Forum Jokes

[Adlington]

Anthony's law of force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

 

[Busaholic]

Paddy's wife is getting sick of him returning from the pub every night with sick all down his shirt. She threatens him 'if it happens again, you're out'. So the next night Paddy's in the pub with his friend Mick and says 'I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to have a kebab after all that beer and then I just throw up.' Mick says 'try the old £10 note trick. When you get in with sick on your shirt, tell her it was a complete stranger threw up over you and he's given you a tenner to compensate. Works with my wife everytime.'
So Paddy leaves the pub, has a kebab, the inevitable happens and his wife confronts him: 'right, on your bike'. 'Now, hold your horses' says Paddy 'I've not been sick at all, it was a geezer in the pub and he gave me this tenner'. 'That's not a tenner' says his wife 'that's a twenty pound note.'
'Oh, yes' says Paddy 'the other ten pounds was for s*itting in my pants.'

 

[cjp]




Two chaps walk into a pet shop. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the Grand Canyon. At the Grand Canyon, Sven looks down at the drop and says, "Dis really looks like a grand place."


He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head and says, "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."



Moments later Ole arrives up at Grand Canyon. He's been to the pet shop, too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Watch dis," Ole says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."



Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the 
legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie
jumping, den Ole parrotshooting ... and now Lars is hengliding...

Sorry

• 

How about this . . . .

A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but his underwear and carrying a woman on his back.
His friends see him and ask “Hey man, what are you supposed to be?”
He replies “Oh, I’m dressed as a turtle”
His friend responds “A turtle? How are you supposed to be a turtle? And who is that woman on your back?”
The man replies “Oh, that’s Michelle” –

 

[RichmondCommu]

Here's one from the much missed RichmondCommu aka Andrew. Andrew climbs into bed one night and his beloved wife Manjit says "God your feet are cold". To which Andrew replies "You don't have to call me God in bed dearest".

 

[MotCO]





Sorry

• 

–

No need to apologise -it's the best joke I've heard for some time!

 

[341o2]

I was in the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book. She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone.

The spider is now dead, phone broken and one girl in tears

 

[E_Reeves]

I was in the kitchen and asked my niece for a phone book. She laughed at me for being out of date and told me to use her phone.

The spider is now dead, phone broken and one girl in tears

To be honest, that took me a while to get but it's a good 'un!

 

[Cowley]

To be honest, that took me a while to get but it's a good 'un!

Yes I liked that one too

 

[Adlington]

In a pub, at the bar:
Customer (pointing at the "Free Wifi" sign): What's the password?
Barman: You have to buy a drink first.
C: Fair enough. I'll have a pint of lager.
B: Foster's, Carling, or Carlsberg?
C: Carling, please.
B: Here you are. That'll be £3.
C: Thank you (pays £3). So, what's the password?
B: youhavetobuyadrinkfirst All lower case, no spaces.

 

[A Challenge]

That reminds me of the pub where we asked for the password to the wifi, it was 'askatthebar'! Works when the 'restaurant' part is in a different section of the pub!

Anyway, my joke:
Three Christian minister , one Catholic Priest, one Church of England Vicar and one Baptist Minister, go fishing on a lake for the day. They decide it is time to have elevenses, so the Catholic Priest gets out the boat and walks across the water to the shore and gets the elevenses, before walking back across the water. The baptist minister is amazed by this, and thinks 'How holy he must be, to walk on water'. He forgets all about this and they carry on fishing, until it comes to lunchtime. At this point, the Vicar gets out the boat and walks over the water to the shore and goes to get lunch. The minister is yet again fazed by this and thinks that they must both be very holy.

When it comes to tea time, the other two start looking at the minister, as if expecting him to get out the boat and go and get tea. He then gets out the boat and immediately sinks. The vicar and the priest help him out of the water, laughing. The minister asked them why, and the vicar replied 'If you didn't know where the stepping stones were you should have told us!'.

 

[Requeststop]

An Oldie but a good'un.

A Catholic Priest and an Anglican Vicar are having their weekly chat.

The Vicar complains that his bike has gone missing and he suspects that one of his congregation has stolen it.
"I need that bike so much," he explains, "I need it to see all my parishoners!".

The Priest sympathises. "Maybe you should shame them into returning the bicycle. Preach a sermon on the 10 commandments especially on 'Though shall not steal' and shame them into returning the bike".
A good idea agrees the Vicar.

Next week, they meet again. "Did you get your bike back?" the Priest asks. "Yes," the Vicar replies. "So the Sermon worked?" the Vicar enquires. The Vicar says it didn't.

"As I was writing the sermon, I got to the sixth Commandment and I remembered where I had left it".

(Now I wonder how many of you Google the 10 commandments).

 

[341o2]

A drunk, with clothing awry, lipstick on his cheek, boards a bus and sits clumsily next to a priest, opens a newspaper, rustles through the pages then says "Father, what causes arthritis?"
Somewhat irritated the priest responds - "Booze, consorting with loose women and having contempt for your fellow man"
"Well I never", replied the drunk and continued reading the paper.
The priest then says "Sorry, I came over a bit strong just now, how long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"Not me, Father, but according to this paper, the Pope has just been diagnosed with it"

 

[341o2]

Allegedly in Westminster today....

Speaker - "I say, I say I say"
From the floor - "Prime Minister, I understand that one of your constutuents is moving to the Carribean?"
From the floor - "Jamaica?"
PM - "Yes!"

