfordshire, Cambridgeshire... and Essex, no shire."
 

Kilopylae

Member
Joined
9 Apr 2019
Messages
207
Location
South-west England
Here in rural GWRland (Devon) you hear some great ones. A favourite of mine was when the guard walked into the carriage and cheerfully announced "tickets, passes, railcards and excuses, please." That same gentleman also referred to "Starcross-on-the-Mud," and when we arrived at Exeter Central, informed us that we could "exit here for the bins side of town and Exeter Prison," and that "as there are barriers in operation, you will need your ticket to escape the station."
 

Nick_C

Member
Joined
30 Jan 2020
Messages
32
Location
Hampshire
On 9 February 2019 I heard this automated announcement at 22:11 "Stand clear of Platform 18, the next train is not scheduled to stop at this station"

I was a bit concerned as I was standing on the concourse at Waterloo at the time. I am glad to say that 707001 & 707013 did stop when they arrived at platform 18, as I caught them as the 22:22 to Weybridge.

The wonders of automated announcements, I think this was because Wimbledon SC had not allocated the platform for the 22:22 before the inward service arrived.
I've seen that on the displays at Portsmouth Harbour as well, even funnier there given the sheer drop into the water the other side of the concourse...
 

ashkeba

Established Member
Joined
13 May 2019
Messages
1,364
I've seen that on the displays at Portsmouth Harbour as well, even funnier there given the sheer drop into the water the other side of the concourse...

(Montparnasse 1895)
 

Top