Forum Jokes

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Heinz57, 22 Jun 2013.

  1. Dom395

    Dom395 Member

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    We are now arriving at Broadstairs, note this station does not have a lift but it does have broad stairs.

    You don't need to say how corny that joke was.
     
  2. zuriblue

    zuriblue Member

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    Donald Trump has announced that now he’s President he’s going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.
    .
    He wants to make America grate again.



    What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

    An orange has a thick skin.



    My friend said to me, “I hear the FBI have foiled a terrorist plot to kill Donald Trump.”

    “What, a suicide bomber? ” I asked.

    “No, a surface to hair missile.”


    How many Donald Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?

    Look, we can change the light bulb. That I will tell you. We’re changing it, ok? And I understand what you’re saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say “Is the light bulb really dead?”. That’s what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The light bulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.
     
    Last edited: 14 Feb 2017
  3. zuriblue

    zuriblue Member

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    I know I don't need to but I will anyway. :D
     
  4. Peter Mugridge

    Peter Mugridge Established Member

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    President Trump heard his National Security Adviser had resigned.

    He needed a drink to steady his nerves; the barman recommended a Mickey Flynn.
     
  5. 61653 HTAFC

    61653 HTAFC Established Member

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    Change it "bigly" presumably?
     
  6. mirodo

    mirodo Member

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    A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign on the bar:
    Cheese Sandwiches £3
    Ham Sandwiches £4
    "Manual Relief" £5

    He beckons over the barmaid, a shapely blonde, and asks her "Are you the one who provides the "manual relief?"
    "Why, yes I am", she replies with a cheeky smile.
    "Fine. Go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich".
     
  7. Cowley

    Cowley Established Member

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    Some stranger just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me!!
    Luckily my injuries are just super fish oil.
     
  8. ainsworth74

    ainsworth74 Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    You see this is clever because the actual joke is the suggestion that Middlesbrough even has a central business district!
     
  9. EbbwJunction1

    EbbwJunction1 Member

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    I went to my dentist this morning.

    Noticing that she wasn't very happy, I asked her why she was so down in the mouth.
     
  10. jcollins

    jcollins Veteran Member

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    After losing his seat in the last election Ed Balls founded a financial management company with his friends Richard Smith and Peter Alcock. The business is called Dick, Ed Balls & Alcock.
     
  11. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    Actual headlines.

    Prostitutes appeal to the Pope

    Juvenile court to try shooting defendants

    Two Russian ships collide. One dies


    Lady goes into chemists and asks "Do you sell Viagra?"
    "Yes, we do"
    "Can you get it over the counter?"
    "I can if I take two"
     
  12. deltic1989

    deltic1989 Established Member

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    Building on this, more real headlines:

    "Federal Agents raid gun shop........Find weapons."

    "Midget sues Grocer....Cites belittleing remarks."

    "City unsure why sewers smell."

    "County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds."

    "China may be using the sea to hide it's submarines."

    Exerpt from a report about an air crash at an undisclosed location in the United States:
    "So far NTSB Invetigators are working on the theory that the rash occured when the airplane hit the ground."
     
  13. backontrack

    backontrack Established Member

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    I saw a cannibal devour a prioress in the Trent Valley.

    Nuneaton.
     
  14. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    Then there was a cannibal who stewed some missionaries and complained that they tasted awful

    He was asked what denomination the missionaries were

    "Franciscans"

    "Well, you should never stew Fraciscans - they're Friars"

    ----------

    Then there was the cannibal who got married and toasted his mother in law at the reception

    And this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBtsi3CkfBE
     
    Last edited: 18 Feb 2017
  15. jcollins

    jcollins Veteran Member

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    Add to the list

    Cork man drowns.
     
  16. Busaholic

    Busaholic Established Member

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    My father spent the last fifty years of his life as a teetotaller, but I feel sure he'd have taken up drink again if he'd lived to see the teetotaller Trump as President.
     
  17. 61653 HTAFC

    61653 HTAFC Established Member

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    Disclaimer: stolen from DATM forum.

    I went out drinking in Leeds last night, missed the last train so decided to get a taxi. Driver said it'd be £40, I said it was only £20 last month. Driver replied that it's because Huddersfield is getting further from Leeds every week!
     
  18. DaveHarries

    DaveHarries Established Member

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    Apparently you can't use "beefstew" as a password on the internet.

    It's not stroganoff. :lol:

    Dave
     
  19. Cowley

    Cowley Established Member

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    Brilliant :lol:
     
  20. 341o2

    341o2 Member

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    And

    Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

    Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

    Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

    Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

    Farmer Bill Dies in House

    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

    Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

    Stud Tires Out

    Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

    Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

    Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

    Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

    British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at the same Checkout Counter

    Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

    British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

    Man found dead in graveyard
     
    Last edited: 19 Feb 2017

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