Forum Jokes

[61653 HTAFC]

i have a good memory when it come to jokes. Found it funny the first time, even used it myself. Still funny the second time.

I've come close to (and may well have done... and may well be doing so right now!) repeating jokes on this thread: either my own or others that I'd forgotten were from here.
But some might say a sign of a good joke is if it gets repeated!

I'm going to have to bend the conventions of the thread* for these two, as I don't know how to do "spoilers" and there kind of needs to be a pause before the punchline (which I'll deliver later...).

The second one also requires a little knowledge of traditional etiquette**...

1: What does a dog do, and a man steps in to?
A:

Spoiler

Pants.

2: What does a man do standing up; a woman do sitting down; and a dog do on three legs?
A:

Spoiler

Shake hands.

*= both by posting the punchline/answer in a separate post, and because they're technically riddles rather than jokes.

**= this is particularly odd considering the source material for both is The New York Cab Driver's Joke Book (volume 1) by Jim Pietsch.

 

[najaB]

as I don't know how to do "spoilers"

It's on the + button along with quote and code tags.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

It's on the + button along with quote and code tags.

Cheers! While I edit, any guesses?

 

[najaB]

Cheers! While I edit, any guesses?

#2 is 'Shake hands' but don't know about #1.

 

[61653 HTAFC]

#2 is 'Shake hands' but don't know about #1.

Correct on #2, answers now available behind spoilers.

 

[341o2]

oh well, I'll try this one....

The frozen body of a Viking is found. He is taken to Professor Walther who manages to revive some of his functions, but the brain did not respond.

You may take a Norse to Walther, but you can't make him think

 

[341o2]

"Is this the train for Lewes?"
"No, anyone with a ticket can use it"

London bus route 2 with it's northern terminus of Golders Green and Finchley. Had some variations, 2A, 2B etc. When route 2D was launched, someone claimed this was the fare (need knowledge of sterling to appreciate this)

 

[Jonny]

The House of Lords

(is a joke)

 

[Jonny]

Diane Abbott

(her performance in the run up to the 2017 election (and since) has been lamentable, so I'm nominating her as a joke).

 

[Condor7]

There’s a good Count and a bad Count. The good Count is very wealthy and the bad one wants to get his hands on this wealth. So he lays siege to the good Counts castle and eventually captures him. Look as he might the bad Count cannot find the good Counts money because he has hidden it. So the bad Count places the good Counts head on an executioners block and the executioner with his axe raised in the air. The bad Count then asks where the money is hidden but the good Count refuses to say. Finally the bad Count says he will count to three and if the good Count does not tell him where it is the executioner will swing his axe. So he counts one, two, and as he says three the good Count says, okay okay I’ll tell you, but it’s too late and the executioners axe falls and chops off his head.

The moral of this story is, you shouldn’t hatchet your Counts before they’ve chickened.

 

[EM2]

There is a chap who is an avid fisherman, who has done all sorts of river fishing, sea fishing, fly fishing, beach fishing and so on, but has never tried ice fishing. So he decides that that will be his next trip.
He selects a spot, sets up his little stool, and begins to cut a hole in the ice.
After a minute or so, a loud voice booms out 'THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!'. He looks around and can't see anyone, but moves to another spot about twenty yards away.
Again, he starts to cut, and again the voice booms out 'THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!'. He still can't see anyone, but moves again.
For a third time, he starts with the saw and for a third time the voice booms out 'THERE ARE NO FISH THERE!'.
He stands up and shouts 'HOW DO YOU KNOW? ARE YOU GOD?'.
The voice replies 'NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!'.

 

[341o2]

Diane Abbott

(her performance in the run up to the 2017 election (and since) has been lamentable, so I'm nominating her as a joke).

It is rumoured that Diane Abbott was asked about Carillion and replied "How much is that?"

 

[cjp]

Seagulls fly out over the sea because if they fly out over the bay they turn into bagels.

 

[bnm]

The last dozen or so posts...

Laugh? I nearly started.

 

[EbbwJunction1]

You won't like this one, then .....

A chap walks into a pet shop and buys a couple of hamsters. He takes them home, puts them into a cage and goes to bed. When he gets up the following morning, he looks at the cage, and the hamsters are dead. Not being very happy about this, he rings the pet shop and tells the owner that the hamsters have died. "That's bad", says the owner, "we'll replace them for you."

"Okay", says the chap, "but what am I going to do with the two dead hamsters?" "What you need to do" says the owner "is to mash up the bodies of the hamsters until you have a fine paste, and then spread it all over your garden just before you go to bed tonight." "What good will that do?" asks the chap and the owner replies "Well, I'm not going to tell you, but I can guarantee that you'll like the results."

So the chap does as he's told and goes to bed. When he gets up the following morning, he looks out of the window at his garden, and is amazed at the sight of hundreds of daffodils all over the place. He rings the pet shop owner and explains what he can see, and the owner replies ......

wait for it .....

"That's strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!"

