Funny Guard Announcements.

[deltic1989]

Just sat on the 14:33 Lincoln-Leicester, and the guard in his announcement of the station calls did so in the manner of a catholic priest singing a psalm at sunday mass. really got a laugh out of the passengers. He's also now coming down the train checing tickets singing his heart out, good to know the guy enjoys his work.
Had one guard the other week also who when announcing that the next station call would be Lowdham, said "the next stattion stop will be loooooowwwwwwddddham" in a way that made him sound worried the train wouldnt stop.

 

[seiryuu]

I had one guard on the Weymouth to London Waterloo service a couple of years back who announced that the train would be calling at Hogwarts

 

[Yew]

I had a robin hood line service who did the announcement in a 'cowboy' style

 

[Bellwater]

Just sat on the 14:33 Lincoln-Leicester, and the guard in his announcement of the station calls did so in the manner of a catholic priest singing a psalm at sunday mass. really got a laugh out of the passengers. He's also now coming down the train checing tickets singing his heart out, good to know the guy enjoys his work.
Had one guard the other week also who when announcing that the next station call would be Lowdham, said "the next stattion stop will be loooooowwwwwwddddham" in a way that made him sound worried the train wouldnt stop.

Haha, I know both.

 

[mullin]

Not quite the guard, but heading from Wigan to Oxenholme last monday, the virgin staff changed at Preston and the guy running the shop came on with a hilarious announcement about the shop being open once more and how he hoped everyone had returned their unwanted Christmas pressies back to the shop as the 28 day return policy had now expired on his unwanted gifts. He actually had people by the end of the announcement listening to every word with smiles and laughter. Not bad for a late running 7am train!

 

[ChrisTheRef]

Merseyrail have a guard who plays on the idea of loathing his job. His PA announcements include "The next station will be Sandhills. The terminally adventurous among you can change here for services to Ormskirk, where the locals are currently watching traffic lights change"

 

[Temple Meads]

A bit long winded this but bear with me...

Basically when I did my Cardiff bash a couple of weeks back I was on the 10:37 Voyager from TVP, and was casually reading the Metro paper on the approach to Taunton, and they have a small feature called "Good Deed Feed", and on this day, there was a piece that went thus: "Many thanks to the Train Manager who wishes us the 'wheels of friendship' to travel with us through through 'titillating Tiverton' (yeah right BTW ), 'tantalising Taunton' and 'Brunel's bustling Bristol Temple Meads'"..

And guess who came over the PA system on the Taunton approach, yes that's right, that very train manager!

 

[Schnellzug]

I always fear that these people might end up facing Disciplinary Action from the humourless. This is a sad indictment of modern society.
Southwest Airlines in the States were at least at one time famous for this kind of thing, weren't they; I wonder if they've now been got at by the Humourless as well.

 

[Eagle]

Basically when I did my Cardiff bash a couple of weeks back I was on the 10:37 Voyager from TVP, and was casually reading the Metro paper on the approach to Taunton, and they have a small feature called "Good Deed Feed", and on this day, there was a piece that went thus: "Many thanks to the Train Manager who wishes us the 'wheels of friendship' to travel with us through through 'titillating Tiverton' (yeah right BTW ), 'tantalising Taunton' and 'Brunel's bustling Bristol Temple Meads'".

The alliterating XC guard is fairly well-known, was wondering how long before someone mentioned him in this thread...

 

[TEW]

A bit long winded this but bear with me...

Basically when I did my Cardiff bash a couple of weeks back I was on the 10:37 Voyager from TVP, and was casually reading the Metro paper on the approach to Taunton, and they have a small feature called "Good Deed Feed", and on this day, there was a piece that went thus: "Many thanks to the Train Manager who wishes us the 'wheels of friendship' to travel with us through through 'titillating Tiverton' (yeah right BTW ), 'tantalising Taunton' and 'Brunel's bustling Bristol Temple Meads'"..

And guess who came over the PA system on the Taunton approach, yes that's right, that very train manager!

That guard is always a laugh on the PA, haven't heard for a while unfortunately. There's an alliterative description for each station you call at though.

Found this youtube video of him:

http://youtu.be/MM7Wop0oODY

 

[All Line Rover]

The alliterating XC guard is fairly well-known, was wondering how long before someone mentioned him in this thread...

Yep, seen him on a service to Bournemouth. Puts a smile on everyone's face!

 

[Temple Meads]

That guard is always a laugh on the PA, haven't heard for a while unfortunately. There's an alliterative description for each station you call at though.

Found this youtube video of him:

http://youtu.be/MM7Wop0oODY

Cheers for that

Yeah part of me wanted to stay on the train and hear more from him!

The sight of a DRS Class 66 in Stoke Gifford yard soon changed my mind though!

 

[boing_uk]

Theres a guard at Northern who walks along "checking tickets or anything that looks like a ticket". "Tickets please, thank you, taaa" and "cheers thanks for coming".

I cant remember for the life of me the detail of what he said on arrival to Blackpool North once, something to do with being bright and sunny, have your passports ready for inspection at the barrier, possibly something about luggage as well. Regardless, it is these types of people who bring a smile to an otherwise monotonous journey and they are to be encouraged.

One of the station announcers at a certain station I frequent fairly regularly makes some very random announcements sometimes ("helloooooo Russell" was one the other week, and "Gerroff yer bloody bike ya nob... yeah i can see you... dont swear at me, coz I cant hear you" was another from maybe a couple of years ago) and they on occasion have had people belly laughing on the platform.

No, it doesn't present a professional corporate image, but for 99.9% of travellers it presents a human side to the company that makes the journey just that little bit less intolerable - something that a corporate image will never achieve.

 

[Temple Meads]

Yep, a friendly guard/train manager/TTI/RPI really does make a journey a lot brighter.

