Forum Jokes

[Cowley]

My girlfriend said I was mad when I told her I planned to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Very good.

 

[Cowley]

"You won't like me when I'm angry... because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources" said The Credible Hulk

Also very good.

 

[Calthrop]

Truly ancient and awful one --

Tramp to farmer: You got any odd jobs, mister?
Farmer: Well, you could go and milk the bull...

 

[EM2]

I was going to have a Hawaiian pizza for lunch, but I burned it. Should've cooked it on aloha setting...

 

[MotCO]

My girlfriend said I was mad when I told her I planned to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

I once built a wooden car. It had a wooden body, a wooden engine, and wooden go!

 

[EM2]

WARNING: This is long, and probably not worth your while!

The circus is in real trouble. The crowds aren't coming any more, and if they can't sell out in this town, that'll be it.
The ringmaster puts up a big poster while they're setting up the Big Top, advertising for new acts.
A little while later, a chap come to see the ringmaster.
'I've got an act for you. You won't have seen anything like it in your life.'
'Really? What is it?'
'I can catch a cannonball in my teeth.'
'You mean catch a bullet?'
'No, an actual cannonball.'
'Wow. Well, if you can really do that, I'll put you on tonight.'
'You won't regret it!'

So the ringmaster gets the whole circus together, and they go on a big walk around the town, proclaiming The Man Who Will Catch A Cannonball In His Teeth! Posters go up, they've got the megaphones out, the whole lot.
An hour before showtime, the place is sold out! The press and TV are there, it's huge! The circus starts, the clowns, the trapeze, the strongman all do their bit to, well, indifference basically.
The ringmaster comes out. The lights go down and he is in the single spotlight.
'Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's the moment you've all been waiting for! Never seen before, it is time for The Man Who Will Catch A Cannonball In His Teeth!!!'

Out comes the fella, who stands on a podium on one side of the ring. The cannon is set up on the other side.
The ringmaster gets the crowd to count down from ten...
BANG!!! goes the cannon, the ball flies across the tent and hits the fella slap bang in the mush. He falls down flat, and doesn't move. Absolutely brown bread.
Of course, there's uproar, the crowd storm out, the press and TV are all over things. Negative publicity everywhere, that's it, the circus is going to be done for.

The emergency services arrive.
The paramedics check everything, and although he's very seriously hurt, the performer isn't dead. They put him in the ambulance and take him off to hospital.
The ringmaster feels so guilty. He goes to the hospital and sits by the man's bed every day.
He's there for a year, every day come rain or shine.
One day, he sees the man's little finger move. He's conscious!
Little by little, he manages to lift his hand and beckon the ringmaster over to the bed. The ringmaster gets closer, and the guy keeps beckoning. The ringmaster is eventually bent down, with his face millimetres from the patient.
Slowly, ever so slowly, the performer takes off his oxygen mask, and in the smallest, tiniest voice that the ringmaster has ever heard, says:
v

v

v

v

v

'Ta-da!'

 

[61653 HTAFC]

A vegan, a Catholic and a Jehovah's Witness all sat down at my table on the train...

I knew it within 30 seconds!

 

[341o2]

A man enters a bar with a cod under his arm and asks "Do you serve fish cakes here?"
"No, we don't"
"Pity, it's his birthday"

A piece of string goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
"We don't serve string here"
So the string goes outside and asks a passerby to tie him up like a pretzel and tease the ends out. Reenters the bar and asks for a beer
"Aren't you that piece of string I refused to serve just now?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot!"

 

[pemma]

Recruitment agent: "We have a vacancy for cleaning staff at Manchester Piccadilly station"
Job seeker "All right but if any drivers turn up on a steam train then I'm not cleaning them."

 

[Calthrop]

At a remote wayside bar in the mountains in Nepal, a yeti comes in one day, and asks for a pint of beer.

Initially, the barman jumps out of his skin; but since the giant hairy visitor seems harmless and peaceable, he calms down, and reflects that this might be a good opportunity for him. "He won't know much about humans and how they do things," he thinks; "I can charge him whatever I like".

"That'll be five hundred rupees," he says. (The standard price is 75.)

The yeti reaches into assorted recesses of his person and brings out, bit by bit, five hundred rupees in filthy, crumpled notes of assorted denominations; the transaction duly takes place, and the yeti sits down at a table to enjoy his beer.

The barman can't help but feel curious about the whole business; and after a few minutes, ventures to say, "You know, we don't get many yetis in here."

The "Abominable" replies: "At five hundred rupees a pint, are you surprised?"

 

[Warwick]

A man is called to the hospital - his wife has been involved in an accident.
The doctor takes the man to one side and says,
"I don't like the look of your wife".
"Nor do I Doctor but she's great with the kids and is a really good cook".

 

[pemma]

At a remote wayside bar in the mountains in Nepal, a yeti comes in one day, and asks for a pint of beer.

Initially, the barman jumps out of his skin; but since the giant hairy visitor seems harmless and peaceable, he calms down, and reflects that this might be a good opportunity for him. "He won't know much about humans and how they do things," he thinks; "I can charge him whatever I like".

"That'll be five hundred rupees," he says. (The standard price is 75.)

