UPS: Passengers get to the destination completely full of injuries.
NASA: Made awesome trains in the past. Its high-speed shuttle was full of design flaws and currently struggles to get a new train due to politics. Has been relying on Russian TE10's for the past couple of years.
Gillette: How many doors and wheels are too much?
Intel: Trying to keep up with Moore's Law, they're now trying to stack traction motors on top of each other to increase the tractive effort of their trains.
AMD: Too power hungry. Too hot to run. Couplers brake too easily.
nVidia: Just introduced the RTX line of trains. 2 times as expensive, route tracing is slow and hasn't increased the seating... at all...
Ford: Can't figure out why their trains don't sell in Japan.
HP: Diesel comes in specific cartridges. It costs more than the same weight in Silver Bullion. Maybe even 24k gold is cheaper!
Rolls-Royce: Posh looking stock built by hand, yet only used occasionally because it's more for posh and personally organised charter trains rather than commercial use on a regular day-to-day basis.
Alternatively Rolls Royce might make gas turbine powered, supersonic trains?
*ahem*
Rolls-Royce engine:
CP 0400 UDD, Portugal by
Biblioteca de Arte / Art Library Fundação Calouste Gulbenkian, on Flickr
Tesla: ROCKET TRAINS!! Followed by some inflammatory comments on the tannoy and then having Elon Muck replace the ticket collector halfway through.
How about this:
Tesla Super Transporter. Self-driving, high-speed cargo lorry transporter. Can couple to other trains along the way to its destination, charges electric lorries on-the-go and is 5 times cheaper than traditional rail and 15 times cheaper than road. Also battery powered outside electrified lines.
Didn't they do this already on Top Gear?