Boom, boom!!

 

[341o2]

London 1942 and a soldier is asked "Which side is the Admiralty on?"
-"Ours, I hope"

 

[pemma]

Ahead of a potentially big business deal a manager of a big French company recently came over to meet with our Managing Director. However, just as she arrived the MD called and said he was going to be late as his car had broken down and I was to engage her in conservation until he got there. I was also informed she didn't speak any English so I was to use what I could remember from doing French at school. So (in French) I said good morning, asked her if it was gum she was chewing, asked her to get her textbook out and turn to page 40 and told her the inventory of my bedroom. If only they taught useful French in school!

 

[E_Reeves]

Ahead of a potentially big business deal a manager of a big French company recently came over to meet with our Managing Director. However, just as she arrived the MD called and said he was going to be late as his car had broken down and I was to engage her in conservation until he got there. I was also informed she didn't speak any English so I was to use what I could remember from doing French at school. So (in French) I said good morning, asked her if it was gum she was chewing, asked her to get her textbook out and turn to page 40 and told her the inventory of my bedroom. If only they taught useful French in school!

Don't forget where you usually go on holiday and what you think of social media!

 

[pemma]

Don't forget where you usually go on holiday

I seem to recall the textbook thought you either went to Marseille or Toulon.

what you think of social media!

There was no social media when I did my GCSEs.

 

[E_Reeves]

There was no social media when I did my GCSEs.

Ah, well today's French GCSE seems to revolve around social media and social issues

 

[MotCO]

I seem to recall the textbook thought you either went to Marseille or Toulon.



There was no social media when I did my GCSEs.

There was no internet when I did my GCEs!

 

[pemma]

There was no internet when I did my GCEs!

Don't forget the Internet came in to existence in the 1960s and was used for government and academic purposes, prior to the World Wide Web being invented in 1989 making the Internet accessible to all.

 

[najaB]

Don't forget the Internet came in to existence in the 1960s and was used for government and academic purposes, prior to the World Wide Web being invented in 1989 making the Internet accessible to all.

Pedantry alert... In the 1960s it was Arpanet followed by NSFNet. The Internet as we know it needed TCP/IP (1982?) and the modern Internet didn't come into existence until 1989. The World Wide Web (more specifically HTTP) was invented in 1991.

 

[PaxVobiscum]

Nah, don’t get it - you’ll have to explain that one to me

I wonder when the NSFWnet was invented?

 

[pemma]

The Internet as we know it needed TCP

Nah, don’t get it - you’ll have to explain that one to me

Here's an easy explanation, considering it's the jokes thread. Without this:

The modern Internet would not exist.

Pedantry alert... In the 1960s it was Arpanet followed by NSFNet. The Internet as we know it needed TCP/IP (1982?) and the modern Internet didn't come into existence until 1989. The World Wide Web (more specifically HTTP) was invented in 1991.

Surely if you want to do a pedantry alert you should say the World Wide Web was invented in 1989 and the first browser was invented in 1990 but both were released to the world outside CERN in 1991.

 

[najaB]

The World Wide Web was invented in 1989 and the first browser was invented in 1990 but both were released to the world outside CERN in 1991.

Now this is getting seriously geeky. Which came first, the Web or the browser?

 

[ian1944]

I didn't spot this on a quick run through the thread and liked it when first encountered, so here it is (a bit of local knowledge and familiarity with the lingo helps):

A Novocastrian is driving along when he sees steam coming from under the bonnet, so he stops and calls the breakdown service.

"Are you overheating?"

"No, I'm down by the Tyne Bridge"

 

[Adlington]

Britain To Be Excluded From Channel Tunnel After Brexit

‘The channel tunnel was a joint project between two countries which at the present time are part of the EU’ stated a representative of the Departement de Fabrication des Statements de l’EU yesterday ‘And this of course means that the tunnel is an EU project. Naturally, if Great Britain chooses no longer to be part of the EU in future, then it is not reasonable for her to to continue to expect access to this EU tunnel.’

‘Nevertheless we are not going to be unreasonable about this. Britain will be an independent country, free to do as she chooses, and that includes what she may do with her end of the tunnel. We will only be closing off the end which is in France.’

However upon hearing the news Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, one of the prime movers instrumental in securing the Brexit win hit back. Speaking on LBC he delivered this stark ultimatum to France: ‘Hmm… yes… ah…erm… I-I-I-I-I… well… mmm…so there!’

NewsBiscuit

 

[cjp]

I was standing at a pub one night minding my own business, when this really drunk fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, “You’re kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?”

I said, “Yeah, you gotta pen?”

She said, “Yeah, I got a pen.”

I said, “You better get back in it before the farmer misses you.”

Cost me 6 stitches ... but,

When you’re seventy ... who cares?

 

[341o2]

went through some old Essex girl jokes as in

Chap phones his girlfriend - "Sharon, please be careful, there's reports of a car going the wrong way on the A13"
"Not just one, there's hundreds of them!"