Is this person being supportive or critical here? Please could you help me interpret this?

[JDi]

***Hi - I have edited my first post on this thread since it was merged so that the voting can be seen first***

------Here is my post/question below - please vote on it -----__


I know that I have posted on here about this before but have struggled to interpret some responses, as I tend to prefer objectivity.

I therefore just thought threat I would create one last thread on this, asking posters to vote objectively (no explanation), so I will get a more objective response that I can understand.

The question is:
'Do you think that these people aren't my friends?'

The potential responses are:

1/ Person 1 is my friend but Person 2 isn't.

2/ Person 2 is my friend but Person 1 isn't.

3/ Both of these people are my friends.

4/ Neither of these people are my friends.

Thank you very much for helping me gain an objective understanding on this.

The information is:

I recently got some messages on social media from some people who I knew from a few years ago. I have Aspergers and struggle a lot to interpret messages like thie because of the effects of this on me I also tend to overanalyse messages and most of the time reach the wrong conclusions.

1. 
   Please can I have some advise as to whether you think these people are my friends or not?
   
   The first message from Person 1 said:
   
   'First of all you need to chill. You are not a retard. The dictionary definition does not apply to you because you are social and you know how to interact with people. Only you can change your loneliness. Throw caution to the wind. Join a club/society. Ignore those who insult you - you have dealt with worse at school. If you think you have no friends then you are wrong. Look up the definition of friend in a dictionary and apply it to people you know. It's not all about uni work. You need to put yourself out there and friends will come your way.'
   
   I think that the 'You need to put yourself out there and friends will come your way' suggests that this person doesn't consider me as a friend as 'friends will come your way' implies that they think that I have none, including them.
   
   and the second message from Person 2 said: 'Just because you don't always talk to friends doesn't mean they aren't always there for you. Also, please never assume a person doesn't care about you just because they haven't told you so... I hope today has made you realise how many friends you have '.
   
   
   I haven't saw either of these people for quite a long time now, although the messages are both fairly recent. I have them both on Facebook and we are in touch quite infrequently. Do you think that the people who sent me these messages are my friends? In particular, what is the significance of the ellipsis in the second message? Also, in the first message, I haven't saw this person for a few years now, so how can they so confidently say 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong'?

----- Below is what was originally the first post, but is less relevant now because I feel objective voting (as above) is more helpful --------------


I have just been thinking about a message I received a few nights ago...

I was feeling pretty down a few nights ago, and posted some stupid messages to some of the contacts on my Facebook page, as I had so much work to do and was a bit stressed out/lonely. I posted stuff saying that I feel lonely and I have no friends, as I am so stressed with Uni work.

One person got back to me and he said 'If you think you have no friends then you are wrong. Look up the definition of friend in a dictionary and apply it to people you know'.

I didn't know how to feel - one one hand, it just makes me feel that no one understands the amount of pressure that can build up with essays. On the other - I feel bad, as I am thinking what if he thought I was his friend, but because I was upset and told him I have no friends (because I was feeling lonely), he may hate me now.

Under what context would you say to someone (after they have said to you 'I have no friends') 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong...'?

 

[najaB]

Under what context would you say to someone (after they have said to you 'I have no friends') 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong...'?

It sounds to me like you have a friend there. And if he's really your friend he doesn't hate you.

He might be mad as heck at you, but won't hate you.

 

[gazthomas]

I can emphasise with both perspectives. Having been in an a similar situation to you I think you needed to ask your friends to support you through what you're going through. Everyone is busy and nobody is a mind reader, so everyone needs a nudge from time to time.

Trust me - my mum died when I was just 21, my wife when I was 39. I've been made redundant from work twice, the last time recently. Don't be a victim - if you need support ask for it.

 

[yorkie]

It is good advice.

And I hope you took (or go on to take) my advice I gave you after a previous thread.

 

[RichmondCommu]

I didn't know how to feel - one one hand, it just makes me feel that no one understands the amount of pressure that can build up with essays. On the other - I feel bad, as I am thinking what if he thought I was his friend, but because I was upset and told him I have no friends (because I was feeling lonely), he may hate me now.

I think you'll find that everyone who has been to university knows that feeling. The trick is to draw up a plan and stick to it. If you're constantly leaving things to the last minute you need to make some changes or else your in danger of messing up your degree.