The yeti reaches into assorted recesses of his person and brings out, bit by bit, five hundred rupees in filthy, crumpled notes of assorted denominations; the transaction duly takes place, and the yeti sits down at a table to enjoy his beer.

The barman can't help but feel curious about the whole business; and after a few minutes, ventures to say, "You know, we don't get many yetis in here."

The "Abominable" replies: "At five hundred rupees a pint, are you surprised?"

On a more serious note if what was shown on 'Holidays from Hell' was an accurate representation, don't ever comment on something being expensive if you visit Nepal the locals find it highly offensive.

 

[PG]

Cat Deeley for PM would probably get more support.

I'm sure they could use that one at Huddersfield... "This train is x mintues late. This is due to a Cat Dee-Ley" (groans)

 

[61653 HTAFC]

A man is called to the hospital - his wife has been involved in an accident.
The doctor takes the man to one side and says,
"I don't like the look of your wife".
"Nor do I Doctor but she's great with the kids and is a really good cook".

On a similar note:
There's a queue outside the football ground at 2:30pm on Saturday, and progress is slow... the queueing punters get chatting when suddenly a funeral cortege passes by. One fan sees this, removes his flat cap and bows his head silently until the line of black vehicles has passed out of sight. Another fella taps him on the shoulder and says "well done mate, that was really respectful. Most of us here didn't even notice the thing". The first gentleman sighs, adjusts his cap and replies "well it was the least I could do, she was a good wife for nigh on forty years".

 

[AndrewE]

Told to me by a Potter:
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform. Terry had married a woman from Kent and bragged that he had told her to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.

James had married a woman from Norfolk and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he hadn’t seen any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said he had married a Stokie girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.
He said that the first day he didn’t see anything,
the second day he didn’t see anything,
but the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.

 

[pemma]

Northern guard walks through the train shouting "Tickets please."

A passenger shows him a BR pass. The guard says "That expired over 20 years ago, you can't use it now."

The passenger responds "Double standards. This train expired 20 years ago but you're still using it."

 

[Jona26]

When I applied for a job as a litter collector in the local park I asked the interviewer if any training was provided.

He replied.....

Wait for it.....

Drum roll please.....

"No, you'll pick it up as you go along!"

 

[317666]

Apologies if this one has already been had...

Last night I was about to run a bath but noticed a huge spider in it. The missus said "Don't kill it, just take it out!". So, we went round to the local and had a few, turned out he was quite a cool guy. Wants to be a web designer.

 

[DaveHarries]

I rang to report an accident at work that wasn't my fault. However I have since had several boxes of shellfish delivered to my house. I must have called Clams Direct by mistake.

Dave

 

[Calthrop]

From another message board's "Stupid Jokes Thread" --

Did you hear about the thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

 

[Adlington]

Shamelessly lifted from NewsBiscuit.

Initial investigations into the breakdown of a high-speed train just north of Exeter indicate that it should have been travelling more slowly in recognition of the speed at which the local population gets things done.

The train operator GWR apologised for the breakdown via social media but, as Twitter is considered a bit frantic in Devon, GWR also plans to issue hand-written letters. They should reach everyone by a week next Wednesday if they can post them in the next couple of days.

Local residents weren’t surprised that the train came to a standstill, however. ‘All that rushing about, no-one needs none of that and these new high-speed trains are not right,’ explained Mrs Jan Hewlett. ‘They should learn to take their time and only when they’ve been doing things at our pace for 20 years will they be accepted around here.’

A GWR spokesman said that automatic rolling stock velocity management systems based on measurements of the local pace of life were being trialled, with trains hurtling out of London and slowing down as they approach the West Country. ‘However, we’re having a few teething troubles,’ he admitted. ‘They tend to come to a complete halt as they approach Penzance

 

[bnm]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.

“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”

 

[Condor7]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead,” the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora” and sits back down.

“Thanks,” the woman says, “that means a lot.”

Best joke on here for a while, although I did have to explain it to the first two people I told it to.

 

[pemma]

A man and a woman are getting a divorce, a judge says the woman should get 75% and the man should get 25%. The man picks up an item and says "Right let's split this fairly I'll take the pin and you take the grenade."

 

[AlterEgo]

Manchester United.

 

[LOL The Irony]

Manchester United.

You mean the Board?

 

[zuriblue]

I had the pleasure today of meeting Richard Littlejohn. A fine gentleman and a talented journalist.

I had a coffee and an interesting conversation with all three of them.

 

[al78]

A woman was boating on a lake with fishing equipment when a local ranger approached.

Ranger: "Excuse me, I'm going to have to escort you back to shore."
Woman: "Why?"
Ranger: "For fishing illegally."
Woman: "But i am not fishing."
Ranger: "But you have all the equipment, and could start at any moment."
Woman: "In that case, I am going to report you for sexual assault."
Ranger: "But I haven't laid a finger on you."
Woman: "No, but you have all the equipment, and could start at any moment."

 

[pemma]

In America a man walks in to a diner and the serving girl is extremely rude to him. He sees a man walk past with a name tag saying "John Assistant Manager" so he says "Excuse me. That girl just has been extremely rude to me." John replies "If you think she has been rude then you should see our manageress."

 

[Geezertronic]

I went round Grandads to walk his dog. As I was leaving the house, he said "Don't forget poo bags!". I was like "This way Nan"

Gary Delaney joke