I won't name names but a certain large TOC seem to have a big proportion of miserable grumpy on train staff...

 

[Urban Gateline]

Yep, a friendly guard/train manager/TTI/RPI really does make a journey a lot brighter.

I won't name names but a certain large TOC seem to have a big proportion of miserable grumpy on train staff...

Hopefully not my TOC you're referring to there!

 

[Sammy h]

Love this thread. Always enjoy and have a chuckle when this sort of thing happens.

I was at Warrington BQ a few months ago and someone was on their skateboard and the platform staff announced something like ...

'Can Tony Hawk please refrain from using his skateboard on the station'

 

[DaveNewcastle]

. . . . a certain large TOC seem to have a big proportion of miserable grumpy on train staff...

and there is a certain large TOC with a great many cheerful and welcoming on-board crews!

One chap I know will announce 'Bensham' which hasn't had a station for 40 years or so, but is a good place from which to give advance warning of arrival into Newcastle from the south. Another will inquire what book people are reading and often be able to make an appropriate quip.
Several catering crew are very good at cheerful gossip and friendly digs at each other, and one is the world expert in rising above the torture of the worst-day-of-his life. Again.
On a regional TOC, one Guard would habitually make snide remarks about a certain Yorkshire City we'd soon be stopping at, as if no-one in their right minds would ever want to be getting off there.

All this reminds me of a London bus conductor who sang a lot and, whenever the bus was approaching a tight corner, he'd shout out : "Going Round The Bend!"

 

[Bungle73]

There's a guard on the Sheerness branch who likes to refer to Sittingbourne station as "Sittingbourne International".

I was also on a train, several years ago, starting at Gravesend, going to Gillingham (there was an obstruction on the line), and an annoucment was made of "This train will be calling at [list of stations]....and Gillingham. Yippe!"

Ive also seen a YouTube video taken on a train leaving Victoria where it is announced that "Unattended items may be removed and sold on eBay."

 

[MidnightFlyer]

From over the years:
On a VXC Voyager - 'Thi is Basingstoke, anyone who hasn't been depressed before should change here. Next stop Basingstoke'.
On a Northern station with a chav messing about on his bike - 'Could the bloke on the bike please stop using it on the station or you'll be walking home'
Another Northern station where someone was, in broad daylight, crossing the platforms via the track. In full and proper Northern accent - 'Get off the track yer berk!'.

 

[Michael.Y]

Not wishing to blow my own trumpet, but in the run up to Chrimbo, I announced that the train was the Polar Express, and that, amongst the tea, coffee, snacks, biscuits on my trolley, you could also purchase French Hens, Turtle Doves, Gold, Frankinsence.... you get the idea

 

[DaveNewcastle]

. . . , Gold, Frankinsence.... you get the idea

What? No Myrrh?

It gets harder to find decent Myrrh each year.

 

[Cherry_Picker]

Is Barry still at New Street? "Mighty fine, the train is on time, everything I say somehow seems to rhyme."

 

[Michael.Y]

What? No Myrrh?

It gets harder to find decent Myrrh each year.

I'd sold out, I only had cheese and onion left.

 

[Bellwater]

Is Barry still at New Street? "Mighty fine, the train is on time, everything I say somehow seems to rhyme."

Certainly is.

 

[Jedipickles]

Theres a guard at Northern who walks along "checking tickets or anything that looks like a ticket". "Tickets please, thank you, taaa" and "cheers thanks for coming".

I've been on several southeastern journeys and he got to me, and asked for my ticket, and i said, yup, got it here somewhere and he said, thats good enough for me, and walked on without ever checking my ticket

I've also heard a guard say, "This is Dover, if you dont have a stab vest, good luck" or something like that

 

[ACE1888]

'Due to unforeseen circumstances, this train will be arriving on time'...All Time classic for me

 

[Michael.Y]

'Due to unforeseen circumstances, this train will be arriving on time'...All Time classic for me

I did read somewhere about a tube driver back in the days of Waterloo International Eurostar terminal who said "As it's such a nice day, this train will not be terminating at Waterloo as advertised, but will be continuing through the Channel Tunnel to Paris. Please have your passports ready."

Another old classic is "This train will be cruising at a height of 0 feet at an airspeed of 125 mph."

 

[calc7]

On a Scotland - Birmingham VT service, it was announced we were arriving in a "very tropical Wolverhampton" - got a chuckle.

Recently on a Birmingham to Bristol XC service (ex-Manchester), the guard announced every station funnily, saying
"We are now approaching the charismatic station we all know as Cheltenham Spa"
"We are now approaching the dubious station we all know as Bristol Parkway"
and best of all, "We are know approaching the Gateway to the South West, that sprawling urban metropolis we all know as Bristol, where this train terminates. Please ensure you have all your belongings, coats, hats, false teeth, false limbs, spare relatives and the kitchen sink with you when you leave the train." People were creasing themselves.

 

[Mutant Lemming]

It's always a difficult one as to whether announcments should convey any anecodtal humour. In olden days one when on train announcements were in their infancy such classics as WOOF, WOOF, WOOF - this is a Barking train would occasionally be made and I was shown a letter desrcribing announcements I made as being 'like some kind of American gameshow host (this train IS .... - for all stations to........ WATFORD !) . The problem is that you are not playing to a paying audience for your comedic skills and although many, if not most. of your passenegrs may appreciate some joviality you may also have passengers on your train who have just come from the doctors after being diagnosed with a terminal illness or have just had their family wiped out in a car crash or may just generally be having a bad day and look upon your attmepts at humour as the final straw.
We were always told to be careful with any humourous comments and I would imagine even more so in current climes.

 

[Bellwater]

Having been on SWT the day before I announced my name and being the Guard for this journey, 'I am currently at the rear of this 1 Coach Train'