 

[EM2]

A man and his wife have just gone to bed and are disturbed by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is standing in the pouring rain.

"Can you help, mate? I need a push."

"Not a chance," says the husband, "we've just gone to bed." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No! I'm knackered and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."

The man sighs, gets up again, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swings!"

 

[EM2]

A young lad is rummaging in the garage and finds his Dad's welding helmet and gauntlets. He puts them on and starts pretending that he's Darth Vader. After a while, he finds an old broom handle and starts waving it around like a light sabre.
He's having great fun, and starts running up and down the street still playing at being Darth Vader.
Not long after, a very posh car pulls up and the driver leans out of the window and says 'Hello there, young man. Would you like to come for a ride in my car?'
'OK', says the boy, and climbs in the back seat.
So they're driving along, and the little boy is fascinated with the car. He's pressing the button to make the windows go up and down, switching the little courtesy lights on and off, swinging the middle armrest backwards and forwards and generally messing about.
The driver says to him 'If you do something for me, I've got a puppy that you can stroke.'
'Er, no thank you, sir.'
'I've got a big bag of sweets you can have.'
'I don't think so, sir.'
'You can have the puppy instead of just stroking him.'
'Sorry sir, but no.'
'What if I gave you £50?'
'I'm afraid not, sir.'
'£100?'
The little boy goes quiet for a few seconds and then says 'I think I should be honest with you, sir.....I'm not a real welder!'

 

[EM2]

A Yorkshireman is at the vet's.
' 'Ow do, lad. Come to see thee about mi cat.'
'No problem', says the vet. 'Is it a tom?'
'Nay, lad! Brought 'im wi' me!'

 

[341o2]

Boy walking along when a car draws alongside and the driver asks "Will you get in my car?"
"No!"
"I'll give you a sweet if you will get in my car"
"No"
"The whole bag of sweets if you'll get in my car"
"NO"
"So what will it take to get you into my car?"
Boy wearily replies - "Look, dad, you brought the Skoda, you live with it"

Couple more Skoda classics

Why did the Skoda cross the road?
It was being driven along it, when the steering failed

New top of the range Skoda with sixteen valves
Four on the engine and twelve on the radio

 

[najaB]

A lost tourist in London asks a local for directions: "Excuse me, how do I get to the Albert Hall?"

"Talent, luck and lots of practice."

 

[341o2]

someone allegedly asked an inspector
"What do I get for the elephant?" (Elephant and Castle, London)
"Try buns"
or worse.....
"Is this a Barking bus?"
"No, it only goes parp parp"

 

[61653 HTAFC]

someone allegedly asked an inspector
"What do I get for the elephant?" (Elephant and Castle, London)
"Try buns"
or worse.....
"Is this a Barking bus?"
"No, it only goes parp parp"

"Is this the train for Lewes?"
"No, anyone with a ticket can use it"

 

[zuriblue]

Does anybody know how to cancel an eBay bid?

I put €5 on a cowboy outfit and I’m worried that in 5 minutes I’m going to own the Conservative party.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

Failed advertising slogans no. 385
Scotland’s Railway - ScotRail (but nae trains)

 

[cjp]

You know how some taxi drivers like to talk well i caught a passing taxi and the cabbie was one of the talkers. He began with “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian” so had to ask "Who?”


“Brian O'Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian O'Sullivan, every single time.”


"Really," I said “every time, no way.”


"Yes, he said "Brian O'Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a show star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”


“Sounds like he really was someone special.”

“There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which set of cutlery to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian O'Sullivan, he could do everything right.”


“Gosh.”


Cabbie then rambled on that “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian O'Sullivan.”


“Amazing. How did you meet him?”

“Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I’m the poor devil married to his widow.

 

[Adlington]

Long time no blonde jokes...

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

 

[Strat-tastic]

This guy's in a bar and starts telling his mates a blonde joke. A blonde at the bar overhears and comes over. 'Look here! I'm blond and I'm also a champion boxer. See my friend there? She's blond and she has a black belt in karate. See my other friend? She's also blond and is an expert in Samurai sword skills. Now, do you want to tell us your blonde joke?'

'Nah,' replies the guy, 'not if I've got to explain it three times.'

 

[341o2]

From the Goons
"I say, I say, if it takes a chicken 10 days to eat 40lb of sawdust, how long would it take for it to lay a 1/2 ton wooden egg?"
pause
"Do you give up?"
"Yes"
"So did the chicken!"

And a couple of blonde jokes

Why did the blonde spend two hours staring into the fridge?
Because the carton of orange juice said "concentrate"

Why did the blonde spend all day in the shower?
Because the shampoo bottle said "lather, rinse, repeat"

 

[341o2]

An Eskimo was out on the water fishing. He felt cold, so he lit a fire, but it burned a hole in the bottom of his boat and it sank
The moral of this tale is....you can't have your kayack and heat it

 

[IanD]

An Eskimo was out on the water fishing. He felt cold, so he lit a fire, but it burned a hole in the bottom of his boat and it sank
The moral of this tale is....you can't have your kayack and heat it

See post #128

 

[Condor7]

)

See post #128

There are 838 messages so far, how did you spot that?

 

[IanD]

)
There are 838 messages so far, how did you spot that?

i have a good memory when it come to jokes. Found it funny the first time, even used it myself. Still funny the second time.