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Forum Jokes
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DasLunatic
Member
- Joined
- 11 May 2015
- Messages
- 696
Before he died, Alan Rickman and Samuel L Jackson were discussing ideas for a future film. They talked for hours, but came up with only one - Snapes On A Plane.
HMS Ark Royal
Established Member
"Enough is enough... I have had it with these mother f*****g Potters on this mother f*****g Hogwarts"
krus_aragon
Established Member
I've just been violently tickled by my wife for reading this one out to her. :/
90019
Established Member
Eating clocks is really time consuming.
125Forever
Member
A guy goes to the Doctor:
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's my T's and my H's'
Doctor replies 'well you can't say fairer than that!'
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's my T's and my H's'
Doctor replies 'well you can't say fairer than that!'
Dom395
Member
When I was a kid you could walk into a corner shop with £1 and walk out with 2 cokes, 3 chocolate bars and a magazine. Now there's CCTV everywhere.
P.S. I must stress that despite the fact I wear a hoodie all the time and use my menacing look to stop people sitting near me on the train I do not steal things xD
P.S. I must stress that despite the fact I wear a hoodie all the time and use my menacing look to stop people sitting near me on the train I do not steal things xD
cjp
Member
The guy who drank Tippex thought it was liquid Viagra woke up next day with a massive correction!
Sorry.
Sorry.
Passenger John
Member
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Guy rushes in from work and plants himself on the couch and puts on the TV. ' Quick bring me a beer before it starts!' His wife, a little perplexed by this demand goes through to the kitchen and dutily brings her husband the beer to which he cracks it open and downs it in one. 'Quick, bring me another beer before it starts!' Getting slightly annoyed, again she fetches his beer to which he cracks it open and downs it in one swoop. 'Hurry up and bring me a beer before it starts' he barks at the wife. Understandably, she goes apoplectic and goes into a 3 minute tirade of temper and abuse. The guy, calm as you like looks up and says 'Sh*t, it's started!'
Trog
Established Member
A bloke on a tractor just drove passed me shouting " the end of the world is nigh"
I think it was Farmer Geddon
I think it was Farmer Geddon
Here's another from me 
A blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it.
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Ok, thanks, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it.
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Ok, thanks, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop.
EbbwJunction1
Established Member
- Joined
- 25 Mar 2010
- Messages
- 1,565
Just thought someone might be interested.......
A mate of mine has 2 tickets in an Executive Box for the FA Cup Final at Wembley on 27th May. Accommodation and prepaid travel is included. However, when he bought the package he didn't realize this was going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to take his place, it's at St. Peter's Church, in Stratford on Avon, at 3:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'6" about 8 Stone and a good cook. She earns £130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.
A mate of mine has 2 tickets in an Executive Box for the FA Cup Final at Wembley on 27th May. Accommodation and prepaid travel is included. However, when he bought the package he didn't realize this was going to be on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to take his place, it's at St. Peter's Church, in Stratford on Avon, at 3:00 pm. Her name is Louise. She's 5'6" about 8 Stone and a good cook. She earns £130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.
HMS Ark Royal
Established Member
Which Canadian singer is involved with the Class 230 creation?
Justin VivaRail
Justin VivaRail
krus_aragon
Established Member
Just don't get VivaRail mixed up with ViaRail.
You could confuse things further by catching a Viva bus to get you to your ViaRail train in Toronto (with connecting subway journey).
Techniquest
Veteran Member
cjp
Member
Then there is guy who drank Tippex thinking it was a form of liquid Viagra -
woke up next day with a massive correction!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
When you are dead you don’t know you are dead, it is only difficult for others.
It’s the same for stupid people.
woke up next day with a massive correction!
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
When you are dead you don’t know you are dead, it is only difficult for others.
It’s the same for stupid people.
Last edited:
341o2
Established Member
- Joined
- 17 Oct 2011
- Messages
- 1,907
lady goes into a chemists and asks "do you sell viagra?"
"Yes, we do"
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can if I take two"
"Yes, we do"
"Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can if I take two"
cjp
Member
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply again We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. Im dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he cant tell you what it is because youre not a monk.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
A fellow turns to his wife in bed and whispers: Did you know that today is National Orgasm Day?
Oh, what a pity, she said, Right in the middle of National Headache Week!!
The monks graciously accept him, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply again We cant tell you. Youre not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. Im dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he cant tell you what it is because youre not a monk.
