(with apologies to the OP)
Voyagers.
Voyagers. Voyagers. Voyagers. Voyagers. Voyagers.
They are the most hideously disgusting pieces of sheet it has ever been my misfortunate to travel on. They are the worst trains not only in this country but in any country.
Every component within them appears to have been designed, by some sort of perverted genius, to resonate at a slightly different frequency thus ensuring that even when you get used to one rattle another appears to drive you round the bend. The tables are to small to use to do any work on once more than one other person joins you at a table seat, the airline seats are almost useless for work, or for even sitting in, the phone reception and mobile internet reception is shockingly bad, about 4 of the fleet have WIFI and the cost makes it a rip off, there is almost no provision for refreshments, other than a scabby trolley which tends to have nothing left and only tepid water for a brew, at best. In many of the seats you get a fantastic view of white, rattley, plastic land as you speed about the country. You cant even sit still because the under floor engines vibrate so much the bloody table moves about and they create a terribly invasive and frankly maddening noise.
On the few occasions I have been lucky enough to get a seat I find the seats thin, cramped, uncomfortable, padded by half of yesterdays Times and formed out of a lump of cheap plastic that seems designed to cut the circulation to your legs off after exactly 1 hour, 19 minutes and 42 seconds. The interiors are dark and dingy and seemed to have been designed by a committee of communist, solitary confinement specialising interior decorators. The bloody reservation system is a shambles, they cart about 1st class with 2 people in and they are absolutely useless for long distance travel. That and they smell of cooked excrement. I, for one, have spent my last Friday evening ( or Sunday evening) standing, or more correctly being wedged, for several hours next to a toilet breathing in someone elses bum fumes having paid XC a kings ransom for the dubious privilege of being conveyed by one of their mobile ordure tubes.
I am sure someone will be along shortly to express what a luddite I am, how this is the 21st century railway and that no one travels long distance on them or some other total and utter wibble. I, frankly, dont care what you think. I travel long distances on them on a regular basis. They are truly, truly terrible, and you are wrong.
So: Seconded Mr Chairman. Any objections? Motion carried. Meeting closed.