I was driving a Train that was in a collision with a person who clearly wanted to end his own life in June 2005. To be honest, i wasn't all that arsed, well, not emotionally anyway. I'm not saying that it didn't frighten the bejesus out of me, because it did. The fact that the elderly gentleman was doing what he wanted to do somehow made it more acceptable to me. Had it been an accident, murder, or some selfish act by a parent with their kid/s, then i'm sure i would find that much more difficult to deal with.
The Driver is always the forgotten party in such circumstances, but that's life i'm afraid. I remember there was one chinese lady on our train, moaning because she was going to late. I could have literally dragged her down to the track side and rubbed her face into the remnants left on the front coupler!
It's important to understand that everyone deals with grief in totally different ways. Some may say that i'm hard-faced, disrespectful to the dead even, but the way i see it, nobody who deems it necessary to end their own lives in front of my train is going to ruin my career and prevent me from providing for my family. I accept that i am probably just lucky in that i can departmentalise in a rational manner. I've spoken with several Drivers who have had similar experiences, and it's certainly good to talk about it. Some have coped well, and some not so well, but at the end of the day, we deal with it in the best way that we can.
I can fully sympathise with those Drivers who have found it difficult, or who have never returned to work after a fatality. There is no specific training on the railway for dealing with such incidents, as one never knows how one is going to react until it occurs.
The one thing that i will never forget is the bang. For me, that's a mental scar i'll take to the grave with me.
later on a manager offered chain of care so we went for a delicious cooked breakfast in Bishops cafe. I was off sick for two months. Counselling helped me to deal with what was a ****e year.