--- old post above --- --- new post below ---
A fellow turns to his wife in bed and whispers: Did you know that today is National Orgasm Day?
Oh, what a pity, she said, Right in the middle of National Headache Week!!
CarlSilva
Member
- Joined
- 3 Jul 2016
- Messages
- 144
Love it. Reminds me of thsi one.
Chas & Dave are recording a new single with Samuel L Jackson. It's called "Knees Up Mother****er"
cjp
Member
I was at the pub the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?
One of them angrily screeched, Its Wales ... Wales, you bloody idiot.
So I replied, I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?
And thats the last thing I remember.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?
One of them angrily screeched, Its Wales ... Wales, you bloody idiot.
So I replied, I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?
And thats the last thing I remember.
krus_aragon
Established Member
I was expecting the image to read something like this one:
ACHTUNG!
DAS KOMPUTERMASCHINE IST NICHT FÜR DER GEFINGERPOKEN UND MITTENGRABEN! IS EASY SCHNAPPEN DER SPRINGENWERK, BLOWENFUSEN UND POPPENCORKEN MIT SPITZENSPARKEN.
IST NICHT FUR GEWERKEN BY DAS DUMMKOPFEN. DER RUBBERNECKEN SIGHTSEEREN KEEPEN HANDS IN DAS POCKETS.
RELAXEN UND WATCH DAS BLINKENLIGHTS.
cjp
Member
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cops expense!
Irish cop says, License and registration, please.
London Lawyer says, What for?
Irish cop says, Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
London Lawyer says, I slowed down, and no one was coming.
Irish cop says, Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.
London Lawyer says,
Whats the difference?
Irish cop says, The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!
London Lawyer says, If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, Ill give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and dont give me the ticket.
Irish cop says, Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says,
Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?
Irish cop says, License and registration, please.
London Lawyer says, What for?
Irish cop says, Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.
London Lawyer says, I slowed down, and no one was coming.
Irish cop says, Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.
London Lawyer says,
Whats the difference?
Irish cop says, The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!
London Lawyer says, If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, Ill give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and dont give me the ticket.
Irish cop says, Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says,
Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?
Jetlagged
Member
- Joined
- 13 Jul 2015
- Messages
- 197
I was expecting the image to read something like this one:
.
Which reminded me of this gem...
Glossary of English / German Motoring Terms
INDICATORS - Die blinkenleitenmitticken furturnen
BONNET - Der pullnob und fingerpinscherknucklechoppen
EXHAUST - Das spitzenpoppenbangentuben
SPEEDOMETER - Der egobooster und lineschootinbackeruppen
CLUTCH - Der kuplink mit schlippen und shaken
PUNCTURE - Das pflatt mit bludyhellendamnundblasten
LEARNER - Das dumkopff mit elplatz
ESTATE CAR - Der schnogginwagen mit bagzeroomfurrompininderback
PARKING METER - Der clockenwerrinfiftypenzpinscher
WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenfloppenmucjenschpredder
POWER BRAKES - Die schtoppenquick mit edbangenonderwindskreen
FUEL GUAGE - Der walletemptyingmeter
BREATHALYSER - Die blowineerfurp*ssartist
REARVIEW-MIRROR - Der datbastadisttookklosen
SEAT BELT - Der klunkenclicken frauleintrapper
HEADLIGHTS - Der dippendontdazzelbasted
EXHAUST FUMES - Der koffenschpluttenairpolluten
HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipenfurarsen
FOG WARNING - Die puttenclogdownen und fukkitt
REAR SEAT - Der schpringentester
TYRES - Das pflattfharts
BACKFIRE - Der lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengrettrukken
ACCIDENT - Der bludymess
NEAR MISS - Der pfewennearschittennselfen
GARAGE - Die heiwayrobebrung
CYCLIST - Der pedallpuschinkpilloken
SKID - Der bananenwaltzen
DOUBLE WHITE LINES - Das offertakeifudair und krunchitt
AIR HORNS - Der vhatderhellvosdatklaxenfanfaren
MINI - Die buzzbocksen mit trafficveerinkfistschakin und fingerraisin
MOTOR CLUB - Der meetinhaus furtungwaggin, elbowraisin und chattinupderberdz
CROSSROAD - Das Kussundkersenschvervinstrassekrossen
ROUNDABOUT - Der eeoohezitaetesizloszt
T-JUNCTION - Das vergutenssakendontgoschtrateonnenkorner
Frohe Weihnachten!
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