Getting a good nights sleep always helps with every situation.

 

[JDi]

I was feeling a little bit lonely recently - my studies got in top of me and I was feeling a little isolated socially. I said on Facebook to some people that I felt that I had no friends - all of the academic pressure was making me a bit unwell before my assignments were spaced out.

They responded 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong. Look up the definition of friend in a dictionary and apply it to people you know'.

Another said to me 'you do have friends and can talk to me anytime'

My question is how can these people be so confident that I do have friends? They're no longer with me (i.e. We separated geographically and I haven't saw these people for a long time - I hadn't spoken to either of these people for nearly a year before hand and then probably a year or two before that).

Immeresing myself in studies can at times makes me feel lonely, and in the absence of people immediately around me, I can feel that I have no friends. I don't really speak to people anymore from school anymore and get very few messages by text/social media.

How can these people say that I 'do have friends' and 'if you think you have no friends then you are wrong' when I can feel so lonely and friendless at times?

 

[fowler9]

Mate your real friends are the ones you can go years without seeing and when you do see them it is like you were never apart. Not sure how old you are but I am guessing you are younger than my 42 years. As I got older I tended to find and accept that your life is in a constant state of flux. You aren't just out with your best mate every day. Also you have to remember that you get out what you put in. You have to contact other people and not just wait for them to contact you. Have a look at what you can do to socialise where you are now away from your studies. Get away from the books sometimes.

 

[richw]

I’ve moved away from home. My good mates I perhaps see annually at most, but we message maybe weekly. They despite this are people I know if I need anything will be the first ones there for me.
I’ve made some friends since moving, social, but not the kind who’d come running to me in a time of need or vice versa.

 

[JDi]

Someone was recently advising me about my study skills and future career ambitions.

They said: 'I'm glad I could help. But now you have established some career goals focus on them. Don't think you might make them. You could still be a lecturer and a politician in one life - we all know we need good MPs.'

I struggle to interpret messages like this in any instance, but I am especially confused by the 'Don't think you might make them' bit. Are they being supportive or critical here? Do you think that they are a friend and that what they are saying is supportive or is this part critical?

 

[AlterEgo]

They are saying you should keep your options open. People rarely achieve specific career goals in my experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good to have them.

What you should definitely do is assess your strengths and play to them. I think that’s very important for people with Asperger’s to realise, because often they have marked weaknesses in some areas and extraordinary strengths in others. For example, if you’re having consistent trouble interpreting what people say, or their emotions, or their implied meaning, you might want to choose a career which avoids managing people and focus on something more theoretical or operational.

 

[najaB]

My question is how can these people be so confident that I do have friends? They're no longer with me (i.e. We separated geographically and I haven't saw these people for a long time - I hadn't spoken to either of these people for nearly a year before hand and then probably a year or two before that).

I've not seen my best friend for over 12 years, yet he's still my best friend.

As to how they can be sure that you have friends - I think they may have been including themselves in that description!

 

[najaB]

They are saying you should keep your options open. People rarely achieve specific career goals in my experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not good to have them.

So true. As far as I know only two people in my secondary school graduating class are in the career that they said they were going to have.

 

[JDi]

I worry a lot about if I will ever get a good job once I graduate - I can't really think of any which don't involve managing people (which I'm not that good at!).

What does 'don't think you might make them' mean? This sounded des quite critical, as if I won't?

 

[Steveman]

Poster JDI - You now have 4 separate threads all running on more or less the same subject - (your mental anxiety) have you thought of perhaps consolidating them all into one thread ?

 

[gazthomas]

I take it as being realistic. If you focus too much on goals it might impair your long term happiness, which is much more important

 

[PeterC]

In my life I have had the rug pulled out from my chosen career paths twice by changes in the underlying industries.

While you need to focus on your goals you have to keep in mind that externalities may simply sweep those targets away so you need flexibility as well.

 

[martin2345uk]

Plus there’s hundreds of jobs not involving managing people!

 

[JDi]

Do you think that this advice is supportive or mean?

 

[martin2345uk]

People have already told you it’s not mean

 

[JDi]

Are they good jobs though?

