Forum Jokes

[GW43125]

Sorry to be a pain, but can I just take the opportunity to inform everyone that the forum is read by people who are unable to see images, so can we please have text descriptions or quotes (as appropriate) so that we can be as inclusive as possible please?

If an image contains text, the text can be quoted, otherwise a description of the image would be great.

The same requirement applies when providing hyperlinks to, or referring to, any external content, as it can be very difficult for blind people to navigate to external sites (and get past all the menus and potentially adverts) and back again, and also external content may get moved/changed/removed.

Once again sorry to be a pain and many thanks in advance for your co-operation. I know several of our members really do appreciate this!

I have since edited the post accordingly.

 

[341o2]

This was sent to me as a meme (image) text reads

Elderly couple - She "I think I am loosing my mind"
He "I'm not surprised, you've been giving me a piece of it for years"

 

[E_Reeves]

A few science ones:

If you have a problem, dissolve it in water and then you get a solution.

What do you call an acid with an attitude. An a-mean-oh acid

Have you got any jokes about Sodium? Na

All the best science jokes Argon

 

[GW43125]

A few science ones:

If you have a problem, dissolve it in water and then you get a solution.

What do you call an acid with an attitude. An a-mean-oh acid

Have you got any jokes about Sodium? Na

All the best science jokes Argon

I slapped my neon that one.

Titrations are like parties. Some drop the acid, some drop the base.

Sodium Hydroxide is a very basic solution.

OK, I'll stop.

 

[Pinza-C55]

Last Halloween I went to a fancy dress party at my local dressed as a car key. The landlord threw me out because I looked like i might start something.

 

[Pinza-C55]

I've been watching far too much television lately. My dreams have adverts in them now.

 

[najaB]

A few science ones...

Kind of science-related. The answering machine message at the university maths department goes "You have reached an imaginary number, please rotate your phone by 90 degrees and dial again."

 

[GW43125]

Kind of science-related. The answering machine message at the university maths department goes "You have reached an imaginary number, please rotate your phone by 90 degrees and dial again."

i didn't see that coming.

OK, i'll get my coat...

 

[Pinza-C55]

While the wife was in the kitchen cooking breakfast I suddenly heard a loud thud. Running in I found her collapsed on the floor & not breathing. I was in a blind frenzy, I had no idea what to do. Then i remembered, Wetherspoons do an all day breakfast for just £3.99

 

[EM2]

In a restaurant, perusing the menu.

Waiter: Would you like to hear the specials?

Me: Oh, yes please.

Waiter: This town...aah-aah...is coming like a ghost town...

 

[najaB]

Found out today that I'm colour blind. That one came right out of the purple.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

In a restaurant, perusing the menu.

Waiter: Would you like to hear the specials?

Me: Oh, yes please.

Waiter: This town...aah-aah...is coming like a ghost town...

Thanks- You've just embarrassed me by making me laugh out loud on the train... that's brilliant though!

I should probably stop reading this thread when out in public, it's happening too often and people will talk...

 

[E_Reeves]

Found out today that I'm colour blind. That one came right out of the purple.

Haha! That's a good one

 

[EM2]

My wife said she's going to leave me, because I'm obsessed with The Monkees.
I thought she was joking.....
and then I saw her face.

 

[EM2]

'My wife went on a sailing course in Poole Harbour.'
'In Dorset?'
'Oh yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.'

 

[GW43125]

A bit of a dark one here, but here goes:
Michael Stipe (of R.E.M)'s wife was in hospital in a coma.
having decided to go home, he left his wife for the night and said to the doctor as he left "callmewhenyoutrytowakeherup".
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, wonders why he wants to phone someone in Jamaica.

 

[EM2]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.

He's español...

 

[GW43125]

My dog only responds to commands in Spanish.

He's español...

I went to a zoo which only had two lions and a dog.
It was a sh*tzu

 

[341o2]

Last Halloween I went to a fancy dress party at my local dressed as a car key. The landlord threw me out because I looked like i might start something.