Ever since I was 3, my parents always emphasises the need not to 'fall behind'. This, over the years, has manifested in academic perfectionism and high ambitions. I am very tough on myself at times. I already feel like a pathetic failure in some ways for having so limited social skills and feeling that I have no friends. I put in so much work at school that delays to my University career (because I was bullied and manipulated by an evil student who has since been kicked out) have made me feel that even if I graduate with a First, I will be a failure as I will have fallen behind all of my peers. It can break me seeing people who had a good balance between studying and social at school (whilst I studied all of the time) getting on and doing better than me. I worked so much harder than them - there is no justice. I lost two years of my life because I was bullied and no one cared about me enough in school to actually prepare me for University so that I would not suffer manipulation. I slipped under the radar at school and wasn't even diagnosed until University. I am back on track academically now (I am averaging a very high 2.1) in and have sort of put the bullying I suffered behind me (albeit now I have less confidence with people) but I can't get over the fact that I have lost two years, feel as if I have no friends and that I have fallen behind. Can I still get a good job with very limited social abilities?

 

[AlterEgo]

I worry a lot about if I will ever get a good job once I graduate - I can't really think of any which don't involve managing people (which I'm not that good at!).

What does 'don't think you might make them' mean? This sounded des quite critical, as if I won't?

I can think of a great deal of good jobs that don’t involve managing people. You could manage resources instead; that’s what I do, in a way. I don’t line manage anyone.

The person was saying you shouldn’t think you’re going to reach your goals because in reality very few people do.

 

[JDi]

I can think of a great deal of good jobs that don’t involve managing people. You could manage resources instead; that’s what I do, in a way. I don’t line manage anyone.

The person was saying you shouldn’t think you’re going to reach your goals because in reality very few people do.

Which type of resources do you manage and how does it work? What do you think the person was getting at with the part about lecturers/politicians and needing good MPs? I think they knew that this were my interests.

 

[AlterEgo]

Which type of resources do you manage and how does it work? What do you think the person was getting at with the part about lecturers/politicians and needing good MPs? I think they knew that this were my interests.

I manage a budget for social and digital media, and I control all of my organisation’s social media capabilities. I don’t manage a single person. There are thousands of jobs like this. It’s a good job because it pays well, I get good holidays and I have the freedom to pursue a hobby which draws in a second income stream.

I’m a bit puzzled by your friend suggesting you would be a good MP. If you struggle to understand nuance or what matters to people, and if you are being taken advantage of by others, and if you don’t know when someone’s being mean - then I would suggest this is exactly the sort of thing you wouldn’t find rewarding or successful. However, you might find that researching and developing policy for a party or a think tank might be a way to still be influential in politics without having to manage people, or deal too much in verbal jousting which you might find difficult.

Can I still get a good job with very limited social abilities?

Absolutely, but you have to learn what your strengths are. A good job is not defined by whether you manage people or not.

 

[JDi]

I manage a budget for social and digital media, and I control all of my organisation’s social media capabilities. I don’t manage a single person. There are thousands of jobs like this. It’s a good job because it pays well, I get good holidays and I have the freedom to pursue a hobby which draws in a second income stream.

I’m a bit puzzled by your friend suggesting you would be a good MP. If you struggle to understand nuance or what matters to people, and if you are being taken advantage of by others, and if you don’t know when someone’s being mean - then I would suggest this is exactly the sort of thing you wouldn’t find rewarding or successful. However, you might find that researching and developing policy for a party or a think tank might be a way to still be influential in politics without having to manage people, or deal too much in verbal jousting which you might find difficult.



Absolutely, but you have to learn what your strengths are. A good job is not defined by whether you manage people or not.

Ah wow, that sounds really interesting! Did you used to work for the Civil Service (i'm not sure if they were your posts)? How did you get a good job like that? I just hope that one day for all of my studying I will find a good job like yours that has nice colleagues, good work that makes a difference and leaves me with enough so I can enjoy a bit of life. I just worry that without many skills outside of academia, I will struggle in the real world.

I think they know that I have been broadly interested in politics from a young age. I was elected by a landslide on to the student council at school after my speech. I am perhaps now just finding it hard to settle outside of school and taking a bit more time than others to find my way.

My parents have instilled the attitude into me that if I am not the best in my year, I am a failure. Unfortunately as this started when I was 3, I have known no different, so even though after such a difficult start at Uni I am back and getting good marks, I still don't feel great about my achievements as I think that I have fallen behind.

 

[Bromley boy]

Absolutely, but you have to learn what your strengths are. A good job is not defined by whether you manage people or not.

Spot on.

It’s unfortunate that in many jobs, particularly professional roles, people end up managing others by dint of being technically good at the job and having the ability to win work. Ironically managerial ability is the lowest thing on the list!

As a result you can end with people in senior roles who are technically brilliant and great with clients, but dreadful at man-management!

OP, I think what your friend is really saying is that people these days can expect to have several careers. This is something to be embraced. I’m in exactly this position myself and certainly wouldn’t rule out a further change as and when the opportunity presents itself!

 

[takno]

Even if you find yourself having to manage people it can involve a range of different skills, from delegation to effective line management, planning, and recruitment. You can improve all of these skills to an extent with practice and training. In fact people who assume they are quite good at them often aren't - having an easy manner around people doesn't make it easier to manage their performance, and I'll take a line manager who is serious about developing me as a person over somebody friendly but useless any day.

 

[JamesRowden]

I think that you need to look at life as a journey where ups and downs are part of the story which makes life interesting.

Intelligence works by finding the correct answer by analysing things that go wrong. A person for which everything goes correct for will not learn anything. It is by trying, failing and then succeeding that we learn.

And also, why does one need to be the best, just work on improving yourself and enjoying life. Always aim to win everything but don't get too hung up when you lose something. Make that which you win an achievement and that which you lose an opportunity to improve yourself (or accept that there was nothing that you could have done to win if true and so it isn't a real failure).

I think that the best way to improve your social skills would be to join a university sports society for a sport which you enjoy or are fascinated by. Focus on improving at the sport and at the same time take the opportunities to practice and improve your social skills. An opportunity to manage something at the society may pop up and give you even more opportunity to practice and improve your people skills.

Your condition simply means that you have a different intuition to the standard one, meaning you need to rely more on logic, and other people misunderstand you because they are applying their model of a standard human which they have in their head. When you think that you might be getting obsessed about something, ask yourself in a purely rational mindset why that thing is really that important for a biological organism on Earth within a massive universe.

 

[Bromley boy]

Poster JDI - You now have 4 separate threads all running on more or less the same subject - (your mental anxiety) have you thought of perhaps consolidating them all into one thread ?

I would also agree with this - OP perhaps stick to the one thread and ask all your questions within it. That may be better from a forum housekeeping perspective.

 

[fowler9]

Someone was recently advising me about my study skills and future career ambitions.

They said: 'I'm glad I could help. But now you have established some career goals focus on them. Don't think you might make them. You could still be a lecturer and a politician in one life - we all know we need good MPs.'

I struggle to interpret messages like this in any instance, but I am especially confused by the 'Don't think you might make them' bit. Are they being supportive or critical here? Do you think that they are a friend and that what they are saying is supportive or is this part critical?

I think it is badly worded but I don't think it was meant to be critical. Trying to converse with people using social media etc. is an absolute minefield. People type things that just don't come across as well as if they had said them to you and you can appreciate the facial expressions, tone of voice and what have you. Life throws all kinds of stuff at you and sometimes you have to change your plans. You have to be flexible, just because you don't get what you originally wanted doesn't mean you cannot be happy. I wanted to be a train driver or a pilot as a job and that really hasn't worked out, my big goal really was to travel and despite not being a train driver or a pilot I have travelled more than most of the people on the planet.

You sound like someone much like myself who puts a lot of pressure on themselves, try not to do it, I know it is hard not to do but it will only make things worse. Have you looked at things like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy?

 

[Bromley boy]

I wanted to be a train driver or a pilot as a job and that really hasn't worked out, my big goal really was to travel and despite not being a train driver or a pilot I have travelled more than most of the people on the planet.

No reason why both goals shouldn’t be open to you at your age (from a previous thread you’re in your early 40s?) I say that as a recreational pilot, working on the commercial license, and professional train driver.

It’s all out there, you just have to go and get it.

Although interestingly a mate of mine who flies professionally doesn’t feel like he travels at all.

It’s a great job but it’s not the Shangri-la many believe.