I went also with girl strapped to my back. I was asked what I had come as.

well, I am a snail and this is Michelle

 

[Adlington]

Not all Germans are in awe of their national train operator....
Senk ju for träveling wis Deutsche Bahn

 

[341o2]

A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a beer only to be told "We don't serve string here"

So it goes to a passerby and asks to be tied up like a pretzel and have the ends teased out.

In this new guise, it goes back into the bar and orders a beer. The barman looks suspicious "Aren't you that piece of string I refused to serve just now?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[61653 HTAFC]

A travelling salesman is driving through rural Kansas when he sees, running alongside his car, a 3-legged chicken. Impressed that it can keep up with him at 40 mph, he puts his foot down and the chicken also speeds up, keeping pace with him past 50... then 60... and eventually he decides this impromptu race is a little bit dangerous, so he slows down and the chicken runs off into the distance.

A few miles later he arrives in a little one-horse town and stops to stretch his legs, so he goes into a gas station and gets talking to the hillbilly behind the counter. He mentions this mysterious 3-legged chicken and the hillbilly says "oh, that'll be one of mine. My wife and I and our son all like a leg from the chicken, so I started breeding some with 3 legs so we can all get one."
"How do these fancy chickens taste?" asks the salesman
"I don't know" replies the hillbilly "I haven't been able to catch one yet!"

 

[Cowley]

A travelling salesman is driving through rural Kansas when he sees, running alongside his car, a 3-legged chicken. Impressed that it can keep up with him at 40 mph, he puts his foot down and the chicken also speeds up, keeping pace with him past 50... then 60... and eventually he decides this impromptu race is a little bit dangerous, so he slows down and the chicken runs off into the distance.

A few miles later he arrives in a little one-horse town and stops to stretch his legs, so he goes into a gas station and gets talking to the hillbilly behind the counter. He mentions this mysterious 3-legged chicken and the hillbilly says "oh, that'll be one of mine. My wife and I and our son all like a leg from the chicken, so I started breeding some with 3 legs so we can all get one."
"How do these fancy chickens taste?" asks the salesman
"I don't know" replies the hillbilly "I haven't been able to catch one yet!"

My dad (on here as Oerlikon actually) told me that joke in about 1984 except he set it in Cornwall in his version. Great to hear it again.

 

[341o2]

reminds me of

a travelling salesman's car breaks down. He sees a farm nearby, so knocks up the farmer to see if there is any avaliable transport
well....the farmer goes to a shed, inside is an enormous chicken.
After some persuasion, the salesman is sitting on a cart pulled by the chicken. Gets going
"Not bad, I wonder what it will do flat out?". So he whips up the chicken, the harness breaks, and he's left in the road sitting on a cart.
Up comes a police car "Now what is going on here?"
"Officer, you won't believe this - me big hens gone!"

And then to this.

A car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, the driver is under the bonnet when a voice says "the distributor - check the wiring"
all he can see is a horse looking over the fence, and he hears the same thing again. He checks again and finds a loose wire.
Seeing a local pub, he stops off and is telling the story to those present when he is asked
"What colour was the horse?"
"A bay"
"Well, you be dead lucky, as normally there is a chestnut in that field, and you don't want to listen to him - he don't know nothing about cars"

 

[northwichcat]

"I wouldn't fancy being Michael Gove this morning! Not because anything in particular's happened. It's just always true." Dave Gorman.

 

[341o2]

After the local rag had the headline "Police hunt for man with axe after aggravated burglary" and someone asked whether this is now standard police equipment reminded me of the following headlines

Prostitutes appeal to the Pope
Juvenile court to try shooting defendants
Two Soviet vessels collide. One dies

 

[Calthrop]

Or the headline "Man mugged by canal". Dodgy, anti-social things, these inland waterways...

 

[341o2]

Tiger Woods plays with own balls - Nike

 

[northwichcat]

Russell Brand joined a queue at Toronto Airport, when he got to the front he was stopped from going any further by a lady at the desk. She said "I think you misheard the announcement sir, this is the queue for Regina."

 

[northwichcat]

On her arrival back in the UK Priti Patel walked through the 'Nothing to Declare' channel.